I wrote this just 2 days before. Lovely ain't it?

Just decide. Are you or aren't you going to be friends this semester? I just need to know now. I'm sick of your flip flopping. Save the "you love me you'll never leave me because so many people left you speech". You know I'm about as secure as a shattering glass. You knowIi'm messed up to my core. And if you don't, you really have no idea who I am. And I do want to be your friend. I do. Its just that when someone hurts me I cut off the affected part and face it with anger. You know that. You've seen it. You need to realize how much i need you. How little you acknowledge me and how poorly you treat me. Sure I get it. You've got a job to fulfill. That doesn't make it okay to leave me hanging on. Tell me I'll see you once a week. I can handle that and I'll find something to tide me over. Tell me you just don't have time. Okay I'll make it on my own. I can and I have. I just am sick of this dangling thing you do. Its complete bullshit. You're turning into Him who treated people like the shit he thought they were. I know he like you and so he treated you kindly, but you don't realize the wake o broken people he left behind. I don't care if thats who you're becoming just have the courage to say it to my face. You just don't want to be friends anymore. Got it. I'll be fine. I swear I will. I don't let people hurt me anymore. All you see is the sot playful Amanda. I've got a heart surrounded by steel. I'm just done with this bullshit. You told me I'd never lose you just a few weeks ago....And now I'm losing you. Guess I was right all along. Never should've trusted you. Never should've listened to you as you lied. Never should've even cared at all.

I hate how you permeated my life. How almost every picture of me from the last year you are in. How I talked to 2 people who I only know through you. How every single time I log onto facebook there is some reminder of you on there. I want to unfriend you soooo bad but what message does that send? I'm doing my best not to think awful thoughts about you. You have no idea how bad I wanted to curse you out. I don't say anything bad about you to anyone. Look at me. Guess I grew up. I just want to walk up to you say something along the lines of "I don't miss you for a second!" and then z-snap and walk away. I don't miss you now, but I can't say it doesn't hurt. I am better off without you, but the stomping of your b-word stiletto heels into my heart did smart quite a bit. So we're approaching our 1 week mark and I rediscovered some great friends. Wonder what you've been up to......probably nothing fun. PEACE

I keep hoping I'll wake up and this was all a dream.

Every single text I hope is you saying you're just kidding. I hope every single facebook message is you.

But they're not. It's not. You're absolutely gone. You can't even face me right now. You're a coward because you know you lied to me. You miss the people I told you you were replacing me with, that you denied. You said no one could ever replace me. Well I guess you were wrong.

My heart is in so much pain. I let down my wall and this is what you pull. You have absolutely no idea how hard it is for me to trust people and I trusted you.

I feel like a fool! My whole family knows what you meant to me. They know what it meant for me to be honest with you. They thought we were coming to visit in February. I had to tell them today that you had decided to move on. I had to tell them that the one person in the whole world I had trusted was now too cool for me.

I hope you see me one of these days. I hope you see me and think man she is cool. When you gather the courage to ask me to hang out someday I don't know how I'll respond. I hope I'll do the good thing. That I'll say yes and we'll go out, smile politely and have fun. But I don't know. I sway from being so pissed off I can't breath to sobbing. And when people are around my heart is empty and I am numb. I hope you're happy. Thats all I want for you. I hope you're happy. Even when I want to scream and punch a wall I hope you're happy.

Someday I'll be happy too.

I'm tempted.

I'm tempted to do a lot of things right now. To burn this sucker down. I figure you've smashed it I might as well destroy the rest of it. But out of kindness, out of courtesy, I won't. Instead I'll take a deep breath, leave you alone and head in a new direction. I was getting tired of that version of me anyways. I'm going to be something big. Something better. Something new. Look out world.