Giving away my heart.

People ask me why I always have to be in love. They say it’s dumb and that I am just digging myself a hole to fall in. I know I am, but its the only way to keep me from turning into my father. Once he lost his love, that is when he lost his humanity. So I do have to love. I do have to hold on with my heartstrings to each man that catches my eye. It may be destructive but the alternative is far worse. I am fighting fire with fire here. You tell me to slow down, I’m only 20. Chill out, there is time for marriage later. I know that. I am not looking to get married. I am looking to fill my heart so full of love that all of the hatred and the bitterness, all of the detachment and silent feuds will fade away. That all of that pain that I am holding inside will dissipate. That’s why I have Him. He has always been the one who could make that go away. Not once in our time together have I wanted to run away from him or hurt him in anyway. He has been the one who when I couldn’t find a boy in my life to keep my heart full I could turn back to. Just as he is using me I am using him. Some people say “Playing with matches a girl can get burned” well a burn on the finger is better than the forest fire that destroyed my childhood. I will fight for my heart. I will fight for my right to give it away. As long as it’s not in my possession I can’t destroy it. I am now beginning to understand the dilemma of the werewolf. Loathing oneself to protect the ones you love. I hope I can always find a home for my heart, because it does no one any good when it’s inside my chest. So don’t judge me for throwing these words around. Don’t criticize me for wanting him so bad. Don’t say that I am throwing myself at these men because I have no self esteem. I do have self esteem. But I also care about the people around me. That’s why I give away my heart. That’s why I throw myself in this drowning pool. That is why I can NEVER let him go.