Not worth your time.

To tell you the truth this is the most down night I've had in a long time. I have 2 jobs, I start one next week and the other in September. Both I will be working with great people and most likely having a great time, but at night I get lost. Everybody is still gone or in bed, the night is flowing in through the windows and Sirius Coffee House is playing on the tv. To tell you the truth I'm kind of setting myself up to feel this way. Have you ever just had this pain not really in your heart, but kind of on top of your stomach? like someone is stabbing you? Thats how I know it's going to be a bad night. When I feel that and my eyes keep fluttering, signs of my heart being empty. So for my few and far between readers, Kristie, Jessica, this is about the same person the sand through my fingers blog was about. Got a text the other morning "Sorry I'm such a horrible friend" and of course I accepted him back just like that. I know things will never be like they once were, or like they are in my head. I should just give up and admit that he just doesn't have time for me. That really doesn't help with my friendship paranoia you know? If you were listening to me know you'd tell me to buck up, say I have it better than I realize. I KNOW. I just want to vent you don't let me "cry on your shoulder" anymore. You're pushing me back up and telling me to get on that horse instead of letting me roll in the mud throwing a hissy fit. Sometimes you just need a hissy fit. If I have learned from my friendship with Melissa sometimes you just gotta give them time to curse their life. I talk to you about once a month at best and its always when I need you most. You're never there anymore. Remember that time you called and I was waiting for a shower to open up so I told you all the drama about my room mates? Remember when I called you crying because I thought my mom was dying? Remember when you were my friend and not just a guy I know? I miss you. And when I say that I don't mean I miss you being here, heck I've seen you what 3-5 times in the last 5 years? No I miss you emotionally being there. I know your a guy, but you used to be my guy. Remember that time I called you as I walked home because I was scared? You talked to me the whole way home. I felt like my life was actually going the way I wanted it to. I know I shouldn't base my own happiness on anyone elses actions but to tell you the truth it's what I do. It's what I've done my whole life. I love seeing people happy. I love knowing people care about me. I need proof. Proof that you're there. By the way the reason I keep asking when you're leaving on your mission is because I know you'll be a better man when you come back. it's going to scare the heck out of me the whole time you're gone, but I know you will grow up. As I told Shayla "They leave boys and come back a lot closer to being the men they can become". I see the man you are deep down inside, don't lie to yourself anymore you are amazing. Thats why I need you to leave. I need to prove myself right. Please. Just go. I know I once said I couldn't imagine what it would be like to not be able to call you all the time, but I get a half hearted text once a month. I'm not going to miss you that much, I don't know how I could miss you more. Your birthday is coming up again. Do you remember what I gave you last year? This year I'm not going to do anything. See if you even notice. You probablly won't. I know what day it is too. Sept 13. happy 20th matt. Go to hell soon. Give me a call when you get there.


BTW For all my readers go check out smithmag.net/sixwords I've become obsessed with it. 6 word memoirs or secret or whatever. Just six words to say what you want. It's an odd purifying process. I've actually got a memoir showing up in their new book "I can't keep my own secrets" plus I get a free copy of it. HECK YES! Well I'm gonna go sleep now. Thanks for letting me freak out and such.