What do you expect me to do?

You have been the one steady person in my life for the last 5 years. How could I not fall in love with you? How could you expect me to not be won over by your charm? Your concern? Your infectious laughter? Your heart? How could I not love you?!? You have been the one boy in my life, including my father and brother, who ever gave a shit how I was feeling! You were the first real person in my life who cared at all how I was feeling! I had been broken the year before, irrevocably broken. You came in. You scooped me up in your arms and held me till I stopped shaking. Till I believed in love and life again. How could you expect me not to love you?!? You were there whenever I needed you. Whenever I laid on the floor sobbing you were the one I could call. You never hung up on me when I wailed. You never told me I was being crazy when I really felt broken. You were there. Thats all you had to do to be in my heart forever. And you are because you were. How do you expect me to get over the one man who has ever been there? How do you expect me to not die for you every day you’re away? Matt you were my best friend. You were my heart when I literally had none. You were the impossible friendship that bloomed out of nowhere! You were the event that appeared like a miracle when I needed it most. How could I say no to you? But you’re gone now. You’ve gone for 2 years and we’re only 10 months into it. I don’t know how I’m going to make it the remaining 14. I am already counting down the days to see you again and you tell me I’ll find a man who loves me the way I deserve. Is it wrong if I don’t want that? Is it wrong if I would settle for you settling for me? You are the one I absolutely want. 3 years ago I decided I would never give up. I tried to push you away. I thought it worked. I was so wrong. I saw you just once and melted straight away. Remember when my mom was sick and I called you sobbing? I just remember kneeling in the shower and sobbing because I loved you so much and because I needed my mother. Remember when Parker died? I called you and cried. You comforted me and reminded me that we were all going to be alright. Remember when Dustin killed himself? All I could do was email you, but you were the only person I talked about the pain with. Everyone else I had to comfort. I had to be strong for everyone else. I don’t think you realize how much I trust you by letting you see me at my weakest. You are the one I want. I don’t care how long it takes. I pray to God every night that you will somehow see it. That you will hear my prayers and feel my heart silently beating for you. I pray that maybe when you come back your views will change and you might just love me. I pray that if this never turns out right that God will remove you from my heart. But you won’t be home for another 14 months. You won’t see me for another 18 months. I won’t hug you for another 14 months. This breaks my heart every night. I can still feel your arms around me as we stood shivering in the cold. You whispered to me how much you loved me. I will love you forever, I’m afraid. Good night little sir. When you come home I will be a full form adult with a degree and a career. For you I’d give it all up. For you I’d be homeless. For you I’d be anything. I miss you.