Giving away my heart.

People ask me why I always have to be in love. They say it’s dumb and that I am just digging myself a hole to fall in. I know I am, but its the only way to keep me from turning into my father. Once he lost his love, that is when he lost his humanity. So I do have to love. I do have to hold on with my heartstrings to each man that catches my eye. It may be destructive but the alternative is far worse. I am fighting fire with fire here. You tell me to slow down, I’m only 20. Chill out, there is time for marriage later. I know that. I am not looking to get married. I am looking to fill my heart so full of love that all of the hatred and the bitterness, all of the detachment and silent feuds will fade away. That all of that pain that I am holding inside will dissipate. That’s why I have Him. He has always been the one who could make that go away. Not once in our time together have I wanted to run away from him or hurt him in anyway. He has been the one who when I couldn’t find a boy in my life to keep my heart full I could turn back to. Just as he is using me I am using him. Some people say “Playing with matches a girl can get burned” well a burn on the finger is better than the forest fire that destroyed my childhood. I will fight for my heart. I will fight for my right to give it away. As long as it’s not in my possession I can’t destroy it. I am now beginning to understand the dilemma of the werewolf. Loathing oneself to protect the ones you love. I hope I can always find a home for my heart, because it does no one any good when it’s inside my chest. So don’t judge me for throwing these words around. Don’t criticize me for wanting him so bad. Don’t say that I am throwing myself at these men because I have no self esteem. I do have self esteem. But I also care about the people around me. That’s why I give away my heart. That’s why I throw myself in this drowning pool. That is why I can NEVER let him go.

You're turning into John Wayne

So here I am introducing you all to one of my new favorite bands Twin Atlantic. I love their accents, I love their vibe and most of all I love the messages behind the music. Okay so the first time I listened to this song was the day after I finished one of Emerson's essays, but I've always been a strong believer in nonconformity. I like who I am and thats just not going to change! But this song spoke to me on a little deeper level. What am I doing because my country tells me it's what I should be doing? Are all of my actions supported by my own motives? Is everything that is cluttering my life cluttering it for a reason? I have been looking at my life and I think I am confident in my individuality. I think the things I am doing are because of my own belief in them. I think this song could be directed at all Americans or all humanity. Are you being yourself? Are you...you?

I Will Not Be Your Valentine, Nor You Be Mine

I wrote my first poem in over 3 years today. Here it is:

I Will Not Be Your Valentine, Nor You Be Mine

She lifted her head
to see what he'd said
Blinking back from the screen
"Will you be my Valentine?"
Her child's heart leapt for joy
There was nothing that day that could annoy
Today was her perfect day
Two hearts had found each other from far away.
A smile woas on her face the whole day long
The wind howled, the snow fell, but nothing could go wrong
Her mind rested on him the whole while
She decided it best to call
Share a Valentine's Conversation
So without any trepedation
She called, they laughed, she told him of her excitement
Excited she was to have him
His voice grew dim
"We are just friends...."

So it's been awhile since I posted on here, I've been using my tumblr more just because it's easier to use...but I put up a little more personal stuff there because less people I know read it...and it's not forwarded to Facebook. So I won't put the link up, but if you want to try and find it go for it! But now why am I really posting on here when I should be reading my American Lit homework? I don't really know. I feel like I can write more plainly here, my tumblr is more artsy and dreams. Now to the real point why I am here. To write about the dream I had last night. In Superheroes We've been reading Joseph Campbell's "Hero With A Thousand Faces" and it talks a lot about the significance of dreams. Last night I had a weird Nyquil influenced dream. I dreamt I was talking to Dr. Who in this warehouse. There was another man with me and we were trying to stop drug shippers. We were about to stop them when a bad man snuck up behind us and shot the guy in the head. Dr. Who ran into the Tardis and I was about to follow when the villan made me get down on the floor. He told me he liked my spunk so he just shot around me. Somehow I ended up getting shot on the front even though I was laying face down and I had 3 bullet holes. One in my left shoulder and two in my left hip. I went up to Dr. Who after it was all over and he just dropped me off at my house instead of helping me. I asked my room mates for help. My room mate Hailey called 9-1-1 but they told her to wait for them to call her back so that I could go to the hospital then. I was debating wether or not I could afford to go to the hospital because my wounds didn't hurt too bad, but were just annoying. It was time for devotional so we walked over to the Taylor and were waiting around for it to start in the foyer, but then Hailey got a call. Jessica, Elizabeth, Rocky and Alyssa decided to stay at devotional and instead of going sang a weird song about conjugating spanish verbs that involved a dog, a chicken and a sheep. Then Hailey came back and said we could go to the hospital now, but she didn't want to have to scrape her windshield so we were just going to walk. Then I woke up.

According to dreamforth.com "To dream that you are shot indicates that you are not holding a very high opinion of yourself. You may have committed an act that causes you humiliation and disgrace. " also "To see or use a cell phone in your dream implies that you are open-minded and willing to accept other opinions or viewpoints. You are also a very flexible person. " and "To dream of a hospital implies a need to be taken care of, physically and/or mentally. It indicates a need to restore order in your life. " also "To dream about a dog suggests that you have a talent or ability that you've neglected and should rediscover it. Dogs can represent loyalty, security, and faithfulness." and "To see chickens in your dream implies that someone in your life may be displaying weak or spineless behaviour. " and lastly "To see sheep in your dream suggests that you are afraid to embark on innovative endeavors and experience new adventures."

So apparently this dream had a lot of meaning. I need to buck up and do this thing I've been thinking about lately even though I'm scared. I am a good person who is flexible and loyal, and I need to increase my opinion of myself by doing this thing. Don't really know how Dr. Who was involved but thats it!
Happy Friday everyone!

A new year. A new life. A new me.

Hello Everyone!
A lot of people have been writing blogs about their plans for the coming year, their resolutions. I was lying in bed thinking last night and I tried to think of what I want to do this year, how I want to change myself. This year I want to live in the present. All of you who know me know that I am often saying someday and in a few years and blah blah blah. This year I am going to live in the present. 2010 is going to be my year. I am going to change MYSELF this year and then all those what ifs and maybes can come true in 2011. So this year is going to be different because I won't be waiting for anything. I am who I am, you are who you are, it is what it is. Simple as that. As part of this I am abandoning my Lifetime story. Mostly cause it was just kind of nagging at my brain and because I've got a life to focus on now. So hopefully you will hear from me how wonderful this year IS.
Hasta Luego 2009.
Hola 2010.
You're gonna be my slave.

I WROTE A BOOK!

Hey everybody!
I wrote a book, thats right 209 pages of allllll me. If you are interested in buying it you can check it out by going to lulu.com and searching for "Things Will Get Better". Thats it! MY BOOK! I kept it under wraps the whole time because I gave it to my bestie Melissa as a Christmas present. She had NO IDEA what was coming. So yeah, give it a read, let me know what you think. Maybe someday this blog will be famous cause I'm an amazingly talented and world acclaimed author.
I leave for Idaho tomorrow. Goodbye warmth.

Amanda's Lifetime Movie Part II

If you are confused read "Amanda's Lifetime Movie Part I"

"I am looking for brown pipecleaner. My little brother has to make a reindeer for school and yeah" he said looking down at his hands that were in little fingerless gloves.

"No worries! Follow me!" Amanda could've easily told him that it was all the way down aisle 6, but she still didn't want to go back up front and she wanted to spend more time with him! Who could blame her.

"Okay so which of these look like antlers" Marcus said picking up a package of light brown and a package of dark brown and holding them up to his head like real antlers.

"hahahahah! I would say the dark brown."

"Alright cool! Thanks!" Marcus said putting back the light ones. "Hey I know this is kind of weird, but I just moved into town and I think if I have to spend another night alone with my family I might go crazy. Any chance we could hang out somtime?"

"Yeah for sure! Do you want my number?"

"Yeah!"

As Amanda told him her number she kind of had to pinch herself to realize it was happening. For once in her life things were going her way! She wasn't wishing and pining for someone and was actually going to have plans to hang out with a cute boy.

"Okay, I'll give your phone a call so you can save my number and call me some night you don't have work."

"Well my friend Melissa and I are going to hang out on Friday night if you want to come. We'll probably just wander around, maybe see a movie, catch up on stories and stuff."

"Yeah, no worries. As long as I get out of the house!" he said as they walked up to the register.

Amanda ignored the line that Allyson had backed up at the cash register and led Marcus straight over to the other side. "So where did you move from?"

"We moved from Utah, I know, Mormons."

Amanda quietly chuckled to herself.

"What?" Marcus said raising an eyebrow that almost made Amanda bite her lip.

"I'm Mormon..."

"Hahahah AWESOME! Me too!" Marcus said high fiving Amanda.

"So you graduated high school? or what?"

"Yeah, I'm heading off to BYU-Idaho in January, I don't know if I am very excited about it."

"Dude! This is perfect! I am too!"

"We really need to hang out, that way I'll have friends!"

"Hahahah, somebody like you must have no problem making friends."

"Suprising or not, I'm usually not this good at making friends with people...."

"hahahahah well I've got to go back to work, but I'll call you after work okay?"

"Alright, thanks I'll see you!"