Perfect Houses

I’m sick of perfect houses. I’m sick of exteriors that look prestine and tranquil. I’m sick of hiding my emotions. I walk down this quaint family street and see so many silent happy houses. How may bruises were created behind that closed door? How many broken hearts were born there? Our whole lives we’ve been told

Shove it down your throat.

Swallow it.

Accept that no one is going to want to hear about your sob story and go on with it. Really? Am I never going to be understood? Every morning am I going to have to put on a mask? Is this the rest of my life?
This is bull that’s what it is.

Everyone is hiding something. Everyone has got something deep down in their stomach that they fear other people will find out. They’re scared that when they’re friends find out they’ll pull away. They say that the honest are alone. But why!?!

Why the heck do we act like this?!?

All of us are experiencing it on some level or another! Why can’t we share it?

I see these movies where the characters admit the truth and after a bit they accept it and everything is hunky dory. I know life isn’t going to be like that. Life is messy and life is broken and shattered. People mess stuff up and they love and they hate and everything gets jumbled up, but how many times have you wished you could just express your truest emotions to someone?!?

I guess that’s why I don’t belong. Because about 95% of the time what you see on the surface is whats happening underneath. Sure I hide somethings, but I’ll tell you them to your face. What I’m really hiding is the pain. The anger. The scared little girl that is still inside. I can tell you my life story without crying now, but that’s only after years of training. I was taught emotions make you weak. When they see you cry they can hurt you. I think we were all told that. We all hate to cry in front of someone.

I’ll tell you about the abuse. I’ll tell you about the pain. I’ll tell you about falling asleep to the screams. I’ll tell you about my sister, my protector, leaving me behind. I’ll tell you all those things without a tear.

But they hurt.

That’s what I’m afraid to say. I’m afraid to say that I feel. I’m afraid that if I admit that I feel people will turn away. I’m the happy go lucky fat girl. I make people laugh. Underneath it all? Underneath it all I’m just as broken as you are.

But it’s true about happiness too. We shun those who seem overly happy. Those who are genuinely excited about life. Sometimes I just get so happy I can’t contain it. I just have to move to jump to sing. People say I’m weird, quirky, cooky, nuts etc etc. Why is that so wrong?

And I’m surrounded by these girls who hide their feelings. I tell them I want to tell our guy friend off and they say it’s mean or rude or will scare him away. Why do I care? He treats us like crap! Why should I care how he feels if he doesn’t care how I feel? It doesn’t make sense. If we really are friends he should be able to work with it, to understand and move on.

But instead we play these games. We pretend we like them, and sometimes we do, but then when they’re gone we get this knot in our stomach that begs the question why are we still friends with him?

Why can’t I cry in front of you? Why can’t I express my real feelings and keep my friends? I’m sick of all these perfect houses with their doors shut to me. I try and present myself as I truly am on the inside. I try and show you the cracks, the breaks, the sags. But I can not show you how I feel. You wouldn’t love me if I did.

I honestly don't know why we hate on each other

Everyone is having problems. You hate someone because they do something that you think is dumb or because they support something you don’t support. Guess what! We’re all human! We’re all going to believe different things! You want to know something that very few people here know about me?

I’m Mormon, I love my religion, and I support gay rights!

About 90% of people would hate me because of one of the above! But guess what?!? I love myself. I am a walking enigma, things don’t make sense, but guess what! Nothing is supposed to make sense! Things are jumbled up and disorderly because nothing is perfect. So hate on my religion, go for it! I’ll ignore you because my faith is strong enought that I don’t care what you say. But guess what! I also care enough about other people to not feel like I need to pressure them! Some of my best friends are atheists. How do I exist?!? Because I love people. That is what comes first in my book. People. I don’t like to be hurt, why should you? Why should I hurt you? who gives me the right to make you feel guilty because of something you believe in? I don’t have that right, no one does. So I’m not going to hate on anyone. I may ask you questions on why you feel a certain way, but in no way are they meant to be mean or rude. I may hate some things that you love, but I do not feel the need to convert you to my side. You are entitled to your opinion as you are to yours. I do not write about things that bug me because i want to convert people to my point of view. I do it because I need to express it to myself. If you don’t like what I write you are beyond welcome to unfollow me. I am purely myself and I love that!

So here it is: I’m 21, fat, never been kissed, never been asked on a date, Mormon, support gay rights, friends with atheists baptists methodists etc etc, listen to punk and rock music, emotionally abused my entire life, hopeful, romantic, loving. Thats who I am. and so much more. If you want to get to know me go for it! I welcome anyone and everyone. Lets chat on our various ideas. I don’t accept hate though. Sorry.

About the suicides of late due to bullying on sexuality.

My heart goes out to their families. To their friends. And most of all to them. I know they’re safe in God’s arms again.

What I just kind of wanted to say though was that all suicides should receive this much attention. People are saying on here that nobody should feel like they did, that they don’t belong or aren’t worthy. But the thing is a lot of people feel like that. Not just those who are bullied because of their homosexuality. It seems like so much attention is focused on the fact that they were gay and that they took their lives because of other peoples influence on them. Well, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t understand why the focus has to be on the fact that they were gay. In July a good friend of mine killed himself. The world didn’t stop. The world kept spinning. No one even said anything at school to me. An email was sent out on the school email telling us and when his funeral would be. That was it. I had to work through that with absolutely no support from the people around me. That day was just another beat in the symphony of life.

I guess what I’m getting at is that the tragedy is that they ended their lives. Those bullies were wrong and then need to be held accountable, but I think every life that ends at their own hands deserves this kind of attention.

I have held the knife to my wrist and I used to burn myself severly to get rid of the pain, but I never went through with it. I can not imagine the pain they were in to do that. Thats why I honor those boys. Not because they were persecuted because of their sexuality, but because there was no one there for them. I wish I could be there for every person who feels like that. Every soul that doesn’t feel like it could go on.

I miss Dustin. If he would’ve said anything I would’ve been there. Thats the worst pain I have felt in such a long time. My roommates that semester didn’t even know. No one did.

Note: I do not at all look down on homosexuality and I am a supporter of gay rights. I do not hate people.

So Christmas is Right around the corner!

Here is the list of things I want.

1. Boots

2. Boat Shoes

3. Mr. Perfect

4. The boy I call Stud.

But cash works too.

Late Night Texting

So really late at night I get really sappy. I used to text people and that just brought trouble so now I write. I felt like these needed to be exposed to the whole world.

#1: Have you ever had a group of friends that you just can't imagine life before them? They came into your life and changed it so dramatically that its unrecognizable? I was lucky to get a group of those this year. Merilee and david were not the friends i was looking for. I always wanted to be friends with the cool trendy indie kids but i was always too intimidated by them. When i met david i thought he was one of them, but the more i get to know him the more i realize he's just david. Merilee was not what i was looking for in a best friend. I've always been the odd girl in church, the girl who doesn"t quite fit. When i found out merilee was from idaho i expected her to be a brat and just clash with me. Looking back on those first few faltering steps with both of them its a miracle we became friends at all, let alone the magnitude we are now. When people look at us they see three friends. No one is a tag along and no one matters more than the others. We're all equals. Sure merilee and i hang out more and have inside jokes without david but it never comes between the three of us. No matter what we say we know the other 2 are there no matter what. When dustin died last semester and i just needed to blow off steam merilee called up david and made sure we hung out in the middle of the week so i could make it through. David challenges me and makes me think and often makes my blood boil, but beneath that antagonist shell is a heart i know i have some claim on. Sometimes i feel like i'm beating against a brick wall but i know he feels and cares. Merilee is the doe of the group. She hates contention and shrinks away from us when we fight. Her gentle sweetness is what keeps me from hitting david sometimes. She is the balance to his heatedness. Between them is where i fit. Fisty, sassy and yet calm and loving. Most people don't see beyond the shell, but merilee and david took the time. They care. They care and i will always care about them.

#2:If you would've told me a year ago i'd find people who make me feel the way you make me feel i'd laugh. I'd tell you those people don"t exist. And if they did they don't exist for me. People don't love me the way i love them. I'm always the attatched one. The one who doesn't understand boundaries. The one who is always tagging along. You changed everything for me. You proved to me i am not alone. You brushed away the cobwebs in my heart and helped me open up again. You were the people who even though i'd fallen to the ground a long time ago were willing to push me back up. You showed me that things could be fixed. I was homeless and you gave me a home. I was starving and you fed me. I was fallen and you caught me. So our time together may be winding down but i know that no matter what storms weather us i will remember you. I will remember the lessons you taught me. I will remember you in my heart.

I don't want to be just

a drop in the Barrel.

Lottery Ticket

So I went and saw Lottery Ticket last night. It was a pretty silly movie, but it got me thinking.
What would I do if I had the money? Any money at all really.

First thing I would do is get my best friend out of the ghetto. My best friend has lived her whole life with disease, poverty and living in the roughest of neighborhoods in Chicago. She has gone into debt trying to help her family and to remain in some standing of health. If I ever make any kind of money that is the first thing I will do. My sister asked if she would stay out, like since thats all she knows she’d revert to it. But I don’t care. I just can’t leave her there. I would help her out once, but if she went back it wouldn’t be my fault and she couldn’t complain.

The next thing I would do beside helping my family would make a scholarship to benefit children of people with Bipolar disorder. My father has battled with it his whole life and it has effected my whole family. Part of bipolar disorder is starting projects and quitting halfway through. Throughout my life my dad has spent all of our money on 3 businesses and then gave up. Also it’s very difficult for them to hold a job. Having frequent emotional outbursts is not conducive to many jobs and so we’ve depended on my mom (a real estate agent) to pay any bills. When it came to college of my siblings and I had to find our own way. I don’t really expect much help, but its difficult to do everything on my own. I looked to find scholarships for this specific purpose because it is the main reason we don’t have the money. There are absolutely none for this specific thing. So that’s what I would do next. There is enough trouble in these families without the pressure of paying for school.

For the rest of my life, or the money, I would spend it traveling and finding people who are talented. I have always loved books and art and movies and music. I have always wanted to excel in these things, but I’ve only been mediocre. I want to start a publishing company where I could publish any of these mediums and give a shot to underprivileged artists. I would only allow 3 books or albums to be published through our company for each artist. That way our money isn’t funneling into an already established artist, but rather giving an opportunity to those just starting out. I would love to spend my life meeting writers and musicians who would give anything for their break. But it wouldn’t be about the stardom. I would avoid those artists and seek out the artists who are seeking to connect people, to make a better world.

I know this is all a romantic delusion. Hoping I could make a difference in the world for the people like me, but I would love to do all of this. I’d also buy myself a modest flat in London and one in LA. Nothing big or fancy, just enough to live and base my business out of. Why is it that the people who don’t do anything useful with their money are the ones who get rich? I would help the hearts of so many individuals.