I'm tempted.

I'm tempted to do a lot of things right now. To burn this sucker down. I figure you've smashed it I might as well destroy the rest of it. But out of kindness, out of courtesy, I won't. Instead I'll take a deep breath, leave you alone and head in a new direction. I was getting tired of that version of me anyways. I'm going to be something big. Something better. Something new. Look out world.

What do you expect me to do?

You have been the one steady person in my life for the last 5 years. How could I not fall in love with you? How could you expect me to not be won over by your charm? Your concern? Your infectious laughter? Your heart? How could I not love you?!? You have been the one boy in my life, including my father and brother, who ever gave a shit how I was feeling! You were the first real person in my life who cared at all how I was feeling! I had been broken the year before, irrevocably broken. You came in. You scooped me up in your arms and held me till I stopped shaking. Till I believed in love and life again. How could you expect me not to love you?!? You were there whenever I needed you. Whenever I laid on the floor sobbing you were the one I could call. You never hung up on me when I wailed. You never told me I was being crazy when I really felt broken. You were there. Thats all you had to do to be in my heart forever. And you are because you were. How do you expect me to get over the one man who has ever been there? How do you expect me to not die for you every day you’re away? Matt you were my best friend. You were my heart when I literally had none. You were the impossible friendship that bloomed out of nowhere! You were the event that appeared like a miracle when I needed it most. How could I say no to you? But you’re gone now. You’ve gone for 2 years and we’re only 10 months into it. I don’t know how I’m going to make it the remaining 14. I am already counting down the days to see you again and you tell me I’ll find a man who loves me the way I deserve. Is it wrong if I don’t want that? Is it wrong if I would settle for you settling for me? You are the one I absolutely want. 3 years ago I decided I would never give up. I tried to push you away. I thought it worked. I was so wrong. I saw you just once and melted straight away. Remember when my mom was sick and I called you sobbing? I just remember kneeling in the shower and sobbing because I loved you so much and because I needed my mother. Remember when Parker died? I called you and cried. You comforted me and reminded me that we were all going to be alright. Remember when Dustin killed himself? All I could do was email you, but you were the only person I talked about the pain with. Everyone else I had to comfort. I had to be strong for everyone else. I don’t think you realize how much I trust you by letting you see me at my weakest. You are the one I want. I don’t care how long it takes. I pray to God every night that you will somehow see it. That you will hear my prayers and feel my heart silently beating for you. I pray that maybe when you come back your views will change and you might just love me. I pray that if this never turns out right that God will remove you from my heart. But you won’t be home for another 14 months. You won’t see me for another 18 months. I won’t hug you for another 14 months. This breaks my heart every night. I can still feel your arms around me as we stood shivering in the cold. You whispered to me how much you loved me. I will love you forever, I’m afraid. Good night little sir. When you come home I will be a full form adult with a degree and a career. For you I’d give it all up. For you I’d be homeless. For you I’d be anything. I miss you.

Forgot to wear my mask today.

Got up early and forgot to put on my mask. Forgot to hide it all deep down. I'm sorry but I just ran out of time to swallow all the fear and the pain that creeps up in the night. I did my best. I tried to crawl out from under it this morning. There was a sharp pain and I got a slap across the heart.
It's always a prettier day when I put my mask on, my rose colored glasses. I forgot them today, didn't have time for them today.
I tried to see the world in a happy light. I smiled. I said hello. I made small talk. I still feel hollow inside.
I still feel like falling asleep in the snow. I still feel like clocking out early, quitting. I still just want this day to end.

I'm going to be the coolest friend you ever had.

I decided last night that I am going to be the greatest person with a real job that you know! I decided when I have money and a car I'm going to be a spectacular friend. One day I'm going to drive up to Rexburg and tell Merilee to get in the car. I'll go pick up Steven and Martin and then we'll head west. When they ask where we're going I'll tell them we're going to California for the weekend. These are the things that float around my head constantly, but I have neither money or a car. That would be an amazing adventure. Someday.

Stranger than Fiction

There are some stories that speak to the instance of human life. They speak of worlds that dwell inside each of us. Three are some stories that do not delve into the psyche at all. They resoundly dwell outside of the mind, outside of the heart, outside of the soul. They are the meaningless plants that surround the house. Sure they required work and devotion by a person, but that person did not bring the audience to their knees. There are books that so speak to the core of humanity that they cause all the world to change. They cause what was once so solid, so sound, to rattle around inside of you. You feel at once so empty and yet so completely filled by this idea. You feel so encompassed and alone.

I guess that is why love is so easy for me. I have felt it over and over and over again. It comes to me as words on a page, a world in my mind, a book in my hand and love in my heart. There is no way to completely describe the way the written word has affected my life. I do know that love, romantic love, drives me to write. When I fall so deeply in love that the world spins on golden axis I find myself constantly with pen and paper. I find little quips coming to mind, story ideas flooding from the oddest places and literature in what I never thought I would consider. Love pulls me into the world of what ifs and maybes. Outside of love I am a very sensible person, but just as a good book pulls you into a new world, so does a deep love. A solid love. A love that fills you up so completely that you forget to eat. A love that makes your scars ache for that person. A love that tells you that someday, not today, but someday that person will realize they will see it all. It’s not a hope you have, but a fact that Love is telling you. There is no doubt in my mind that someday he’ll realize what we could’ve been. But today may not be that day. Tomorrow may not be that day. Maybe years from now when his wife picks up my book from Barnes and Nobles he’ll realize what he missed out on. Maybe when the class ends and he walks away from this school forever he’ll think ‘man I wish I had gotten to know her, she seemed so cool’. But even if he doesn’t recognize it then, someday he will see it.

Just as someday the best literature comes and finds you and says “Hey! Remember me? you’re going to love me from now on” well just like that he’ll remember me, and he’ll love me forever. So here is to hope and love! Let’s pour one out for fallen comrades and our dearly departed ancestors. I always wanted to go to the beach with a bunch of English majors and root beer in glass bottles. Then we could say things like that and the other people wouldn’t think we were weird. Salude.

Perfect Houses

I’m sick of perfect houses. I’m sick of exteriors that look prestine and tranquil. I’m sick of hiding my emotions. I walk down this quaint family street and see so many silent happy houses. How may bruises were created behind that closed door? How many broken hearts were born there? Our whole lives we’ve been told

Shove it down your throat.

Swallow it.

Accept that no one is going to want to hear about your sob story and go on with it. Really? Am I never going to be understood? Every morning am I going to have to put on a mask? Is this the rest of my life?
This is bull that’s what it is.

Everyone is hiding something. Everyone has got something deep down in their stomach that they fear other people will find out. They’re scared that when they’re friends find out they’ll pull away. They say that the honest are alone. But why!?!

Why the heck do we act like this?!?

All of us are experiencing it on some level or another! Why can’t we share it?

I see these movies where the characters admit the truth and after a bit they accept it and everything is hunky dory. I know life isn’t going to be like that. Life is messy and life is broken and shattered. People mess stuff up and they love and they hate and everything gets jumbled up, but how many times have you wished you could just express your truest emotions to someone?!?

I guess that’s why I don’t belong. Because about 95% of the time what you see on the surface is whats happening underneath. Sure I hide somethings, but I’ll tell you them to your face. What I’m really hiding is the pain. The anger. The scared little girl that is still inside. I can tell you my life story without crying now, but that’s only after years of training. I was taught emotions make you weak. When they see you cry they can hurt you. I think we were all told that. We all hate to cry in front of someone.

I’ll tell you about the abuse. I’ll tell you about the pain. I’ll tell you about falling asleep to the screams. I’ll tell you about my sister, my protector, leaving me behind. I’ll tell you all those things without a tear.

But they hurt.

That’s what I’m afraid to say. I’m afraid to say that I feel. I’m afraid that if I admit that I feel people will turn away. I’m the happy go lucky fat girl. I make people laugh. Underneath it all? Underneath it all I’m just as broken as you are.

But it’s true about happiness too. We shun those who seem overly happy. Those who are genuinely excited about life. Sometimes I just get so happy I can’t contain it. I just have to move to jump to sing. People say I’m weird, quirky, cooky, nuts etc etc. Why is that so wrong?

And I’m surrounded by these girls who hide their feelings. I tell them I want to tell our guy friend off and they say it’s mean or rude or will scare him away. Why do I care? He treats us like crap! Why should I care how he feels if he doesn’t care how I feel? It doesn’t make sense. If we really are friends he should be able to work with it, to understand and move on.

But instead we play these games. We pretend we like them, and sometimes we do, but then when they’re gone we get this knot in our stomach that begs the question why are we still friends with him?

Why can’t I cry in front of you? Why can’t I express my real feelings and keep my friends? I’m sick of all these perfect houses with their doors shut to me. I try and present myself as I truly am on the inside. I try and show you the cracks, the breaks, the sags. But I can not show you how I feel. You wouldn’t love me if I did.

I honestly don't know why we hate on each other

Everyone is having problems. You hate someone because they do something that you think is dumb or because they support something you don’t support. Guess what! We’re all human! We’re all going to believe different things! You want to know something that very few people here know about me?

I’m Mormon, I love my religion, and I support gay rights!

About 90% of people would hate me because of one of the above! But guess what?!? I love myself. I am a walking enigma, things don’t make sense, but guess what! Nothing is supposed to make sense! Things are jumbled up and disorderly because nothing is perfect. So hate on my religion, go for it! I’ll ignore you because my faith is strong enought that I don’t care what you say. But guess what! I also care enough about other people to not feel like I need to pressure them! Some of my best friends are atheists. How do I exist?!? Because I love people. That is what comes first in my book. People. I don’t like to be hurt, why should you? Why should I hurt you? who gives me the right to make you feel guilty because of something you believe in? I don’t have that right, no one does. So I’m not going to hate on anyone. I may ask you questions on why you feel a certain way, but in no way are they meant to be mean or rude. I may hate some things that you love, but I do not feel the need to convert you to my side. You are entitled to your opinion as you are to yours. I do not write about things that bug me because i want to convert people to my point of view. I do it because I need to express it to myself. If you don’t like what I write you are beyond welcome to unfollow me. I am purely myself and I love that!

So here it is: I’m 21, fat, never been kissed, never been asked on a date, Mormon, support gay rights, friends with atheists baptists methodists etc etc, listen to punk and rock music, emotionally abused my entire life, hopeful, romantic, loving. Thats who I am. and so much more. If you want to get to know me go for it! I welcome anyone and everyone. Lets chat on our various ideas. I don’t accept hate though. Sorry.