I miss home

I miss home. Not the place my parents lived, not even the house I grew up in. I miss feeling like I belong. I miss the friends who got me through high school. I miss the nights I was fine staying at home. I miss all day vacations with my friends to marching band comps. I miss not worrying about cliques. I miss feeling safe. I miss feeling like I belong. I miss feeling loved completely, not just parts of me, not just for the parts I let people see. I miss the people who knew everything that I had been through and loved me all the same. I miss the people who didn't know what I had been through but knew I was broken all the same. I am sick of people treating me like I should bounce back. I can' bounce back. Not from this. Not from you. I can't deal with this stuff right now. I can't deal with the 14 year old drama that you're giving me because I have been dealing with things above your head. I can't deal with you mourning that boy because I handled that on my own 4 months ago and you paid me no mind. I don't really care how sad you are. You blow your nose and get over it. Look at me. I just balled my eyes out and no one cared. I am going to write this blog and then finish the 80 pages I have to read before tomorrow. So I'm sorry you're sad, but life is not going to stop for you. Life isn't stopping for me to mourn missing my home. I still have to get up at 6 tomorrow. I still have to go to school and do my laundry and do homework. It's really not going to get any easier. I know you judge me for all the daydreaming and whatifing I do. I know it. I don't care anymore. If you knew what I have been trying to work through you would realize its either be hopeful and try or kill myself. I'm to strong to go out that way. So stop whispering about me. Stop judging me. Stop it. I'm just done. I am going to talk to the friends I lost in high school. I am going to reminisce about the good old days. I am going to wonder what would've happened if I stayed in that town. All I know is that I don't need you right now. I'm going to dry my tears and get back to homework. Screw this.

The Bell Tolls for Thee

I don't think I've been grateful enough lately. I am feeling the pressure that a senior college student who is involved in 2 societies feels, but I am blessed beyond all belief. Today in Hemingway we discussed enjoying the now as Hemingway shows us in For Whom The Bell Tolls. As he says "I suppose it is possible to live as full a life in seventy hours as in seventy years; granted that your life has been full up to the time that the seventy hours start and that you have reached a certain age...So if your life trades its seventy years for seventy hours I have that value now and I am lucky enough to know it. And if there is not any such thing as a long time, nor the rest of your lives, nor from now on, but there is only now, why then now is the thing to praise and I am very happy with it" (182). How are you living in the now? What would you do if you had 70 hours to live? Would you be doing what you are now? Would I be sitting in the Crossroads eating lunch and procrastinating astronomy homework? Would I be at this school? Would I be in this town? So our teacher had us create 2 bucket lists. 1 that is just what we want to do before we die, and 1 that is what we would do if we had 70 hours to live. Here are mine:
Life: 1. Perform one of my songs in front of more than 250 people.
2. Go viral on youtube.
3. Get published.
4. Get in a bar brawl.
5. Visit every LDS temple in the continental US
6. Steal something.
7. PLan the perfect murder.
8. Kick a guy in the balls.
9. Open a bakery.
10. Tour with/in a band.
11. Use an alias for a day.
12. Read all of the "classics"
13. Have someone tell me I inspired them.
14. Own a neapolitan mastiff named Brutus
(those were just the ones I thought of in class)
70 Hours:1. Tell my father I forgive him.
2. Makeout with my crush.
3. Tell "her" off/give her some advice
4. Pray
5. Bear my testimony to the people I know who need it.
6. Pass on my journals.
7. Give my honest opinion to everyone.
8. Compliment everyone I see and do it honestly.
9. Give my possessions away.
10. Record a testimonial of my life and put it on youtube.
11. Write a letter to those I care about.
12. Visit Brother Grant.
13. Stay in Rexburg.
14. Go to Porter Park.
15. Sit under the trees I've marked my life by.
16. Smell the ocean.
17. Spend every last cent I have on things my mother wants but will not buy for herself.

So I am going to continue keeping these lists. I hope you love the life you're leading now.

Fiction with a ring on it.

As some of you may remember, I have my wedding dress picked out. And you also all know I go to "BYU-I Do". A common thing to do when you're bored up here is to plan your wedding. Last night while watching bridewars I just decided I might as well find pictures of what I want. So here it all is, planned out. Perfect. Now I just need a groom....hmmmm do you really need one of those?

The black of this over cream table cloths

These shoes, but in ivory

The setting. I love oak trees.

Bridesmaid dresses! SOOO gorgeous. It's from 1954.....we'll have to make them and add a black beaded cardie. I want one too.