TLC Bridal Show

So I've been on vacation for about a week now. Most days I spend watching a lot of t.v. and right now I'm watching that TLC show where they shop for wedding dresses. Now I know I'm rather young, and I'm not trying to rush anything, but I know what dress I want. I found last year sometime and only a few people have seen it. So here it is. I know I've got a long way to go before I can wear this and yeah it needs alterations. I got it don't worry. Higher back, longer sleeves, higher front, and i'm not going to wear it in the temple. Plus it's freakin cheap compared to what the girls on this show are paying! Thats right $175 BONES! Yayayayayay It comes in aloe and ivory, I totally am getting ivory So drum roll please

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrUMP DA DUMMMMMMM

I found it at this site http://vintagestyleclothing.com/index.html so yeah, that's all for today. LOVE PEACE AND CHICKEN GREASE

Its me and the moon she says!

I wrote something last night, and after sleeping on it decided I don't want to post it. I think I just needed to type it out and that was it. So here are the pictures I posted afterwards.

I'm just posting pictures to help me calm down and relax

I LOVE Spain! I can't wait to be there one day!

I know that rain is kind of supposed to depress you, but it only makes me feel better, plus I love London. Another place on my list.

And my boy Andrew. He always cheers me up.

Dreams and songs

Last night I had a crazy dream with a volcano, an old pizza building, and cops in it. With these lyrics in it:
"Over and out," she said from a hospital bed
"For what it's worth, it doesn't hurt, don't cry"
"Over and out," he said with a .45 to his head
"The war has taken everything from me, it's all I see, so..."
Run for cover as fast as you can
Where fighters are lovers, enemies are friends
And pens and knives apologize for leaving you tonight
Leaving you tonight
"Over and out," he sighed. "It seems I've run out of time
Please tell my wife I loved her more than life itself"
"Over and out," she sang as the telephone rang
"There's no pain, no answering no more, no"
So run for cover as fast as you can
Where fighters are lovers, enemies are friends
And pens and knives apologize for leaving you
Run for cover and you'll find us there
To take on the anguish, make it disappear
When hand grenades and napalm flames are leaving you tonight
Let this candle burn 'til you get home
Never forget your face, never lose hope
Tonight
Run for cover as fast as you can
Where fighters are lovers, enemies are friends
And pens and knives apologize for leaving you
Run for cover and you'll find us there (over and out)
To take on the anger, make it disappear (over and out)
When razorblades were softly serenading you

odd yes. Abnormal? no.

AYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Jack's Mannequin "Swim"


Howdy Folks! As you can see above that Jack's just came out with their new video for one of my all time favorite songs. Amazing video too. But thats not what I'm here about right now. Well kind of, but it pushed me here. SO! Last night I realized that I no longer have a fear of being myself in front of people, well not nearly as much as I used to. I'm ok with who I am and I know that most people like me. If most people like me when they get to know me I might as well be myself right from the beginning. Sure I know I have some pretty bad manners and can get uber annoying, but can't everyone? And guess what?!? The people who don't like me? they can go suck a juice box because they're just not comfortable with themselves. I had a talk with my friend who is leaving on a sabbatical soon about how one of our mutual "acquaintances" treated me the other day and after our long talk about it I realized that the girl is just insecure with herself and with others. This year, these last 3 years, this life has taught me that you can't change people and you either have to love them for who they are, tolerate them, or just ignore them completely. That is what I learned to do this semester. So YAY MEEEEE! I'm proud of who I am and I hope you're all happy that you know me!

"Maybe you'll be kidnapped by pirates and they will take you to their hideout as pirates often do. But I would find the secret map and I would vigilante bushwhack through the jungles of Peru just to save you." - Ludo "Hum Along"
Thats how I feel right now, for all of you! Including that "acquaintance" Love her, but she doesn't love me! Well I better showering since I didn't wake up till 11:30 am...yeah I know, but heck I'm on VACATION.
A final question for you:
How do you unite 2 people who are so perfect for each other, but one of them doesn't see it all?
Let me know k??? Thanks pumpkin!

Ok I know I'm not supposed to be posting

OK so I'm done with school, my suitcases are packed, I'm pretty much just waiting till 4 to leave.
Well....I came to the computer lab and got sucked into youtube. I just want everyone to watch Mitchell Davis. He just makes me laugh so hard. so here are 2 of the videos I found love for today. Heres him and Kyle, this is something Melissa and I would do.

this is just so him and I love his new hair cut. MMMM so yeah, love for my boy Mitchell

Guess What! I'm MOVING!

I know it's been less than 12 hours since I last bliggty blogged, but who cares! Its the last day of school, I already cleaned my white glove, I'm pretty much packed and I uploaded pictures! Now thats what I call a productive morning.

So as I said earlier I uploaded pictures, but guess what! My retarded camera doesn't know how to save pictures so I don't have any of my storage unity. Yeah, but I do have some pictures from the winter, and the Cajun bob sign....I'll explain later.

So yesterday I was just staring at tiling and my brain automatically started making different shapes. They're just big squares and yet my brain thinks its neccesary to translate them into shapes....yeah who knew!

Well I don't really have much to say today, just that I'm heading down to Utah today! Beyond excited. I just got oddly tired, maybe I'll take a nap today.

I guess I'll explain Cajun Bob's. It's right next to my storage unit(yes my camera saved the pictures from right after the storage unit, but not of the actual storage unit). Micah and I decided that every town has to have a Cajun something. Rexburg has Cajun Bob's Billiard Supplies....I know odd.

Also here are some pictures I took last winter just walking around. This was probablly the end of march. It was about 30 degrees when I was out on my walk...I know.

An Empty Apartment

It's 10 pm and I am looking at my empty apartment. The majority of my stuff is packed up and in a storage unit (I totally took pictures of it, I'll post those later). I am pretty much completely done with school. Just need to polish my clean check stuff tomorrow. Then I'm off to see my mummy. I am relistening to the AP Ace Enders podcast. I love this man so completely. Tomorrow is going to be a really great day I think.
What I'm really on here is to write about this semester. This has been my 3rd summer in Idaho and honestly it was both the worst, but in some ways really great. I didn't get out of my house much, I didn't get the grades I wanted, I missed a lot of friendships, but I was really happy. I didn't really have a breakdown this semester, which might have something to do with having so few room mates, but I still didn't. I never really lost it at any point. I have a had days, week, months the last couple semesters where I just couldn't go on. For once in my life I was ok. Sure I had my trials, I had a few nights that I worried so much about stuff that I couldn't sleep, but I survived. I did find some new friends as the semester ends, and I'll miss them, but I'm okay with leaving. I think this semester taught me how to take care of myself and really just worry about me for awhile. I learned how to not care whether or not I had plans every night. I'm finally ok with being myself. Sorry I'm not super interesting tonight...or ever, but I do think this is important to me growing up. I'm finally becoming an adult.
Someone once told me that you don't realize the moments you grow up. You just look back one day and see that you've changed so much and learned who you were and where you want to go. Freshman Academy helped me grow up a lot, but this semester has also helped me grow up. I've lived over a year without a best friend there at all times. I love my bestie, but I think it's important I am my own person.
Also my phone experiment has really helped me in the last few days. Its annoying I can't text something as soon as it comes into my head, but it really helped me close off the world and take in the silence. It's a beautiful thing. I will definitely be happy when I can use my phone all the time, but its been a nice couple of days to soak in the end of the semester.
So I'm going to bed now, thank you for reading and thank you for being the people I love.

Grades....finals may or may not have destroyed my brain

I just finished editing my paper. I'm pretty much done with school work for the semester. I just calculated my GPA and it's nowhere near what I want it to be. I'm hoping it'll be at least a 3.0...yeah I know. I'm really disappointed in myself. If I get a 3.0 it's pull my cumalitve down to a 3.2. OY! I promise myself every semester that I'll buckle down and work my hardest. Honestly I have this semester. I tried irrevocably hard and all I pulled was B's? I know I should be ok with it, but I'm not. I have always done second best, mostly because I try second hardest. I don't want to be the kid who studies the most, but having the highest grade gives you a sense of accomplishment that NOTHING can replace. I am just not happy with myself. I know I should just be happy that I tried my best and that it honestly was my best. I think that'll come in a few days, but today is not that day. Oy the day grades released will most likely involve a lot of tears, chocolate and movies for me. I just look back on my senior year of high school, STRAIGHT A's the entire year.....now where am I? 5 B's and a C.....yeah....not so happy. But this coming winter....I SWEAR! I will get straight A's. I don't care what it takes! I'm going to bring that GPA up! If I die! I don't care...I WANT STRAIGHT A's AGIAN!. If I take 14 credits and get straight A's it'll bring my cumalitve up to a 3.4. Then the following summer as long as I get above a 3.5 I'll be happy. I don't care what it takes, I'm going to do this. I'm going to get up to a 3.7 by my senior year. I want half tuition paid! I will do it! I'm not good at sticking with longterm goals, but this....this is a challenge. This is the academic world mocking me and I do not deal well with mocking. They will feel my wrath... THEY WILL FEEL IT!

Mirrors

I was thinking just now that life is transitive. For some people a certain thing would save their world and for others it would destroy theirs. I don't want to go into specifics because it's a touchy subject, but there was one thing I hoped for most as I grew up. There were a few times it almost happened and I was beyond excited. Today I was reading the a musicians blog and he is going through that same thing and it's tearing him apart. It's funny that somethings can be so different for different people. Now that I've grown up I'm not sure if I really wanted that event to happen, but things might have been easier. So when you're having a hard time maybe there is a positive? Maybe there is not. It's just a good practice to look at things from another angle.

Sprained, not broken.

Sitting here in the computer lab, hopefully for one of the last times this semester. I finished that essay I was working on yesterday so I only have to write 2 more for that class. I just get so distracted and don't want to do it. Perhaps it's because I have to spend half my time searching for quotes. Maybe today I'll take some time out and just work on that. Well I've got my Zoology lab test in about an hour and a half. I just want to get it over with. I'm so checked out of that class. I know I shouldn't be, but I'm pretty much checked out of all of my classes. I went and sold my books back this morning. There was NO line, which is practically unheard of, and I got $189 bucks! I might buy something at warped tour now! Maybe a bayside shirt, or something. We'll see. Oh btw, my ankle is not broken, just sprained. It's feeling a heck of a lot better today, but I'm still trying to keep off of it. I took the elevator this morning because of it, I felt privileged. Man saying that I took the elevator makes it seem like I live in some fancy place and go to a really fancy school. Trust me, it was the elevator in the Hart building. Far from Fancy. I've got 2 study sessions today. One for Zoology Lab test, one for Zoology Lecture final. Joy of joys. But after tomorrow I will just have to finish those 2 short essays and clean up my 8 page paper. Man I'm glad I got that done when I did. Oh also on the docket for tomorrow, PACK EVERYTHING! Well not everything, but I have to have everything packed and in my storage unit by 6 pm tomorrow. Yeah. Stress. But then its just one more day till I get to see my mum! Oh speaking of packing my phone charger died last night. Like....umm wires were slowly being pulled out and then it just happened, tragedy of tragedy it was dead. So I've got my cellphone off for pretty much the next 2 days. I'll be using Jessica's charger when I get down there. Plus somebody is making me text them for like 4 hours on Thursday. Yeah.....AwKwArd. heheheheh she'll kill me. I got 8.5 hours of sleep last night, it felt very nice. Oh and rigged my laptop to be an alarm clock...I feel so ghetto! Well I gotta go grab some lunch before my study group. Peace love and chicken grease!

Here is a picture I drew yesterday at a study group. I was bored.

Hell Pit and working for the KGB

Well I have finally got 3 days left of school. So what am I doing tonight? VEGGING! Last night I didn't fall asleep till 6 am. That's right you heard me. 6 am. What time did I get up? 8 am. Yes 2 hours of sleep and I've surprisingly made it through the day. I did sprain my foot though I think. Don't worry Satan just jumped in front of me and put a HUGE hole in the ground causing me to scream like a little girl in pain. Joy of joys. So yeah. I've got a test tomorrow and I'm hoping to do a lot of work on my American Lit essays tomorrow. I've done 1.7 of 4 so maybe I could even finish them tomorrow....NAHHHHH. ehehehe. So today I applied for a job at KGB. Melissa and I were talking about how great it would be to work at Cha Cha and I was like well KGB is kinda the same thing so I went to go check it out. After taking the challenge thing about 8 times (the 7th I got 100% on all but the last, I almost cried) I finally passed. So who knows, I might be working for them soon! Fingers crossed. I should hear in the next 5 days. I had a really great day in retrospect...well besides almost being eaten by a hell pit and pretty much being in a coma all day. So I know this blog really hasn't been about art lately. What I've noticed on my fight to find that art in everyday life is that everyday is art! Every single day you laugh, cry, talk, breath, see, is full of art. Now the trouble is identifying and finding it every day. So the more I think about and write about my life the more art I will see. Here are some happy quotes I found, don't know any of the authors sorry!

finish each day & be done with it.you have done what you could.some blunders & absurdities have crept in ;forget them as soon as you can.tomorrow is a new day you shall begin it serenely & with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

live life fully while you're here.experience everything.take care of yourself & your friends.have fun, be crazy, be weird.go out & screw up.you're going to anyway,so you might as well enjoy the process.take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes ;find the cause of your problem & eliminate it.don't try to be perfect ; just be an excellent example of being human.

i have to trust my instincts & let go of my fear & regret.if it was meant to happen, it'll happen.fate has it's funny ways. it's a matter of time & the right moment.fate exists but it can only take you so far cause once you're there it's up to you to make it happen.

they say people don't change.who you are is who you'll always be.maybe we don't change on our own.i think it is that we change because of the things that happen in our lives,& the way we react to them.

cute guys are amazing.not the super sexy guys, who are too shallow even for themselves.but the ones who are sort of clumsy, & dorky at times.who are always sorta sweet.they are the ones worth keeping.

you are every reason, every hope & every dream that I've ever had.& no matter what happens to us in the future, every day i spent with you was the best day of my life.

being a strong person means knowing that in the end, everything is going to be okay.& if something is meant to be, then you have to know ;no matter what, it'll find a way.

faith does not require understanding.most of us don't know how the respiratory system works,yet we still breathe in & out.most of us have no idea what is going on underneath the hood of our cars,yet we still drive to work every morning.most of don't have the slightest clue how the Internet works,but we rely on it everyday to get work done.in everything we do, life requires a little bit of faith

she took down all her old pictures, & now her wall is empty.it's not that she's ready to forget everything in the past..she's just realizing it's time to move on.she's not going to replace the memories,but she's going to make new ones, better ones.

maybe our old wounds teach us something.they remind us where we've been & what we've overcome.they teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future.that's what we like to think, but that's not the way it is, is it?some things we just have to learn over & over & over again.

If it hadn't been for you guys I wouldn't be standing right now.

Today I had plans to work on my finals and take a nap, but it got hijacked. First I went over and talked to my friend Laura. I love that girl to death. Best relief society president ever. I will miss her super bad. Then Laura decided to go take a nap so I decided to go to Aubri's pancake party. That was a heck of a lot of fun. I've been spending more and more time with Aubri. She's just so loud and happy, but understands a lot of the things that I've gone through better than most people. Well I hung out with her and Braxton and Debra and lots of people it was really fun. An old.....acquaintance? Well I know her better than an acquaintance, but she's not a friend said something rather rude about me after I complimented her. What a crazy whore. Whatever. So then we found it was Becky's birthday so Braxton Aubri and I ran downstairs and sang her happy birthday. We ended up sitting around with her and her sister Hailey. It was very fun. We made fun of Braxton's "moustache" which literally just looks like a dirt smudge on his upper lip. We also made fun of his unibrow....we still love him though. We also hacked onto Becky's laptop and posted that Braxton and Aubri were dating to pretty much everyone she is friends with in our ward. It was really funny, mostly because she didn't know and it was Aubri's idea. We also went to a party for Becky's birthday and felt awkward cause we didn't really know anyone. I got to play an acoustic guitar! It was amazing! I haven't played one in ages. An acoustic expresses much more than an electric. I love my electric, but I really miss my acoustic. I had a really really really great day! It's been awhile since I've gotten to hang out with people I actually like and don't have to schedule an appointment with....yeah it's been a tough semester. But we had a really good time. Now we're going to have a sleep over. After such a wonderful day I got some....well not bad news....but a little heartbreaking to say the least.....sooo yeah.

So here are some quotes that kinda fit how I'm feelin right now:
One day you’ll understand. You’ll wake up and decide to be a man. You’ll look for me in our familiar places. Wait for me to show up at your door. And by then it might be too late. I might not love you anymore.

I miss who you used to be around meyou were never this monster youve becomeyou never broke my heart, or any of your friendswhy are you changing?We are your real friendswe'll be there till the end, but these girls are justusing you, so come back to your dear friends

I miss who you used to be around meyou were never this monster youve becomeyou never broke my heart, or any of your friendswhy are you changing?We are your real friends we'll be there till the end, but these girls are just using you, so come back to your dear friends

i hate how i don't talk to you for a month
but then all of a sudden you call me again
and it's like as if nothing ever happened and
i slowly start falling for you all over again

when i can't sleep at night because i'm just not tired yet,i lay in my bed & make up stories & scenariosof me & you together.playing in the snow or cuddled up in your basement.but all this dreaming is getting me nowhere.because when i wake up the next morning,unrested & unsastisfied,i know what i'm going to see.i'll see you & her, hand in hand, dreaming about each otherthe way i dream of you.& then i'll just be dissapointed.tell me why i keep setting myself up for dissapointment?i think it might be your smile.

one day you're going to want that girl.the girl that knew she wasn't perfect, but tried tobe perfect for you. the girl that believed the scrapsof you she was given were worth it because somethingwas better than nothing. the girl who wanted nothing more than to be there for you, & loving you was the onlyway she could. the girl who sees your flaws, but valuesthem as much as your strengths. the girl who still can'tbring herself to hate you, even though sometimes youprobably deserve it. the girl who saw past your prettyeyes & treasured parts of you that no one else hasever appreciated. the girl who realizes she may neverhave your heart, but will carry the image of you in hersforever. the girl that sees this & still loves you. the girlthat should have you, but doesn't.

Trying to stay +Positive+

I'm back in the gem state. I got about 3 hours of sleep last night and I'm not happy about it. I'm actually having a pretty down day, mostly tiredness, but I got my FAFSA back today and I received about 1/2 of what I was expecting. Apparently I'm not poor enough. Oh well. Nothing I can do right now right? Man I am not looking forward to job searching when I get home. I'll probably be able to get my job at Beverly's back, but I mostly just wanna work nights there and work full time somewhere else. AKA MOOOLAAAAAAA. We'll see I guess. Just depends how everything turns out. I am excited to sell my books back soon. Looks like I'll be getting $180 back...maybe I'll actually be able to spend money at warped tour...probably not. After this week of school I get to see my family, spend 4 hours with my cousin and just relax for 2 weeks. And by relax I mean I'll prolly have a nervous stomach about job hunting the whole time. I swear, I should have an ulcer by now. I worry thoroughly. I guess while I'm spending time with my sister I will be applying for scholarships like mad. I did really love seeing her for a few hours last night. Now that I have that all out of my system how about a few quotes for you listening to me whine.

I think that's what's wrong with the world; no one says what they feel, they always hold it inside. They're sad, but they don't cry. They're happy, but they don't sing or dance. They're angry, but they don't scream. 'Cause if they do, they feel ashamed. And that's the worst feeling in the world. So everyone walks with their heads down and no one sees how beautiful the sky really is.

Author Unknown

Life is made up of years that mean nothing and moments that mean it all.

Author Unknown

Let me tell you something you already know. The world isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it isn’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done. Now, if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth, but you got to be willing to take the hit.

For some reason I think that's Rocky

We Greeks believe that solitude is very dangerous. Great passions grow into monsters in the dark of the mind; but if you share them with loving friends, they remain human, they can be endured

Sophocles - Antigone

some things are meant to be broken

& i won't settle to be one of them

Unknown

sometimes we just need to get out, get away.& momentarily forget everything in order to realize that what we have really isn't that bad.

Unknown

sometimes late at night i think about all the things that have been, all the things that haven't been &all the things yet to be. if my heart could explode into a billion tiny pieces & scatter themselves allover the world. if i could live on sunlight & the city sounds & fall asleep in those thousands of lighted windows. i wonder if this world will ever make sense to me, if i will ever truly understand anything.& if there's really anything to understand at all

Unknown

life is about getting up out of your chair & doing something.it is about doing nothing. making a mess. moving your hand & your body. leaving a mark. it is about doing. action.finishing experimenting. trying something immersing. it is about absurdity. a creation. evidence that you exist.using materials. destruction. it is about fun. doing the opposite.breaking the rules. it is about ideas. getting dirty. making mistakes. I'm going to ask you to make a mark & it's going to be messy. don't worry about that. that's the point.

Unknown

there is never a sudden revelation,a complete & tidy explanation for why it happened,or why it ends, or who you are.you want one & i want one, but there isn't one.it comes in bits & pieces, & you stitch them together wherever they fit, & when you are done you hold yourself up, & still there are holes &you are a rag doll, invented, imperfect.& yet you are all that you have,so you must be enough. there is no other way.

Unknown

sometimes there is nothing to be said.sometimes nothing should be said.i just want to find someone who won't run away.someone to look me in the eyes & tell me it's okay that things don't always go right.that this is how life works & how it will always work.that it's not going to be easy. today, tomorrow, the next day.but it will somehow get better.

Unknown

be soft. do not let the world make you hard.do not let the pain make you hate.do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness.take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.

Unknown

i love that moment in the night when you wake up & you're not exactly sure what time it is but you know you have to get up for work in the morning & you don't want to look at the clock because you're scared that it will say that it's two minutes from the time you set your alarm for. but then you can't help yourself & you look at the clock & you have four hours of sleep left.

Unknown

you think your pain & your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. it was books that taught me that the things that tormented me the most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, or who had ever been alive.

Unknown

you light is seen, your heart is known,your soul is cherished by more people that you might imagine.if you knew how many others have been touched in wonderful ways by you, you would be astonished.if you knew how many people feel so much for you,you would be shocked. you are far more wonderful than you think you are. rest with that. rest easy with that.breathe again. you are doing fine. more than fine.better than fine. you're doing great. so relax.& love yourself today.

Unknown.

Y'all have a good night now!

Guess what!

Guess what! I'm in Utah....yeah I'm going to sleep now. Micah and I awaken at 7:30 tomorrow morning and head back to Idaho! Hasta luego!

Yes I am still in my pjs, your point?

Yep, I'm awake. Don't worry, I feel like crap. Oh well. Just did an hour of work before I go to school. So why am I posting on here? I would just like to remind everyone that PSYCH! Comes back Aug 7th. Why do I love this show so much? There are 3 basic reasons. A. It's a cop drama (I LOVE Cop Dramas). B. It's my type of funny (It doesn't have gross humor, it's all stuff I would laugh at) C. I am Gus, Melissa is Sean. (That's my best friend if you were wondering). Yes. She is Sean, I am Gus. Maybe not so much in public, but when she feels comfortable, TRUST ME! Sometimes we switch roles, cause honestly, we're not television characters. But yeah, I'm Pumped! Plus Sean is HOT! PICTURES!

I figured out my problem!!

So as most of you know, I am packing up my entire life right now. In t minus 6 days "technically" I will be leaving the gem state, >spending 2 weeks in the greater Salt Lake area and then flying home to beautiful, sunny, hot California. This poses a problem seeing as how I have a bicycle, guitar, etc etc up here at school with me. The answer to that problem is a storage unit. In that storage unity will reside the majority of my belongings for the next 5 months. This requires me to pack everything by Wednesday. Leave some things that I would like to have in CA in ID. And to only take my clothing, and ESSENTIALS home. Now my parents and I will intersect in UT and they offered to drive a few things home for me. Here entered my dilemma for the day. My dear cousin, who is giving a ride down to Utah, and who is AWESOME does not have the room to take extra stuff with me. BUM BUM BUMMMMMM. So how do I resolve this? Well I was discussing the puzzle with my room mate Micah, as we drove my bike(with open trunk) to the storage facility, and she generously offered a fun little road trip this weekend. That is right folks. Tomorrow at aproximately 7 Micah and I will load about 3 boxes into the car, drive 4 hours, crash on my sister's couch, put those boxes in a storage room, drive 4 hours and return to Idaho. AMAZING! I swear I have the best room mate EVER! Now I really don't have any problems in my life until I return to Canyon Country to find a job. WONDERFUL? Yes. Blessing? Amen.

Now if you notice the time stamp it will be about midnight when I post this. Why am I awake at such a late hour? I have a sleeping issue. Everday at about 2 pm I get supppeeerrrrr tired. This lasts until about 9. At 9 I get a HUGE burst of energy and don't feel drowzy until about 2 or 3 am. This creates a problem because A. My room mates are asleep. B. I've done pretty much everything I need to get done for the day and C. There really isn't much to watch on t.v. So what do I do? Well for the last week or so I end up packing a lot of my stuff. Honestly right now 1/8 of my stuff is still unpacked. yeah.....also...I post on here!

So here is something I wrote a couple months back. I was in the cafeteria just listening to music an watching people:

Can any of you hear?

Do any of you see?

I sit here with my ears so full of music and love and you just sit there. Do your realize you're missing something? Something so basic and essential? Can you hear?

I know I'm missing it. I can feel the empty, but in that empty I can feel so much more. Some fridays are sad>Some Saturdays are worse, but when I put these headphones in..... None of you see me. None of you recognize me. I look at you, laughing, smiling, I can fly. Did you know that? I can fly. When the sound hits me there is nothing I can't do. Guitars are my friends. Drums are my crew. Lyrics are my boyfriends. Do you think you're living? I don't know if you are but I know I am. Nothing holds me down.

Well that's my cue to go to bed. So good night world. tomorrow I clean for white gloves and drive to Utah.

A video, a pig and a coma.

oy vey. It has been a long day and it's many miles before I rest, many miles to go before I rest. Hahahaha I wonder if anyone will know what that's from. yeah I know I misquoted but whatever.
Here is a little video my friend Ian showed me today. heheheh I feel sad for the little blue pickle.

On another note: I dissected a fetal pig today. Ok well I just watched and tried not to hurl. I am glad I never ever wanted to be a doctor.

I also discovered today that as soon as I sit down I get supppeeeerrrr tired. Like right now I'm nearly in a coma. Before I was completely fine and working hard on packing everything in my room so I can clean for white glove on Saturday. Now I'm comatose.....odd.

On another note: one week till I get to see my family! well not all of them, Em has to go home early, but whose fault is that?!? Hers for sure. well my laundry is done so I'm going to go get that and try and work on my room. Sorry so short!

The Art of Willard Cron

Does anyone else ever find themselves in complete AWE of some of their friends talents? I would like to dedicate this post to Sir Willard Cron. His photography and style truly inspire me.

I love this portrait. I love the expression and the contrast with the mountains in the background.

I can not really explain why I love this photo. I think it has something to do with the coloring.

I love this photo for the words. The sharp contrast with the solid words, their meaning and the girls' faces and positions really pop. Willard is just so stylish!

This reminds me of 80's movies. I love the open space in it as well as Willie's face. The wrinkling on the photo really catches my eye, and his eyes really see.

I love the straightness of the face in this. The complete seriousness of his face while doing an act that is hard to keep a straight face during.

This picture just speaks to me. What is it saying? I'm not really sure yet. Something about the expression, face, hair, clothes and lighting really catch my interest.

I don't even know what to say about this picture. The colors. The lines. The anonymity. Love it.

And here is the artist himself. This is just a GQ picture. Can't deny it. Love his art.

In other words I think he is one of the most talented people I know. His photography just works so well. He is a master of the craft.

Dreams, Eyes, and more papers

Well here I am procrastinating an essay again. My rough draft has to be 7-9 pages and my final has to be 8-10. I have 5. Oy. This is gonna be a long day.

Now down to why I'm on here. Today as I did my makeup I really looked at my eyes. Really looked. I've been a fan of my eyes since the boy I love complimented me on them like 5 years ago. yeah. I know. Well I was thinking about what they look like now compared to how they used to look. When I was young I had big brown eyes. Puppy dog eyes. A golden dark brown that create the feelings of trust and joy and loyalty. My eyes are now brownish greenish gold. They have black rings around the outside and then are a weird beautiful color until you reach the pupil where the black resides. I was thinking about what the symbolism could be of that. I am an English major after all. When I was young I was very fixated on everyone but myself. I worried how others were feeling and tried to make everyone has happy as possible. That's where the soft puppy dog eyes come from. As I've grown up I've become a little more bitter, experienced a lot of hard things and I've seen a lot. This has caused the dark ring around my eyes. I know and have felt things that cause me to not be completely trusting and joyful. This does not mean that I've lost hope completely. There is still that gold and brown, but there is the green of knowledge. I will not be fooled again. I don't know if that sounds really depressing, but it's not. I think it's quite poetic. Oh and the picture kind of illustrates what I mean.

On a completely different note. As some of you know I have a few odd goals in my life. I'll expound on some of them in later blogs, but today I would like to focus on one. The Aurora Borealis. I think it is one of the most beautiful and magical things that have been created by our Heavenly Father. I really want to see it one day. I mean, who wouldn't want to witness this in the sky?

unfortunately this phenomenon is caused by sunspots. We're kind of in a sunspot draught right now. It's been about 2 years with no or very little sunspots now. I hope this doesn't foreshadow the end of life itself because....I really want to see that before I die. You want to know the worst part? Sometimes you can see them in Rexburg. I finally get to a place in the world where I could see them and there are NONE. Oy.
Well back to the paper.

Movies, Essays, Geology and Murder...YAAAAAY

Today has been a very long day! I've written 1 essay, passed 1 final and almost killed 2 people. I realized today that I write an essay pretty much every day. Wow...if I would've told myself that in high school I think I would've laughed. Who me? Write an essay a day? NAHHHH oh wait...yeah I am. Crap. Plus I passed my Geology Final! Yay! That just means I need to pass my Geology Lab test tomorrow and I'm done with that class. Only what? 4 more Geology classes in my college career? Does that really qualify me to be an Earth Science teacher? Why yes it does. Taking those 5 classes and passing a Praxis. Does anyone else think that it's a bit ridiculous? I'll take what? 15, 20, 30? English classes in my college career? Yes. Lets say I average 10 essays per class. So that leaves me with how many essays? 150? 200? 300? wow....I'm glad I love this stuff. I think.
On a completely separate note I am so excited for this this movie. I think it looks amazing and hilarious.
On another note...the 2 people I almost killed. They live with me....I love them, don't get me wrong, but I don't know if I will be able to handle the next 9 days. Sure I'll survive them, but I won't be happy. You can't make me be happy about it. I will not go into description of why they bug me but lets just say they do. Perhaps pride will be my downfall. Perhaps it will lead me to murder. Well I'm going to either go start another essay or make dinner. Or perhaps just go lie on the couch for awhile.

I wrote this when I was supposed to be studying Geology yesterday:
Staring out the window keeps me from doing work. Sitting at this carol listening and watching. They say libraries are quiet places, but they're not for me. As I glide my fingers along the spines of the books they silently scream to me. They whisper their metaphors and similes. It's almost as if I'm in the middle of a crowd. Books are like candy to me. I salivate at the mere sight of them. My fingers itch my eyes race back and forth waiting for the words to penetrate my brain. Like a dog tugging on a leash my heart paws the ground and reaches for it. My brain buzzes and it's like a flurry of snow. My blood rushes through my veins, but everything is different when I give in and read. My blood doesn't move. My body doesn't move. My eyes open wide and my mind follows suit. When I read I don't exist. I am holding the book and my eyes are reading the words but I'm not there. I am completely and utterly absorbed in the book. Movies don't effect me that way. Music doesn't even effect me that way. Books are soully that way. I would rather be reading.

Well I passed that test and I am now avoiding essays. Yes there is a plural on the end of that. I am now watching videos of Rhett and Link. I love these men. So today I would like to tip my hat to both books and youtube videos. Oh Mr. Bradbury would be so proud.

A book about pop culture...that I'm advicating via pop culture

I'll do a longer post later, but for now I'll just put in a few quotes that I love from Ray Bradbury's Farenheit 451.
"Books were only one type of receptacle where we stored a lot of things we were afraid we might forget. There is nothing magical in them at all. The magic is only in what books say, how they stitched the patches of the universe together into one garment for us. " (82-83)
"We are living in a time when flowers are trying to love on flowers, instead of growing on good rain and black loam. Even fireworks, for all their prettiness, come from the chemistry of the earth. Yet somehow we think we can grow, feeding on flowers and fireworks, without completeing the cycle back to reality." (83).
"It tells you what to think and blasts it in. It must be right. It seems so right. It rushes you on so quickly to its own conclusions your mind hasn't time to protest, 'What nonsense!'" (84).
"Books can be beaten down with reason. But with all my knowledge and skepticism, I have never been able to argue with a one-hundred-piece symphony orchestra, full color, three dimensions, and being in and part of those incredible parlors" (84).
"Don't ask for guarantees. And don't look to be saved in any one thing, person, machine, or library. Do your own bit of saving, and if you drown, at least die knowing you were headed for shore" (86).
"Those who don't build must burn. It's as old as history and juvenile delinquents" (89).
"You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be. Mistakes can be profited by. Man, when I was young I shoved my ignorance in people's faces. They beat me with sticks. By the time I was forty my blunt instrument had been honed to a fine cutting point for me. If you hide your ingorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn" (104).
I'll write more and explain later! Have a wonderful day!

A Farewell to Arms, Friends, Ocean etc.

Hello World. Sorry I kind of got lost this week, schools been pretty crazy. I'm supposed to be writting a paper on A Farewell to Arms right now, but lets say I've got a wee case of writers block. The more I think about this book the more confused I get. I mean, Fredric and Catherine hardly know each other yet he deserts the army for her. They live in a country they know NO ONE in and yet they are perfectly happy together. I don't know, it just seems like a fake relationship to me. I'm sorry if anyone takes offense to me calling Hemingway out on this one, but I just feel like for being a classic piece of literature it should be a bit more believeable. And this is coming from someone who LOVES Scifi and fantasy novels. It just seems so odd that they can not know each other, spend all of their time together, and NOT KILL EACH OTHER!

Well that's not what I'm writting my essay on. I'm writting it on the correlation between rain and Fredric's emotions. Well at least that's what I'm trying to write it on. I only have 2 more paragraphs to go and I just can't seem to get them out. BLEH.

On another note there are only 9 more school days before I get to head down to Salt Lake and see some people I love dearly. Then head home and see more people I love dearly. And then see the ocean. People who have never lived near the ocean can't understand this, but it's this calling, this yearning that afflicts some of us. I hate sand, I have really sensitive eyes so the ocean is rough on them, but I put up with that so that I can experience it. The boiling hot sun with the freezing water. The sticky sand and the extreme thirst that occurs after swimming. Add that all up and you get one of the most beautiful experiences ever. It's like magic. That is the best way to describe. Add up all of the things that aren't very good and you get a wonderfull thing. It's odd but thats what the ocean is to me.

Recently I got in contact with a friend of mine. He's had a lot of troubles in his life and we hardly know each other, but I was there at a really hard point in his life last winter. Well I found out he lives in Salt Lake now. I'm really hoping I get to see him.He has been one of the inspirations in my life. He's a creator and one of the most amazing creators I've met. He's so talented and I really wish him the best. Being Mormon I don't get tatoos, but if I did I would get the one he and I designed when we were 14. Those were wonderful times and I miss them and him. Maybe one day I'll do a computer generated version of the tatoo and post it on here.

On another note I had a good long talk with a friend here about the complications we've faced with our best guy friends. I was talking to another friend about it and she said it all boiled down to the fact that "men and women can't be friends. One will always want more than the other". My whole life I've been told that. I have not believed it for a second! I think that would be the most heartbreaking tragedy if it were true and maybe it's true in some cases, but not in mine. Sure there are guy friends who I want more with, but that doesn't mean our friendship is doomed. I was talking to this same friend about how I am a tomboy. Always have been, always will be. I'm just not a girly girl. I'm not going to change my self for anyone or anything. I was raised by a strong woman who did what she wanted wether or not it fit into gender roles. I had an older brother I ADORED and tried to emulate. I had one sister who taught me that I chose my own personality. If I wanted to be happy well heck I could be happy no matter what the situation. I had another sister who raised me to be tough and not care what others said and to NEVER BE FAKE. Then when I was 14 I joined drumline. I knew who I was and I was fine with it. I didn't try to change myself because I was suddenly surrounded by all guys. I embraced it, but didn't change. It was then that I realized the reason I had never been able to have a friendship with a girl for more than a few years. I just don't get along with girls. Simple matter of fact. It wasn't until 2 girls joined drumline. My junior year of high school was an eye opening experience. It was then that I realized that I had been trying to be friends with all the wrong types of girls. I guess what I'm trying to say is that guys and girls can be friends, it just takes the right kind of people.

This is a really random and unconnected post, but it's what I've been thinking about lately.

Convulsion inducing

I found out last night and I couldn't sleep. I'm "engaged" excited for this. So close and yet so far away.
Brand New changed the way I heard music. From the moment I saw Jesse Lacey in this I have loved them. I told my sister the other day that "Your Favorite Weapon" is in my top three favorite albums of all time and that "Deja Entendu" is in my top three most influential albums. I can not wait to hear what they will be coming out with next. Each of their albums is so unique and different. They've changed and progressed so much in their life span. It is one of my all time goals to see them live. Words can not describe how much they have influenced me, or how many times they've saved my life.

So here's to you my boys, can't wait to hear the new stuff.

What music means to me.

To tell you the truth I don't know if anyone is reading this, but that doesn't matter to me. If anyone is actually reading this they probably know that I love music. I've made a habit out of creating mixes for family and friends. My mom is the greatest supporter of this art. Yes thats right, I just called creating a mix cd an art. When you think about it, it's just like being a DJ, or mixing a song. There is a technique and a theory to this. This last week or so I've been working on a mix cd for a friend of mine. She doesn't like when music swears, so that cut down on the music I could use a lot. Don't get me wrong, I dislike swearing, it just doesn't bother me as much as it does her. So as I was scanning through my itunes library I was searching for songs that both get the blood pumping, but don't have bad words. I realized why I love music so much, it takes you somewhere. I'm the kind of person who when I feel the need to travel better get traveling or else I'm screwed. Last night I started reading Steinbeck's Travels with Charley. I've read Of Mice and Men so I was expecting something along those lines. Part One of the book is all about how he feels the need to travel. When I read the lines "Four hoarse blast of a ship's whistle still raise the hair on my neck and set my feet to tapping. The sound of a jet, an engine warming up, even the clopping of shot hooves on pavement brings on the ancient shudder, the dry mouth and vacant eye, the hot palms and the churn of stomach high up under the rib cage. In other words, I don't improve; in further words, once a bum always a bum. I fear the disease is incurable. I set this matter down not to instruct others but to inform myself. When the virus of restlessness begins to take possession of a wayward man, and the road away from Here seems broad and straight and sweet, the victim must first find n himself a good and sufficient reason for going" I knew why I loved music. I have always wanted to wander. It has been my dream since the age of 11 to get in a car and just GO. Of course I couldn't drive at the age of 11, and now I still don't have a car. Believe me if I had a car I would be gone by now. When I do have a car in my possession I am tied down by obligations and promises. Thats why I drive the canyons at night when I'm home. It doesn't matter where I'm going. It matters that I'm going. That is a completely different blog all together, but today I want to focus on how I cope without being able to leave. Music comes from everywhere. Music is the uniting language of the world. We each have our own specific dialects and ideas of what makes good music, but there are few people in this world who don't appreciate music. Of course there are varying levels of music appreciation, I would like to consider myself among the highest level of music appreciators. I pretty much always have my ipod and right now I've got pandora streaming. What I'm beating around is that music moves me. When I am listening to music I am not walking down the street, or doing homework. When I hear certain songs I'm taken back to a moment I correlate with that song. The Punk goes Acoustic album reminds me of driving in the canyons with Melissa in December 2007. The Punk goes Acoustic vol 2 album reminds me of riding on the band bus with Kayla and talking about the different songs. Brandi Carlile's song "The Storybook" reminds me of driving with Laura. Avenged Sevenfold reminds me of rides to school with Joe and Karen. Queen reminds me of that one perfect evening with Karen and Crystal at the lifeguard station. What I'm trying to say is that when I listen to music I feel like I'm somewhere else. I wish I could express to the world what music means to me. It is like my skeleton and my blood. It's what holds me in shape when I think I'll fall apart and what provides me with what I need to keep moving. Its what breaks last in my heart and what heals first. I can't describe it completely, but music is so important to me. I hope I can spread that love someday.

A need I have.

Sometimes in my life I get really down. Like weirdly down. I don't know why I'm down, but I am. Simple matter of fact. The only way for me to feel better is to get out of the house and hang out with people. People who know me well know that there are times I WILL NOT leave the house, and I normally am not one to go out every night. So when I get down like this it's extremely odd. And if you take away my outting I get rather mad. Sometimes when I get down like that I don't even feel like going out, but going out is the only way to make me feel better. So tonight I was having one of those nights. My feet were tired, I was tired, and I hate fireworks. Thats why I was so suprised to cheer up the longer I spent out of my house. I was finally feeling alright. Finally pretty happy and what happens? I am sent home when I had just started feeling better. So what is this blog all about? It's about controling my own life. Sometimes the only way to make me feel better is to give up control on my life, and sometimes the worst thing to happen to me is someone else controlling it. So what does this have to do with art and the soul? I think it means we need something that controls us and lets us fly free at the same time. Thats why being an artist is such a beautiful thing, it both controls you completely but also allows you to avoid all social rules. Perhaps thats why I want to be an artist I guess. I love it completely and love so many more things. Life is so funny sometimes.

Today is the 4th of July. I am not a fan of fireworks, but this painting always reminds me of them. I can stare at this painting all day. Jackson Pollock, now that was man who knew how to paint. People who don't recognize his painting as pure art make me angry. He was probablly one of the most ingenous painters in history. I wish I could paint like him. So here's to you Mr. Pollock. Lavender Mist. Beauty.

Connecting people

So in the past year I've gone from accepting I'll be an English teacher, to deciding no matter what happens I want to be a rock star, and loving the idea of being an English teacher. I came to the realization about a month ago that what I really want to do is connect people. To bring them to an understanding that they are not alone in this world and that if they need help there is a wide network of people who can understand their problems. That's what music does for me. When I am having a bad day I put on my headphones and listen to some specific songs and then I know I'm not alone. I know there are people who have the same problems as me because that's what they're singing about through my headphones. I know that I'm not alone because I know there are others out there listening to the same song feeling the same way. In coming to this realization I realized how much I have grown up in the last year. I am now to a point in my life where I am OK with admitting that I am just like everyone else. Sure I have my unique trials and quirks, but when you really look at me I'm just a normal kid. And you know what? I'm finally OK with that. But back to my career goal. So I'm not sure how I want to do it, there are plenty of things out there that connect people. There is facebook, myspace, postsecret, all forms of music, unwrittenlettersproject.com, books, magazines, helplines, TWLOHA, and so many others! And you know what, I don't really feel the need to stick out. I don't need to be the leading edge on this. I just want to connect people. Whenever I think about writing books or singing my own music it's not so I can become famous, or host VH1's I love the 2000's(which would be really cool). I want to write music so I can get this ache outside of me. There is a broken hollow part inside of me that never is truly healed unless I'm writing or playing. I think that's what drives the best musicians, they need to heal that part of themselves. That's why I want to write, to heal myself and to connect others. To let them know they don't have to go through life alone. What worries me is that I've always labeled myself as an acceptor. In my theory there are 2 types of people creators and acceptors. Creators are the ones who develop their own life style, they go by their own code, whatever they decide to do they develop their own way of doing it. Acceptors appreciate the creators or not. A creator doesn't necessarily have to create art, they just don't follow others. Acceptors go according to previous creators paths or simply appreciate what they make. In my life I've always been an acceptor. I've been the person who looks at everyone and sees what talents they have and what beautiful lives they're creating and see my own and realize I'm following a prefabricated life. I've tried to get off of it before, but it never ends up working. I just don't think I can connect people unless I find a way to become a creator. I can't heal myself unless I become a creator. Whenever I do try and become a creator I feel like an impostor, like a fraud. I know I can write, but a novel? They never sound right. I know I can sing, but my songs? Always slow and mournful, never the happy rock songs I want to create. So my goal for this next year is to learn how to connect with people. Well I just realized something. I realized I connect people with my jokes. I'm not a comedian by far, but I'm funnier than the average person. I don't think I could use that to make a life where I connect people though. Perhaps a youtube video or a tv show. All I know is a I want to connect.