I want to see the world in a different way.

It's been awhile since I last wrote on here. But here goes.
I want to see the world in a different way. I come from a mechanical engineer family. Always had one of those brains that didn't waste time on the superflous. I understood how things worked and by hell they were going to work that way. But then I fell in love. Fell in love with words. The way they flow. The way they don't have a linear path. The way they wander and its just the wandering that is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
And all of a sudden a world that made perfect sense didn't have to make perfect sense. Like finding out for the first time that your shoes don't need to match your outfit. It was like I'd discovered a new world. And I became so enamored, so entrusted my soul to that.
But my brain doesn't work that way. I've got a scaffolders mind. I want to be the scatterbrained artistic one but lets be honest, my brain doesn't work like that. I've got the wiring brain. The brain that follows lead after lead until I get to the destination. But I don't want to be that way anymore.
I want to stand outside in the rain with my hands wide open, eyes leaping from water drop to water drop, never focusing on just one.
I want to have a brain that is scattered.
I know some people would wish to have the logic thats trapped inside my noggin.
But honestly.
I just want to be the artist.

I got home 5 minutes ago....and I miss my real home.

On Missing Emily

I miss Emily. At first when we moved in together I thought she would drive me crazy. We both are rather opinionated people and she has a way of pushing my buttons. I thought this was a disaster in the making, but I couldn’t spend one more second in that room with Barbara. I can’t tell you Emily and I never fought. We fought a bit, okay more than a bit. We had different views on basically everything, but we never got really mad at each other. We always talked it over. I am not into confrontation, but Emily would just make us sort it out. And she would pester and pester until I told her what was wrong. I miss that about her. I miss that she loved to cook. And not crappy cook like our roommates did, but actually passionately care about her food. I miss that she would turn on Garrett Sherwood music and we would dance around the kitchen and she would tell me EVERY time how his voice was just pure sex(she’s going to kill me for posting this). I miss the way we’d sit on the couch or our beds, late at night, and we’d just talk for hours. We’d talk about family, psychology, spirituality, politics, boys, everything and anything. We’d come up with crazy analogies and write them on our door. She knew when I was in a god mood or a bad mood or what she liked to call my witty mood. She’d tell me the stories she knew I didn’t really care about and I’d pretend to care. I’d tell her the stories she didn’t care about and she’d zone out. She’d always be making something. Emily was always a mess, but she was a lovely mess. I miss her. I miss talking to her about my problems. She was one of the few people to call me out on things and I would listen to her. I hope when she comes home from her mission she’ll find this buried in our blog. And she’ll see how much I did miss her even though I rarely wrote letters. She wasn’t a writer of letters either. I don’t feel too bad. She inspired me to be a better writer, a better person and a better friend. I am excited to see her in a few years. Miss you Emily!

A New Blog

So I started writing a new blog. It's just poetry. I have a goal to write 500 poems in the next year and so I will be posting a poem and a half on this blog every single day. You can see it at

1-5ozofheart.tumblr.com

Hope to see you there.

I hope you know.

I want to move miles and miles and miles away from here. Away from you and memories that jump from around every corner. I want to be able to take a walk without something reminding me of you and the way we were once. I know you will taint some things forever. You will taint my favorite pair of flip flops, jean shorts and white v-necks because that is all I wore that summer. You tainted Virgin Margaritas made with my favorite Jose Cuervo mix. You tainted movies and quotes and people for me. But I won't let that ruin me. I'm beyond the pain. I am beyond the tears and the heartache. I am beyond that but I'm still haunted by you. I can't wait to start a new journal because your name will never taint those pages. I can't wait until I wear through another pair of jeans so I can make new jean shorts. And just last week I bought a new package of white v-necks because I wanted to. You may have tainted a few things for the time being, but trust me you didn't ruin my life like you wanted to. In a few more weeks I'll be out of here. I will be away from you, your family, and all of the people who don't realize what happened. People who say I never see you anymore. People who say hey I know you through her. People who don't recognize me, but I recognize them because you dragged me to their house. Yes just a few short weeks and I will be away from that. But you won't. You'll never leave this place. You will never get beyond this small town with your small mind and your small heart. You will not escape what you did, not because I won't forgive you but because you know what you did was wrong. People shouldn't treat people like that and I hope that haunts you for the rest of your life. I hope you see it and you realize what you did wrong and you promise yourself you'll never do it again. Because I am fine. I am beyond this. I am reverting to the old happy wonderful me and I don't need to live in your shadow anymore. I just want you to know that I am moving on and I don't need you anymore. Thats what I need you to know.

Let's get our Family on!

My best friend my protector from the day i left the womb.

We not only shared a heart but we also shared a room.

And with our tiny bodies lying in our queen sized bed we'd flap the wool blanket grandma left.

The sparks that flew between us were huge and island sized.

They disappeared and reappeared in front of our very eyes.

And with each beat of my heart i knew that yours beat too

because we were sisters, the kind the world never knew.

You became my mother at the age of 8 but were my father long before that.

You taught me everything a child should know and the adult reasoning behind it.

You showed me what to fear out in the dark.

You showed me what to fear out in the world

You showed me the ins and outs of the playground, the playhouse and the social circles of highschool

You made my lunches while mom was at work.

You showed me how to sort my clothes from light to dark

And this whole time you were still my constant companion, my best friend, and my sister.

With your wild grin you’d drag me into the wildest places.

In our firmly grasped hands I could see a world that didn’t exist.

I could see the dinosaurs grazing in the grass lands of our front yard.

I could see the train you'd built in grandpa's basement.

I could see the witch in the top window of the barn that was charred.

I could even see the jungle we treked through as secret agents.

We had the matching outfits and the matching voices too

even now our mother looking back can't tell who is who.

But it all came crashing down.

The house of cards we hastily built the perfect home we shared.

With rubber ducks and shooting stars our world went up in smoke.

Even now i don't know how it started

even now i don't know how i could've stopped it

but all i know is that i still loved you then.

I loved beside the bruises.

I loved you beside the cuts.

I loved you beside the names and slurs and i loved you just because.

Because family is built on trust.

And i knew no one was there.

I knew you meant love when you'd pull my hair.

So society may say i'm screwed up. And honestly that may be true.

But the only thing thats ever mattered was being there for you.

So now you have it under control

we all now know how to duck and roll

but i hope you know beside it all you have my heart most of all.

Out of every person in the family you have the biggest part.

You don't even realize

You simply are my heart.

The wails the cries

the black and bruised eyes

were nothing but physical because watching you feel lost alone was the worst torture of it all.

You don't see the pride in my eyes you don't see the tears but i love you most of all my dearest big sister.

I wrote this just 2 days before. Lovely ain't it?

Just decide. Are you or aren't you going to be friends this semester? I just need to know now. I'm sick of your flip flopping. Save the "you love me you'll never leave me because so many people left you speech". You know I'm about as secure as a shattering glass. You knowIi'm messed up to my core. And if you don't, you really have no idea who I am. And I do want to be your friend. I do. Its just that when someone hurts me I cut off the affected part and face it with anger. You know that. You've seen it. You need to realize how much i need you. How little you acknowledge me and how poorly you treat me. Sure I get it. You've got a job to fulfill. That doesn't make it okay to leave me hanging on. Tell me I'll see you once a week. I can handle that and I'll find something to tide me over. Tell me you just don't have time. Okay I'll make it on my own. I can and I have. I just am sick of this dangling thing you do. Its complete bullshit. You're turning into Him who treated people like the shit he thought they were. I know he like you and so he treated you kindly, but you don't realize the wake o broken people he left behind. I don't care if thats who you're becoming just have the courage to say it to my face. You just don't want to be friends anymore. Got it. I'll be fine. I swear I will. I don't let people hurt me anymore. All you see is the sot playful Amanda. I've got a heart surrounded by steel. I'm just done with this bullshit. You told me I'd never lose you just a few weeks ago....And now I'm losing you. Guess I was right all along. Never should've trusted you. Never should've listened to you as you lied. Never should've even cared at all.

I hate how you permeated my life. How almost every picture of me from the last year you are in. How I talked to 2 people who I only know through you. How every single time I log onto facebook there is some reminder of you on there. I want to unfriend you soooo bad but what message does that send? I'm doing my best not to think awful thoughts about you. You have no idea how bad I wanted to curse you out. I don't say anything bad about you to anyone. Look at me. Guess I grew up. I just want to walk up to you say something along the lines of "I don't miss you for a second!" and then z-snap and walk away. I don't miss you now, but I can't say it doesn't hurt. I am better off without you, but the stomping of your b-word stiletto heels into my heart did smart quite a bit. So we're approaching our 1 week mark and I rediscovered some great friends. Wonder what you've been up to......probably nothing fun. PEACE

I keep hoping I'll wake up and this was all a dream.

Every single text I hope is you saying you're just kidding. I hope every single facebook message is you.

But they're not. It's not. You're absolutely gone. You can't even face me right now. You're a coward because you know you lied to me. You miss the people I told you you were replacing me with, that you denied. You said no one could ever replace me. Well I guess you were wrong.

My heart is in so much pain. I let down my wall and this is what you pull. You have absolutely no idea how hard it is for me to trust people and I trusted you.

I feel like a fool! My whole family knows what you meant to me. They know what it meant for me to be honest with you. They thought we were coming to visit in February. I had to tell them today that you had decided to move on. I had to tell them that the one person in the whole world I had trusted was now too cool for me.

I hope you see me one of these days. I hope you see me and think man she is cool. When you gather the courage to ask me to hang out someday I don't know how I'll respond. I hope I'll do the good thing. That I'll say yes and we'll go out, smile politely and have fun. But I don't know. I sway from being so pissed off I can't breath to sobbing. And when people are around my heart is empty and I am numb. I hope you're happy. Thats all I want for you. I hope you're happy. Even when I want to scream and punch a wall I hope you're happy.

Someday I'll be happy too.

I'm tempted.

I'm tempted to do a lot of things right now. To burn this sucker down. I figure you've smashed it I might as well destroy the rest of it. But out of kindness, out of courtesy, I won't. Instead I'll take a deep breath, leave you alone and head in a new direction. I was getting tired of that version of me anyways. I'm going to be something big. Something better. Something new. Look out world.

What do you expect me to do?

You have been the one steady person in my life for the last 5 years. How could I not fall in love with you? How could you expect me to not be won over by your charm? Your concern? Your infectious laughter? Your heart? How could I not love you?!? You have been the one boy in my life, including my father and brother, who ever gave a shit how I was feeling! You were the first real person in my life who cared at all how I was feeling! I had been broken the year before, irrevocably broken. You came in. You scooped me up in your arms and held me till I stopped shaking. Till I believed in love and life again. How could you expect me not to love you?!? You were there whenever I needed you. Whenever I laid on the floor sobbing you were the one I could call. You never hung up on me when I wailed. You never told me I was being crazy when I really felt broken. You were there. Thats all you had to do to be in my heart forever. And you are because you were. How do you expect me to get over the one man who has ever been there? How do you expect me to not die for you every day you’re away? Matt you were my best friend. You were my heart when I literally had none. You were the impossible friendship that bloomed out of nowhere! You were the event that appeared like a miracle when I needed it most. How could I say no to you? But you’re gone now. You’ve gone for 2 years and we’re only 10 months into it. I don’t know how I’m going to make it the remaining 14. I am already counting down the days to see you again and you tell me I’ll find a man who loves me the way I deserve. Is it wrong if I don’t want that? Is it wrong if I would settle for you settling for me? You are the one I absolutely want. 3 years ago I decided I would never give up. I tried to push you away. I thought it worked. I was so wrong. I saw you just once and melted straight away. Remember when my mom was sick and I called you sobbing? I just remember kneeling in the shower and sobbing because I loved you so much and because I needed my mother. Remember when Parker died? I called you and cried. You comforted me and reminded me that we were all going to be alright. Remember when Dustin killed himself? All I could do was email you, but you were the only person I talked about the pain with. Everyone else I had to comfort. I had to be strong for everyone else. I don’t think you realize how much I trust you by letting you see me at my weakest. You are the one I want. I don’t care how long it takes. I pray to God every night that you will somehow see it. That you will hear my prayers and feel my heart silently beating for you. I pray that maybe when you come back your views will change and you might just love me. I pray that if this never turns out right that God will remove you from my heart. But you won’t be home for another 14 months. You won’t see me for another 18 months. I won’t hug you for another 14 months. This breaks my heart every night. I can still feel your arms around me as we stood shivering in the cold. You whispered to me how much you loved me. I will love you forever, I’m afraid. Good night little sir. When you come home I will be a full form adult with a degree and a career. For you I’d give it all up. For you I’d be homeless. For you I’d be anything. I miss you.

Forgot to wear my mask today.

Got up early and forgot to put on my mask. Forgot to hide it all deep down. I'm sorry but I just ran out of time to swallow all the fear and the pain that creeps up in the night. I did my best. I tried to crawl out from under it this morning. There was a sharp pain and I got a slap across the heart.
It's always a prettier day when I put my mask on, my rose colored glasses. I forgot them today, didn't have time for them today.
I tried to see the world in a happy light. I smiled. I said hello. I made small talk. I still feel hollow inside.
I still feel like falling asleep in the snow. I still feel like clocking out early, quitting. I still just want this day to end.

I'm going to be the coolest friend you ever had.

I decided last night that I am going to be the greatest person with a real job that you know! I decided when I have money and a car I'm going to be a spectacular friend. One day I'm going to drive up to Rexburg and tell Merilee to get in the car. I'll go pick up Steven and Martin and then we'll head west. When they ask where we're going I'll tell them we're going to California for the weekend. These are the things that float around my head constantly, but I have neither money or a car. That would be an amazing adventure. Someday.

Stranger than Fiction

There are some stories that speak to the instance of human life. They speak of worlds that dwell inside each of us. Three are some stories that do not delve into the psyche at all. They resoundly dwell outside of the mind, outside of the heart, outside of the soul. They are the meaningless plants that surround the house. Sure they required work and devotion by a person, but that person did not bring the audience to their knees. There are books that so speak to the core of humanity that they cause all the world to change. They cause what was once so solid, so sound, to rattle around inside of you. You feel at once so empty and yet so completely filled by this idea. You feel so encompassed and alone.

I guess that is why love is so easy for me. I have felt it over and over and over again. It comes to me as words on a page, a world in my mind, a book in my hand and love in my heart. There is no way to completely describe the way the written word has affected my life. I do know that love, romantic love, drives me to write. When I fall so deeply in love that the world spins on golden axis I find myself constantly with pen and paper. I find little quips coming to mind, story ideas flooding from the oddest places and literature in what I never thought I would consider. Love pulls me into the world of what ifs and maybes. Outside of love I am a very sensible person, but just as a good book pulls you into a new world, so does a deep love. A solid love. A love that fills you up so completely that you forget to eat. A love that makes your scars ache for that person. A love that tells you that someday, not today, but someday that person will realize they will see it all. It’s not a hope you have, but a fact that Love is telling you. There is no doubt in my mind that someday he’ll realize what we could’ve been. But today may not be that day. Tomorrow may not be that day. Maybe years from now when his wife picks up my book from Barnes and Nobles he’ll realize what he missed out on. Maybe when the class ends and he walks away from this school forever he’ll think ‘man I wish I had gotten to know her, she seemed so cool’. But even if he doesn’t recognize it then, someday he will see it.

Just as someday the best literature comes and finds you and says “Hey! Remember me? you’re going to love me from now on” well just like that he’ll remember me, and he’ll love me forever. So here is to hope and love! Let’s pour one out for fallen comrades and our dearly departed ancestors. I always wanted to go to the beach with a bunch of English majors and root beer in glass bottles. Then we could say things like that and the other people wouldn’t think we were weird. Salude.

Perfect Houses

I’m sick of perfect houses. I’m sick of exteriors that look prestine and tranquil. I’m sick of hiding my emotions. I walk down this quaint family street and see so many silent happy houses. How may bruises were created behind that closed door? How many broken hearts were born there? Our whole lives we’ve been told

Shove it down your throat.

Swallow it.

Accept that no one is going to want to hear about your sob story and go on with it. Really? Am I never going to be understood? Every morning am I going to have to put on a mask? Is this the rest of my life?
This is bull that’s what it is.

Everyone is hiding something. Everyone has got something deep down in their stomach that they fear other people will find out. They’re scared that when they’re friends find out they’ll pull away. They say that the honest are alone. But why!?!

Why the heck do we act like this?!?

All of us are experiencing it on some level or another! Why can’t we share it?

I see these movies where the characters admit the truth and after a bit they accept it and everything is hunky dory. I know life isn’t going to be like that. Life is messy and life is broken and shattered. People mess stuff up and they love and they hate and everything gets jumbled up, but how many times have you wished you could just express your truest emotions to someone?!?

I guess that’s why I don’t belong. Because about 95% of the time what you see on the surface is whats happening underneath. Sure I hide somethings, but I’ll tell you them to your face. What I’m really hiding is the pain. The anger. The scared little girl that is still inside. I can tell you my life story without crying now, but that’s only after years of training. I was taught emotions make you weak. When they see you cry they can hurt you. I think we were all told that. We all hate to cry in front of someone.

I’ll tell you about the abuse. I’ll tell you about the pain. I’ll tell you about falling asleep to the screams. I’ll tell you about my sister, my protector, leaving me behind. I’ll tell you all those things without a tear.

But they hurt.

That’s what I’m afraid to say. I’m afraid to say that I feel. I’m afraid that if I admit that I feel people will turn away. I’m the happy go lucky fat girl. I make people laugh. Underneath it all? Underneath it all I’m just as broken as you are.

But it’s true about happiness too. We shun those who seem overly happy. Those who are genuinely excited about life. Sometimes I just get so happy I can’t contain it. I just have to move to jump to sing. People say I’m weird, quirky, cooky, nuts etc etc. Why is that so wrong?

And I’m surrounded by these girls who hide their feelings. I tell them I want to tell our guy friend off and they say it’s mean or rude or will scare him away. Why do I care? He treats us like crap! Why should I care how he feels if he doesn’t care how I feel? It doesn’t make sense. If we really are friends he should be able to work with it, to understand and move on.

But instead we play these games. We pretend we like them, and sometimes we do, but then when they’re gone we get this knot in our stomach that begs the question why are we still friends with him?

Why can’t I cry in front of you? Why can’t I express my real feelings and keep my friends? I’m sick of all these perfect houses with their doors shut to me. I try and present myself as I truly am on the inside. I try and show you the cracks, the breaks, the sags. But I can not show you how I feel. You wouldn’t love me if I did.

I honestly don't know why we hate on each other

Everyone is having problems. You hate someone because they do something that you think is dumb or because they support something you don’t support. Guess what! We’re all human! We’re all going to believe different things! You want to know something that very few people here know about me?

I’m Mormon, I love my religion, and I support gay rights!

About 90% of people would hate me because of one of the above! But guess what?!? I love myself. I am a walking enigma, things don’t make sense, but guess what! Nothing is supposed to make sense! Things are jumbled up and disorderly because nothing is perfect. So hate on my religion, go for it! I’ll ignore you because my faith is strong enought that I don’t care what you say. But guess what! I also care enough about other people to not feel like I need to pressure them! Some of my best friends are atheists. How do I exist?!? Because I love people. That is what comes first in my book. People. I don’t like to be hurt, why should you? Why should I hurt you? who gives me the right to make you feel guilty because of something you believe in? I don’t have that right, no one does. So I’m not going to hate on anyone. I may ask you questions on why you feel a certain way, but in no way are they meant to be mean or rude. I may hate some things that you love, but I do not feel the need to convert you to my side. You are entitled to your opinion as you are to yours. I do not write about things that bug me because i want to convert people to my point of view. I do it because I need to express it to myself. If you don’t like what I write you are beyond welcome to unfollow me. I am purely myself and I love that!

So here it is: I’m 21, fat, never been kissed, never been asked on a date, Mormon, support gay rights, friends with atheists baptists methodists etc etc, listen to punk and rock music, emotionally abused my entire life, hopeful, romantic, loving. Thats who I am. and so much more. If you want to get to know me go for it! I welcome anyone and everyone. Lets chat on our various ideas. I don’t accept hate though. Sorry.

About the suicides of late due to bullying on sexuality.

My heart goes out to their families. To their friends. And most of all to them. I know they’re safe in God’s arms again.

What I just kind of wanted to say though was that all suicides should receive this much attention. People are saying on here that nobody should feel like they did, that they don’t belong or aren’t worthy. But the thing is a lot of people feel like that. Not just those who are bullied because of their homosexuality. It seems like so much attention is focused on the fact that they were gay and that they took their lives because of other peoples influence on them. Well, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t understand why the focus has to be on the fact that they were gay. In July a good friend of mine killed himself. The world didn’t stop. The world kept spinning. No one even said anything at school to me. An email was sent out on the school email telling us and when his funeral would be. That was it. I had to work through that with absolutely no support from the people around me. That day was just another beat in the symphony of life.

I guess what I’m getting at is that the tragedy is that they ended their lives. Those bullies were wrong and then need to be held accountable, but I think every life that ends at their own hands deserves this kind of attention.

I have held the knife to my wrist and I used to burn myself severly to get rid of the pain, but I never went through with it. I can not imagine the pain they were in to do that. Thats why I honor those boys. Not because they were persecuted because of their sexuality, but because there was no one there for them. I wish I could be there for every person who feels like that. Every soul that doesn’t feel like it could go on.

I miss Dustin. If he would’ve said anything I would’ve been there. Thats the worst pain I have felt in such a long time. My roommates that semester didn’t even know. No one did.

Note: I do not at all look down on homosexuality and I am a supporter of gay rights. I do not hate people.

So Christmas is Right around the corner!

Here is the list of things I want.

1. Boots

2. Boat Shoes

3. Mr. Perfect

4. The boy I call Stud.

But cash works too.

Late Night Texting

So really late at night I get really sappy. I used to text people and that just brought trouble so now I write. I felt like these needed to be exposed to the whole world.

#1: Have you ever had a group of friends that you just can't imagine life before them? They came into your life and changed it so dramatically that its unrecognizable? I was lucky to get a group of those this year. Merilee and david were not the friends i was looking for. I always wanted to be friends with the cool trendy indie kids but i was always too intimidated by them. When i met david i thought he was one of them, but the more i get to know him the more i realize he's just david. Merilee was not what i was looking for in a best friend. I've always been the odd girl in church, the girl who doesn"t quite fit. When i found out merilee was from idaho i expected her to be a brat and just clash with me. Looking back on those first few faltering steps with both of them its a miracle we became friends at all, let alone the magnitude we are now. When people look at us they see three friends. No one is a tag along and no one matters more than the others. We're all equals. Sure merilee and i hang out more and have inside jokes without david but it never comes between the three of us. No matter what we say we know the other 2 are there no matter what. When dustin died last semester and i just needed to blow off steam merilee called up david and made sure we hung out in the middle of the week so i could make it through. David challenges me and makes me think and often makes my blood boil, but beneath that antagonist shell is a heart i know i have some claim on. Sometimes i feel like i'm beating against a brick wall but i know he feels and cares. Merilee is the doe of the group. She hates contention and shrinks away from us when we fight. Her gentle sweetness is what keeps me from hitting david sometimes. She is the balance to his heatedness. Between them is where i fit. Fisty, sassy and yet calm and loving. Most people don't see beyond the shell, but merilee and david took the time. They care. They care and i will always care about them.

#2:If you would've told me a year ago i'd find people who make me feel the way you make me feel i'd laugh. I'd tell you those people don"t exist. And if they did they don't exist for me. People don't love me the way i love them. I'm always the attatched one. The one who doesn't understand boundaries. The one who is always tagging along. You changed everything for me. You proved to me i am not alone. You brushed away the cobwebs in my heart and helped me open up again. You were the people who even though i'd fallen to the ground a long time ago were willing to push me back up. You showed me that things could be fixed. I was homeless and you gave me a home. I was starving and you fed me. I was fallen and you caught me. So our time together may be winding down but i know that no matter what storms weather us i will remember you. I will remember the lessons you taught me. I will remember you in my heart.

I don't want to be just

a drop in the Barrel.