I hope you know.

I want to move miles and miles and miles away from here. Away from you and memories that jump from around every corner. I want to be able to take a walk without something reminding me of you and the way we were once. I know you will taint some things forever. You will taint my favorite pair of flip flops, jean shorts and white v-necks because that is all I wore that summer. You tainted Virgin Margaritas made with my favorite Jose Cuervo mix. You tainted movies and quotes and people for me. But I won't let that ruin me. I'm beyond the pain. I am beyond the tears and the heartache. I am beyond that but I'm still haunted by you. I can't wait to start a new journal because your name will never taint those pages. I can't wait until I wear through another pair of jeans so I can make new jean shorts. And just last week I bought a new package of white v-necks because I wanted to. You may have tainted a few things for the time being, but trust me you didn't ruin my life like you wanted to. In a few more weeks I'll be out of here. I will be away from you, your family, and all of the people who don't realize what happened. People who say I never see you anymore. People who say hey I know you through her. People who don't recognize me, but I recognize them because you dragged me to their house. Yes just a few short weeks and I will be away from that. But you won't. You'll never leave this place. You will never get beyond this small town with your small mind and your small heart. You will not escape what you did, not because I won't forgive you but because you know what you did was wrong. People shouldn't treat people like that and I hope that haunts you for the rest of your life. I hope you see it and you realize what you did wrong and you promise yourself you'll never do it again. Because I am fine. I am beyond this. I am reverting to the old happy wonderful me and I don't need to live in your shadow anymore. I just want you to know that I am moving on and I don't need you anymore. Thats what I need you to know.

Let's get our Family on!

My best friend my protector from the day i left the womb.

We not only shared a heart but we also shared a room.

And with our tiny bodies lying in our queen sized bed we'd flap the wool blanket grandma left.

The sparks that flew between us were huge and island sized.

They disappeared and reappeared in front of our very eyes.

And with each beat of my heart i knew that yours beat too

because we were sisters, the kind the world never knew.

You became my mother at the age of 8 but were my father long before that.

You taught me everything a child should know and the adult reasoning behind it.

You showed me what to fear out in the dark.

You showed me what to fear out in the world

You showed me the ins and outs of the playground, the playhouse and the social circles of highschool

You made my lunches while mom was at work.

You showed me how to sort my clothes from light to dark

And this whole time you were still my constant companion, my best friend, and my sister.

With your wild grin you’d drag me into the wildest places.

In our firmly grasped hands I could see a world that didn’t exist.

I could see the dinosaurs grazing in the grass lands of our front yard.

I could see the train you'd built in grandpa's basement.

I could see the witch in the top window of the barn that was charred.

I could even see the jungle we treked through as secret agents.

We had the matching outfits and the matching voices too

even now our mother looking back can't tell who is who.

But it all came crashing down.

The house of cards we hastily built the perfect home we shared.

With rubber ducks and shooting stars our world went up in smoke.

Even now i don't know how it started

even now i don't know how i could've stopped it

but all i know is that i still loved you then.

I loved beside the bruises.

I loved you beside the cuts.

I loved you beside the names and slurs and i loved you just because.

Because family is built on trust.

And i knew no one was there.

I knew you meant love when you'd pull my hair.

So society may say i'm screwed up. And honestly that may be true.

But the only thing thats ever mattered was being there for you.

So now you have it under control

we all now know how to duck and roll

but i hope you know beside it all you have my heart most of all.

Out of every person in the family you have the biggest part.

You don't even realize

You simply are my heart.

The wails the cries

the black and bruised eyes

were nothing but physical because watching you feel lost alone was the worst torture of it all.

You don't see the pride in my eyes you don't see the tears but i love you most of all my dearest big sister.