And trhis is why I love Matt

My Letter
"How do you always know what I need to hear? I am done with school for the semester and I think I'm going to pass all of my classes. I have the joy of staying up all night tonight to white glove my apartment. Oh joy. Anyways, earlier today I was reading through some stuff that I wrote when you first left and I thought I should send it to you. So here it is "I miss you like heck. I miss burying my face in your chest and breathing you in. I miss texting you whenever something made me think of you, or made me laugh. I miss the way your hair was straight but curled around your ears. I miss the way you made me feel when you smiled at me. I miss the way my insides shook with excitment, fear, joy whenever you were around. I miss the way we always discussed your girlfriends even though you knew I secretly hated them. I miss the way you loved my mother and you could make her smile. I loved the way you would sit close to me on the couch and whisper silly comments in my ear. I miss the way you could make me laugh no matter how shitty of a day I had. I miss the way you told me not to complain when I was being a baby. I miss the way your voice changed when you realized I was really in trouble, or scared. I miss the way I could text you in the middle of the night and you didn’t mind. I miss saying good night to you ever night. I miss wanting you here, because even now, when I am in pain, I can’t wish you were here. I can’t betray either of us that way."I'll write more later, but I dunno....I just felt like I needed to send that to you. I miss you Matthew Gaile Ingram.-Amanda Jane Hatton"
And this is what he said back
"amanda. you are a beautiful person. and i had no idea i had such a great impact on your life and i will cherish what you said thats a great i felt like poem, and the part about the girl friends made me laugh."

Advice

Advice for my heart:
Keep trying, give up, just wait and see how it works out or none of the above?
Your thoughts please.

It's been a year

It's been a year since I started this blog, and I'm still here. That is a freaking miracle for me. But also I reached some of my goals. I was reading through my first couple blogs on here and they were all about how I wanted to be a connector, how I wanted to be a creator. In the last year I've written a book, 3 songs and become a part of social board where I put together events to help people get to know each other! I was looking for someone in my life who honestly cared about me and who would pull me out of those funks. Over the last month or so I have found 2 of those and I am grateful to them! I am still alive and I'm still learning major things. I am growing up and I am loving life. I'm not the shut in freaker outer that I used to be. So here is to friends, social board, virgin margaritas, onesies, soccer and summertime!

Happy 4th!

Social Board Pictures from Mystery Dinner

Ok so as you know, if you read below, that we had mystery dinner and my group of friends and I were in charge of it. So these are kind of the behind the scenes shots. During set up we decided Merilee definitly needed to be wrapped to look like a bride, and David, dressed in a suit, showed up at the right time to appear as groom and train bearer.

I call this one RAR Wedding

And this one is Russian Bride, note that hat.

And here is just David looking contemplative.

And the Fabulous trio...

David looking like the master of ALL creeps

More of us. David likes to give the camera sass

I call this grrrrrrrrrrr

And here is the shot that came before grrrr that had NONE of us even looking at the camera or looking relativly attractive.

I was handcuffed to the evidence box the whole time.

After our group pictures David decided he was going to walk through the frame one step at a time.....

Going.....

Going......

GONE!

I need a smile today.

Does anyone have one for me? Anything to make me smile.

Mystery Dinner

Last night was mystery dinner and I had an absolute blast. I loved our group! We were in charge of it and so setting up was super fun and it looked beautiful!

This was our backdrop for photographs, all done by the lovely Merilee

This is what our tables looked like close up. Each one was a little different because we had different centerpieces. Beautiful.

Then we went to dinner at Applebee's. Merilee and I at dinner.

Then Merilee David and I went out to the park to drink Martinelli's. It was basically like this, but with a lot more laughter and a few more cracks of the head on the table.

This picture kind of just sums up the evening. I had so much fun!

I miss home

I miss home. Not the place my parents lived, not even the house I grew up in. I miss feeling like I belong. I miss the friends who got me through high school. I miss the nights I was fine staying at home. I miss all day vacations with my friends to marching band comps. I miss not worrying about cliques. I miss feeling safe. I miss feeling like I belong. I miss feeling loved completely, not just parts of me, not just for the parts I let people see. I miss the people who knew everything that I had been through and loved me all the same. I miss the people who didn't know what I had been through but knew I was broken all the same. I am sick of people treating me like I should bounce back. I can' bounce back. Not from this. Not from you. I can't deal with this stuff right now. I can't deal with the 14 year old drama that you're giving me because I have been dealing with things above your head. I can't deal with you mourning that boy because I handled that on my own 4 months ago and you paid me no mind. I don't really care how sad you are. You blow your nose and get over it. Look at me. I just balled my eyes out and no one cared. I am going to write this blog and then finish the 80 pages I have to read before tomorrow. So I'm sorry you're sad, but life is not going to stop for you. Life isn't stopping for me to mourn missing my home. I still have to get up at 6 tomorrow. I still have to go to school and do my laundry and do homework. It's really not going to get any easier. I know you judge me for all the daydreaming and whatifing I do. I know it. I don't care anymore. If you knew what I have been trying to work through you would realize its either be hopeful and try or kill myself. I'm to strong to go out that way. So stop whispering about me. Stop judging me. Stop it. I'm just done. I am going to talk to the friends I lost in high school. I am going to reminisce about the good old days. I am going to wonder what would've happened if I stayed in that town. All I know is that I don't need you right now. I'm going to dry my tears and get back to homework. Screw this.