I want to see the world in a different way.

It's been awhile since I last wrote on here. But here goes.
I want to see the world in a different way. I come from a mechanical engineer family. Always had one of those brains that didn't waste time on the superflous. I understood how things worked and by hell they were going to work that way. But then I fell in love. Fell in love with words. The way they flow. The way they don't have a linear path. The way they wander and its just the wandering that is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
And all of a sudden a world that made perfect sense didn't have to make perfect sense. Like finding out for the first time that your shoes don't need to match your outfit. It was like I'd discovered a new world. And I became so enamored, so entrusted my soul to that.
But my brain doesn't work that way. I've got a scaffolders mind. I want to be the scatterbrained artistic one but lets be honest, my brain doesn't work like that. I've got the wiring brain. The brain that follows lead after lead until I get to the destination. But I don't want to be that way anymore.
I want to stand outside in the rain with my hands wide open, eyes leaping from water drop to water drop, never focusing on just one.
I want to have a brain that is scattered.
I know some people would wish to have the logic thats trapped inside my noggin.
But honestly.
I just want to be the artist.

I got home 5 minutes ago....and I miss my real home.

On Missing Emily

I miss Emily. At first when we moved in together I thought she would drive me crazy. We both are rather opinionated people and she has a way of pushing my buttons. I thought this was a disaster in the making, but I couldn’t spend one more second in that room with Barbara. I can’t tell you Emily and I never fought. We fought a bit, okay more than a bit. We had different views on basically everything, but we never got really mad at each other. We always talked it over. I am not into confrontation, but Emily would just make us sort it out. And she would pester and pester until I told her what was wrong. I miss that about her. I miss that she loved to cook. And not crappy cook like our roommates did, but actually passionately care about her food. I miss that she would turn on Garrett Sherwood music and we would dance around the kitchen and she would tell me EVERY time how his voice was just pure sex(she’s going to kill me for posting this). I miss the way we’d sit on the couch or our beds, late at night, and we’d just talk for hours. We’d talk about family, psychology, spirituality, politics, boys, everything and anything. We’d come up with crazy analogies and write them on our door. She knew when I was in a god mood or a bad mood or what she liked to call my witty mood. She’d tell me the stories she knew I didn’t really care about and I’d pretend to care. I’d tell her the stories she didn’t care about and she’d zone out. She’d always be making something. Emily was always a mess, but she was a lovely mess. I miss her. I miss talking to her about my problems. She was one of the few people to call me out on things and I would listen to her. I hope when she comes home from her mission she’ll find this buried in our blog. And she’ll see how much I did miss her even though I rarely wrote letters. She wasn’t a writer of letters either. I don’t feel too bad. She inspired me to be a better writer, a better person and a better friend. I am excited to see her in a few years. Miss you Emily!

A New Blog

So I started writing a new blog. It's just poetry. I have a goal to write 500 poems in the next year and so I will be posting a poem and a half on this blog every single day. You can see it at

1-5ozofheart.tumblr.com

Hope to see you there.

I hope you know.

I want to move miles and miles and miles away from here. Away from you and memories that jump from around every corner. I want to be able to take a walk without something reminding me of you and the way we were once. I know you will taint some things forever. You will taint my favorite pair of flip flops, jean shorts and white v-necks because that is all I wore that summer. You tainted Virgin Margaritas made with my favorite Jose Cuervo mix. You tainted movies and quotes and people for me. But I won't let that ruin me. I'm beyond the pain. I am beyond the tears and the heartache. I am beyond that but I'm still haunted by you. I can't wait to start a new journal because your name will never taint those pages. I can't wait until I wear through another pair of jeans so I can make new jean shorts. And just last week I bought a new package of white v-necks because I wanted to. You may have tainted a few things for the time being, but trust me you didn't ruin my life like you wanted to. In a few more weeks I'll be out of here. I will be away from you, your family, and all of the people who don't realize what happened. People who say I never see you anymore. People who say hey I know you through her. People who don't recognize me, but I recognize them because you dragged me to their house. Yes just a few short weeks and I will be away from that. But you won't. You'll never leave this place. You will never get beyond this small town with your small mind and your small heart. You will not escape what you did, not because I won't forgive you but because you know what you did was wrong. People shouldn't treat people like that and I hope that haunts you for the rest of your life. I hope you see it and you realize what you did wrong and you promise yourself you'll never do it again. Because I am fine. I am beyond this. I am reverting to the old happy wonderful me and I don't need to live in your shadow anymore. I just want you to know that I am moving on and I don't need you anymore. Thats what I need you to know.

Let's get our Family on!

My best friend my protector from the day i left the womb.

We not only shared a heart but we also shared a room.

And with our tiny bodies lying in our queen sized bed we'd flap the wool blanket grandma left.

The sparks that flew between us were huge and island sized.

They disappeared and reappeared in front of our very eyes.

And with each beat of my heart i knew that yours beat too

because we were sisters, the kind the world never knew.

You became my mother at the age of 8 but were my father long before that.

You taught me everything a child should know and the adult reasoning behind it.

You showed me what to fear out in the dark.

You showed me what to fear out in the world

You showed me the ins and outs of the playground, the playhouse and the social circles of highschool

You made my lunches while mom was at work.

You showed me how to sort my clothes from light to dark

And this whole time you were still my constant companion, my best friend, and my sister.

With your wild grin you’d drag me into the wildest places.

In our firmly grasped hands I could see a world that didn’t exist.

I could see the dinosaurs grazing in the grass lands of our front yard.

I could see the train you'd built in grandpa's basement.

I could see the witch in the top window of the barn that was charred.

I could even see the jungle we treked through as secret agents.

We had the matching outfits and the matching voices too

even now our mother looking back can't tell who is who.

But it all came crashing down.

The house of cards we hastily built the perfect home we shared.

With rubber ducks and shooting stars our world went up in smoke.

Even now i don't know how it started

even now i don't know how i could've stopped it

but all i know is that i still loved you then.

I loved beside the bruises.

I loved you beside the cuts.

I loved you beside the names and slurs and i loved you just because.

Because family is built on trust.

And i knew no one was there.

I knew you meant love when you'd pull my hair.

So society may say i'm screwed up. And honestly that may be true.

But the only thing thats ever mattered was being there for you.

So now you have it under control

we all now know how to duck and roll

but i hope you know beside it all you have my heart most of all.

Out of every person in the family you have the biggest part.

You don't even realize

You simply are my heart.

The wails the cries

the black and bruised eyes

were nothing but physical because watching you feel lost alone was the worst torture of it all.

You don't see the pride in my eyes you don't see the tears but i love you most of all my dearest big sister.

I wrote this just 2 days before. Lovely ain't it?

Just decide. Are you or aren't you going to be friends this semester? I just need to know now. I'm sick of your flip flopping. Save the "you love me you'll never leave me because so many people left you speech". You know I'm about as secure as a shattering glass. You knowIi'm messed up to my core. And if you don't, you really have no idea who I am. And I do want to be your friend. I do. Its just that when someone hurts me I cut off the affected part and face it with anger. You know that. You've seen it. You need to realize how much i need you. How little you acknowledge me and how poorly you treat me. Sure I get it. You've got a job to fulfill. That doesn't make it okay to leave me hanging on. Tell me I'll see you once a week. I can handle that and I'll find something to tide me over. Tell me you just don't have time. Okay I'll make it on my own. I can and I have. I just am sick of this dangling thing you do. Its complete bullshit. You're turning into Him who treated people like the shit he thought they were. I know he like you and so he treated you kindly, but you don't realize the wake o broken people he left behind. I don't care if thats who you're becoming just have the courage to say it to my face. You just don't want to be friends anymore. Got it. I'll be fine. I swear I will. I don't let people hurt me anymore. All you see is the sot playful Amanda. I've got a heart surrounded by steel. I'm just done with this bullshit. You told me I'd never lose you just a few weeks ago....And now I'm losing you. Guess I was right all along. Never should've trusted you. Never should've listened to you as you lied. Never should've even cared at all.