12/9/10
What do you expect me to do?
You have been the one steady person in my life for the last 5 years. How could I not fall in love with you? How could you expect me to not be won over by your charm? Your concern? Your infectious laughter? Your heart? How could I not love you?!? You have been the one boy in my life, including my father and brother, who ever gave a shit how I was feeling! You were the first real person in my life who cared at all how I was feeling! I had been broken the year before, irrevocably broken. You came in. You scooped me up in your arms and held me till I stopped shaking. Till I believed in love and life again. How could you expect me not to love you?!? You were there whenever I needed you. Whenever I laid on the floor sobbing you were the one I could call. You never hung up on me when I wailed. You never told me I was being crazy when I really felt broken. You were there. Thats all you had to do to be in my heart forever. And you are because you were. How do you expect me to get over the one man who has ever been there? How do you expect me to not die for you every day you’re away? Matt you were my best friend. You were my heart when I literally had none. You were the impossible friendship that bloomed out of nowhere! You were the event that appeared like a miracle when I needed it most. How could I say no to you? But you’re gone now. You’ve gone for 2 years and we’re only 10 months into it. I don’t know how I’m going to make it the remaining 14. I am already counting down the days to see you again and you tell me I’ll find a man who loves me the way I deserve. Is it wrong if I don’t want that? Is it wrong if I would settle for you settling for me? You are the one I absolutely want. 3 years ago I decided I would never give up. I tried to push you away. I thought it worked. I was so wrong. I saw you just once and melted straight away. Remember when my mom was sick and I called you sobbing? I just remember kneeling in the shower and sobbing because I loved you so much and because I needed my mother. Remember when Parker died? I called you and cried. You comforted me and reminded me that we were all going to be alright. Remember when Dustin killed himself? All I could do was email you, but you were the only person I talked about the pain with. Everyone else I had to comfort. I had to be strong for everyone else. I don’t think you realize how much I trust you by letting you see me at my weakest. You are the one I want. I don’t care how long it takes. I pray to God every night that you will somehow see it. That you will hear my prayers and feel my heart silently beating for you. I pray that maybe when you come back your views will change and you might just love me. I pray that if this never turns out right that God will remove you from my heart. But you won’t be home for another 14 months. You won’t see me for another 18 months. I won’t hug you for another 14 months. This breaks my heart every night. I can still feel your arms around me as we stood shivering in the cold. You whispered to me how much you loved me. I will love you forever, I’m afraid. Good night little sir. When you come home I will be a full form adult with a degree and a career. For you I’d give it all up. For you I’d be homeless. For you I’d be anything. I miss you.
11/11/10
Forgot to wear my mask today.
Got up early and forgot to put on my mask. Forgot to hide it all deep down. I'm sorry but I just ran out of time to swallow all the fear and the pain that creeps up in the night. I did my best. I tried to crawl out from under it this morning. There was a sharp pain and I got a slap across the heart.
It's always a prettier day when I put my mask on, my rose colored glasses. I forgot them today, didn't have time for them today.
I tried to see the world in a happy light. I smiled. I said hello. I made small talk. I still feel hollow inside.
I still feel like falling asleep in the snow. I still feel like clocking out early, quitting. I still just want this day to end.
It's always a prettier day when I put my mask on, my rose colored glasses. I forgot them today, didn't have time for them today.
I tried to see the world in a happy light. I smiled. I said hello. I made small talk. I still feel hollow inside.
I still feel like falling asleep in the snow. I still feel like clocking out early, quitting. I still just want this day to end.
11/4/10
I'm going to be the coolest friend you ever had.
I decided last night that I am going to be the greatest person with a real job that you know! I decided when I have money and a car I'm going to be a spectacular friend. One day I'm going to drive up to Rexburg and tell Merilee to get in the car. I'll go pick up Steven and Martin and then we'll head west. When they ask where we're going I'll tell them we're going to California for the weekend. These are the things that float around my head constantly, but I have neither money or a car. That would be an amazing adventure. Someday.
Stranger than Fiction
There are some stories that speak to the instance of human life. They speak of worlds that dwell inside each of us. Three are some stories that do not delve into the psyche at all. They resoundly dwell outside of the mind, outside of the heart, outside of the soul. They are the meaningless plants that surround the house. Sure they required work and devotion by a person, but that person did not bring the audience to their knees. There are books that so speak to the core of humanity that they cause all the world to change. They cause what was once so solid, so sound, to rattle around inside of you. You feel at once so empty and yet so completely filled by this idea. You feel so encompassed and alone.
I guess that is why love is so easy for me. I have felt it over and over and over again. It comes to me as words on a page, a world in my mind, a book in my hand and love in my heart. There is no way to completely describe the way the written word has affected my life. I do know that love, romantic love, drives me to write. When I fall so deeply in love that the world spins on golden axis I find myself constantly with pen and paper. I find little quips coming to mind, story ideas flooding from the oddest places and literature in what I never thought I would consider. Love pulls me into the world of what ifs and maybes. Outside of love I am a very sensible person, but just as a good book pulls you into a new world, so does a deep love. A solid love. A love that fills you up so completely that you forget to eat. A love that makes your scars ache for that person. A love that tells you that someday, not today, but someday that person will realize they will see it all. It’s not a hope you have, but a fact that Love is telling you. There is no doubt in my mind that someday he’ll realize what we could’ve been. But today may not be that day. Tomorrow may not be that day. Maybe years from now when his wife picks up my book from Barnes and Nobles he’ll realize what he missed out on. Maybe when the class ends and he walks away from this school forever he’ll think ‘man I wish I had gotten to know her, she seemed so cool’. But even if he doesn’t recognize it then, someday he will see it.
Just as someday the best literature comes and finds you and says “Hey! Remember me? you’re going to love me from now on” well just like that he’ll remember me, and he’ll love me forever. So here is to hope and love! Let’s pour one out for fallen comrades and our dearly departed ancestors. I always wanted to go to the beach with a bunch of English majors and root beer in glass bottles. Then we could say things like that and the other people wouldn’t think we were weird. Salude.
Perfect Houses
I’m sick of perfect houses. I’m sick of exteriors that look prestine and tranquil. I’m sick of hiding my emotions. I walk down this quaint family street and see so many silent happy houses. How may bruises were created behind that closed door? How many broken hearts were born there? Our whole lives we’ve been told
Shove it down your throat.
Swallow it.
Accept that no one is going to want to hear about your sob story and go on with it. Really? Am I never going to be understood? Every morning am I going to have to put on a mask? Is this the rest of my life?
This is bull that’s what it is.
Everyone is hiding something. Everyone has got something deep down in their stomach that they fear other people will find out. They’re scared that when they’re friends find out they’ll pull away. They say that the honest are alone. But why!?!
Why the heck do we act like this?!?
All of us are experiencing it on some level or another! Why can’t we share it?
I see these movies where the characters admit the truth and after a bit they accept it and everything is hunky dory. I know life isn’t going to be like that. Life is messy and life is broken and shattered. People mess stuff up and they love and they hate and everything gets jumbled up, but how many times have you wished you could just express your truest emotions to someone?!?
I guess that’s why I don’t belong. Because about 95% of the time what you see on the surface is whats happening underneath. Sure I hide somethings, but I’ll tell you them to your face. What I’m really hiding is the pain. The anger. The scared little girl that is still inside. I can tell you my life story without crying now, but that’s only after years of training. I was taught emotions make you weak. When they see you cry they can hurt you. I think we were all told that. We all hate to cry in front of someone.
I’ll tell you about the abuse. I’ll tell you about the pain. I’ll tell you about falling asleep to the screams. I’ll tell you about my sister, my protector, leaving me behind. I’ll tell you all those things without a tear.
But they hurt.
That’s what I’m afraid to say. I’m afraid to say that I feel. I’m afraid that if I admit that I feel people will turn away. I’m the happy go lucky fat girl. I make people laugh. Underneath it all? Underneath it all I’m just as broken as you are.
But it’s true about happiness too. We shun those who seem overly happy. Those who are genuinely excited about life. Sometimes I just get so happy I can’t contain it. I just have to move to jump to sing. People say I’m weird, quirky, cooky, nuts etc etc. Why is that so wrong?
And I’m surrounded by these girls who hide their feelings. I tell them I want to tell our guy friend off and they say it’s mean or rude or will scare him away. Why do I care? He treats us like crap! Why should I care how he feels if he doesn’t care how I feel? It doesn’t make sense. If we really are friends he should be able to work with it, to understand and move on.
But instead we play these games. We pretend we like them, and sometimes we do, but then when they’re gone we get this knot in our stomach that begs the question why are we still friends with him?
Why can’t I cry in front of you? Why can’t I express my real feelings and keep my friends? I’m sick of all these perfect houses with their doors shut to me. I try and present myself as I truly am on the inside. I try and show you the cracks, the breaks, the sags. But I can not show you how I feel. You wouldn’t love me if I did.
I honestly don't know why we hate on each other
Everyone is having problems. You hate someone because they do something that you think is dumb or because they support something you don’t support. Guess what! We’re all human! We’re all going to believe different things! You want to know something that very few people here know about me?
I’m Mormon, I love my religion, and I support gay rights!
About 90% of people would hate me because of one of the above! But guess what?!? I love myself. I am a walking enigma, things don’t make sense, but guess what! Nothing is supposed to make sense! Things are jumbled up and disorderly because nothing is perfect. So hate on my religion, go for it! I’ll ignore you because my faith is strong enought that I don’t care what you say. But guess what! I also care enough about other people to not feel like I need to pressure them! Some of my best friends are atheists. How do I exist?!? Because I love people. That is what comes first in my book. People. I don’t like to be hurt, why should you? Why should I hurt you? who gives me the right to make you feel guilty because of something you believe in? I don’t have that right, no one does. So I’m not going to hate on anyone. I may ask you questions on why you feel a certain way, but in no way are they meant to be mean or rude. I may hate some things that you love, but I do not feel the need to convert you to my side. You are entitled to your opinion as you are to yours. I do not write about things that bug me because i want to convert people to my point of view. I do it because I need to express it to myself. If you don’t like what I write you are beyond welcome to unfollow me. I am purely myself and I love that!
So here it is: I’m 21, fat, never been kissed, never been asked on a date, Mormon, support gay rights, friends with atheists baptists methodists etc etc, listen to punk and rock music, emotionally abused my entire life, hopeful, romantic, loving. Thats who I am. and so much more. If you want to get to know me go for it! I welcome anyone and everyone. Lets chat on our various ideas. I don’t accept hate though. Sorry.
About the suicides of late due to bullying on sexuality.
My heart goes out to their families. To their friends. And most of all to them. I know they’re safe in God’s arms again.
What I just kind of wanted to say though was that all suicides should receive this much attention. People are saying on here that nobody should feel like they did, that they don’t belong or aren’t worthy. But the thing is a lot of people feel like that. Not just those who are bullied because of their homosexuality. It seems like so much attention is focused on the fact that they were gay and that they took their lives because of other peoples influence on them. Well, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t understand why the focus has to be on the fact that they were gay. In July a good friend of mine killed himself. The world didn’t stop. The world kept spinning. No one even said anything at school to me. An email was sent out on the school email telling us and when his funeral would be. That was it. I had to work through that with absolutely no support from the people around me. That day was just another beat in the symphony of life.
I guess what I’m getting at is that the tragedy is that they ended their lives. Those bullies were wrong and then need to be held accountable, but I think every life that ends at their own hands deserves this kind of attention.
I have held the knife to my wrist and I used to burn myself severly to get rid of the pain, but I never went through with it. I can not imagine the pain they were in to do that. Thats why I honor those boys. Not because they were persecuted because of their sexuality, but because there was no one there for them. I wish I could be there for every person who feels like that. Every soul that doesn’t feel like it could go on.
I miss Dustin. If he would’ve said anything I would’ve been there. Thats the worst pain I have felt in such a long time. My roommates that semester didn’t even know. No one did.
Note: I do not at all look down on homosexuality and I am a supporter of gay rights. I do not hate people.
So Christmas is Right around the corner!
Here is the list of things I want.
1. Boots
2. Boat Shoes
3. Mr. Perfect
4. The boy I call Stud.
But cash works too.
10/18/10
Late Night Texting
So really late at night I get really sappy. I used to text people and that just brought trouble so now I write. I felt like these needed to be exposed to the whole world.
#1: Have you ever had a group of friends that you just can't imagine life before them? They came into your life and changed it so dramatically that its unrecognizable? I was lucky to get a group of those this year. Merilee and david were not the friends i was looking for. I always wanted to be friends with the cool trendy indie kids but i was always too intimidated by them. When i met david i thought he was one of them, but the more i get to know him the more i realize he's just david. Merilee was not what i was looking for in a best friend. I've always been the odd girl in church, the girl who doesn"t quite fit. When i found out merilee was from idaho i expected her to be a brat and just clash with me. Looking back on those first few faltering steps with both of them its a miracle we became friends at all, let alone the magnitude we are now. When people look at us they see three friends. No one is a tag along and no one matters more than the others. We're all equals. Sure merilee and i hang out more and have inside jokes without david but it never comes between the three of us. No matter what we say we know the other 2 are there no matter what. When dustin died last semester and i just needed to blow off steam merilee called up david and made sure we hung out in the middle of the week so i could make it through. David challenges me and makes me think and often makes my blood boil, but beneath that antagonist shell is a heart i know i have some claim on. Sometimes i feel like i'm beating against a brick wall but i know he feels and cares. Merilee is the doe of the group. She hates contention and shrinks away from us when we fight. Her gentle sweetness is what keeps me from hitting david sometimes. She is the balance to his heatedness. Between them is where i fit. Fisty, sassy and yet calm and loving. Most people don't see beyond the shell, but merilee and david took the time. They care. They care and i will always care about them.
#2:If you would've told me a year ago i'd find people who make me feel the way you make me feel i'd laugh. I'd tell you those people don"t exist. And if they did they don't exist for me. People don't love me the way i love them. I'm always the attatched one. The one who doesn't understand boundaries. The one who is always tagging along. You changed everything for me. You proved to me i am not alone. You brushed away the cobwebs in my heart and helped me open up again. You were the people who even though i'd fallen to the ground a long time ago were willing to push me back up. You showed me that things could be fixed. I was homeless and you gave me a home. I was starving and you fed me. I was fallen and you caught me. So our time together may be winding down but i know that no matter what storms weather us i will remember you. I will remember the lessons you taught me. I will remember you in my heart.
8/27/10
8/26/10
Lottery Ticket
So I went and saw Lottery Ticket last night. It was a pretty silly movie, but it got me thinking.
What would I do if I had the money? Any money at all really.
First thing I would do is get my best friend out of the ghetto. My best friend has lived her whole life with disease, poverty and living in the roughest of neighborhoods in Chicago. She has gone into debt trying to help her family and to remain in some standing of health. If I ever make any kind of money that is the first thing I will do. My sister asked if she would stay out, like since thats all she knows she’d revert to it. But I don’t care. I just can’t leave her there. I would help her out once, but if she went back it wouldn’t be my fault and she couldn’t complain.
The next thing I would do beside helping my family would make a scholarship to benefit children of people with Bipolar disorder. My father has battled with it his whole life and it has effected my whole family. Part of bipolar disorder is starting projects and quitting halfway through. Throughout my life my dad has spent all of our money on 3 businesses and then gave up. Also it’s very difficult for them to hold a job. Having frequent emotional outbursts is not conducive to many jobs and so we’ve depended on my mom (a real estate agent) to pay any bills. When it came to college of my siblings and I had to find our own way. I don’t really expect much help, but its difficult to do everything on my own. I looked to find scholarships for this specific purpose because it is the main reason we don’t have the money. There are absolutely none for this specific thing. So that’s what I would do next. There is enough trouble in these families without the pressure of paying for school.
For the rest of my life, or the money, I would spend it traveling and finding people who are talented. I have always loved books and art and movies and music. I have always wanted to excel in these things, but I’ve only been mediocre. I want to start a publishing company where I could publish any of these mediums and give a shot to underprivileged artists. I would only allow 3 books or albums to be published through our company for each artist. That way our money isn’t funneling into an already established artist, but rather giving an opportunity to those just starting out. I would love to spend my life meeting writers and musicians who would give anything for their break. But it wouldn’t be about the stardom. I would avoid those artists and seek out the artists who are seeking to connect people, to make a better world.
I know this is all a romantic delusion. Hoping I could make a difference in the world for the people like me, but I would love to do all of this. I’d also buy myself a modest flat in London and one in LA. Nothing big or fancy, just enough to live and base my business out of. Why is it that the people who don’t do anything useful with their money are the ones who get rich? I would help the hearts of so many individuals.
What would I do if I had the money? Any money at all really.
First thing I would do is get my best friend out of the ghetto. My best friend has lived her whole life with disease, poverty and living in the roughest of neighborhoods in Chicago. She has gone into debt trying to help her family and to remain in some standing of health. If I ever make any kind of money that is the first thing I will do. My sister asked if she would stay out, like since thats all she knows she’d revert to it. But I don’t care. I just can’t leave her there. I would help her out once, but if she went back it wouldn’t be my fault and she couldn’t complain.
The next thing I would do beside helping my family would make a scholarship to benefit children of people with Bipolar disorder. My father has battled with it his whole life and it has effected my whole family. Part of bipolar disorder is starting projects and quitting halfway through. Throughout my life my dad has spent all of our money on 3 businesses and then gave up. Also it’s very difficult for them to hold a job. Having frequent emotional outbursts is not conducive to many jobs and so we’ve depended on my mom (a real estate agent) to pay any bills. When it came to college of my siblings and I had to find our own way. I don’t really expect much help, but its difficult to do everything on my own. I looked to find scholarships for this specific purpose because it is the main reason we don’t have the money. There are absolutely none for this specific thing. So that’s what I would do next. There is enough trouble in these families without the pressure of paying for school.
For the rest of my life, or the money, I would spend it traveling and finding people who are talented. I have always loved books and art and movies and music. I have always wanted to excel in these things, but I’ve only been mediocre. I want to start a publishing company where I could publish any of these mediums and give a shot to underprivileged artists. I would only allow 3 books or albums to be published through our company for each artist. That way our money isn’t funneling into an already established artist, but rather giving an opportunity to those just starting out. I would love to spend my life meeting writers and musicians who would give anything for their break. But it wouldn’t be about the stardom. I would avoid those artists and seek out the artists who are seeking to connect people, to make a better world.
I know this is all a romantic delusion. Hoping I could make a difference in the world for the people like me, but I would love to do all of this. I’d also buy myself a modest flat in London and one in LA. Nothing big or fancy, just enough to live and base my business out of. Why is it that the people who don’t do anything useful with their money are the ones who get rich? I would help the hearts of so many individuals.
8/16/10
Alone, Together. (A Dr Who Fanfic I wrote)
I always knew I was different. My mother never would explain it to me but she would always tell me that my father wasn’t from America. She never let me go to the hospital, but then again I never got sick. One time I broke my arm and it was healed in a matter of days. I couldn’t explain it and mother wouldn’t tell me anything, but I knew from that day that I was something different.
When I was 19 my mother finally let me move out and go to college 3 hours away from home in Santa Clarita. I was so excited to be studying English at UCSB that I didn’t realize that my life was changing. Instead of being the typical college student who skated through classes and drank my nights away I spent my time fixing problems people came to me with. It seemed like every day someone new was telling me their life story and what trouble they were in.
One day in my sophomore year, Paul, a boy who lived in the dorm beneath mine came to me one day and told me he was failing English. As an English student I couldn’t quite understand how he was failing a level 100 English class. He begged me to help him pass. I talked to his teacher, I helped him cram and in the end he managed to pass but only because I spent the 52 hours before his test cramming him with every last bit of information.
I left the dorm and headed out to find some food. I walked past a blue box and stopped to squint at it. There was something off about it. I just ignored it and walked away. I grabbed a sandwich at my favorite deli and headed back. As I walked back the box stuck out to me again so I sat down and ate my sandwich on a park bench across from it.
I sat there and ate my dinner staring at a blue police box in the middle of Santa Barbra and no one gave it a second glance. All of a sudden a skinny gangly boy, not much older than me, ran up to it. He was wearing suspenders, a tweed jacket and a bowtie. He looked absolutely ridiculous and yet he opened up the box and ran inside. That was the first person who had touched the box let alone opened it.
“What the?” I said standing up. All of a sudden the man ran out and ran right up to me.
“What are you looking at?” He asked with a British accent and his bangs falling in his eyes.
“Well I’m looking at that blue box you ran into.”
“Why?”
“Because no one else even noticed it, and then you ran right into it.”
“Well…that is pretty odd. What is so different about you?” he said looking into my eyes. It didn’t really seem like he was asking me, but rather looking into me to find out.
“I don’t know. I just noticed the box.”
“Do you want to come in?” he asked tilting his head to one side and running his hands through his hair.
“Uh…sure.” I was a trained black belt so I figured I could handle myself against the weakling man.
“Come on in!” he said opening the door and ushering me in.
When I walked in I noticed immediately that the room was bigger than the outside of the box. In the center was some kind of console with a large glass instrument in the center. There were buttons and gadgets and even a type writer all over the console. I stared up at it and then peered down the hall ways and up the stairs that took off in all directions from the main room.
“I know the inside is bigger than the outside” he said leaning up against the console with the stupidest grin on his face.
“Yeah, but what is it?” I asked. I had acknowledged the size difference and moved on.
“What do you mean? You lot usually get all hung up on the difference!”
“My lot? What do you mean?”
“I mean humans. Well I guess I might as well tell you this is the Tardis, it’s a time and space machine that allows me to travel anywhere I like. Oh and I’m not human” he said scrunching his face as if he were trying to gage my reaction.
“Huh. Well what’s your name?” I asked turning round and round looking at everything.
“I’m the Doctor. And you are?”
“Emily.”
“Why aren’t you freaked out about all this?”
“Should I be?”
The Doctor looked even more confused. “I guess not. Where do you want to go?” he said straightening up and getting that stupid grin on his face again.
“Hmm, the beginning of the human race?”
“Alright!” the Doctor said and started to push various buttons and pulling levers. There was a weird whooshing sound. It slowly got louder and then faded away. “You ready?”
“Sure!” I said and I jumped out the door. There I was standing in the middle of a forest and there stood one man. He looked at me and then walked off farther into the forest.
“Did you see him?” the Doctor asked as he jumped out of the Tardis after her.
“Yeah, is that him?”
“Yep! The first human. Miracle you all made it.”
“It really is. Hmmm interesting. What’s next?” I asked and opened the door to the Tardis again.
“That’s it? You want to keep moving?”
“Sure! What’s next? Where do you want to go?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never met anyone like you.”
“Not most people have.”
“I’ve met a lot of people and yet I can’t seem to grasp onto…I don’t know” the Doctor said opening some metal device. It was as long as a pencil but twice as big around. It had a blue light on it and he kept pointing it at her and then staring at the device.
“What’s that?”
“Sonic screwdriver. What are you?”
“Sonic? Hmmm” I said and grabbed it from his hands. I closely examined it and then shook it a bit. “Hmmm, seems like a simple enough design” I said and tossed it back to him.
“You’re not completely human, are you?”
“I always thought I was human, but I’ve never met my dad. Who knows who he could be.”
“Who is your mother?” the Doctor asked looking concerned.
“Martha Adamson? Do you know her?”
“No. Actually. I don’t. Hmmm…” he said and sat down on the odd seats that looked like they came from my grandfather’s old Cadillac.
I plopped down next to him. “What’s the matter?”
“I don’t rightly know what you are. You’re not human, but you’re not anything I’ve ever seen. Here! Great idea! I know!” he said and grabbed a mirror. He had me look into it and then a paper started to print from the typewriter. He ran over and looked at it. “What the…impossible! Impossible!” He said and looked from me to the paper and back again.
“What is it? What am I?” I asked trying to see the paper.
“It says you are part Timelord. Half human, half Timelord. Impossible” the Doctor said sitting slowly and placing his head in his hands.
“Why is that impossible? What’s a Timelord?” I asked confused by why he was so freaked out. I wasn’t weirded out about being an alien; I had always known I was different.
“I’m a Timelord. The last Timelord.”
“Well I guess not” I said putting my hand on his knee. I tried to look him in the eye but he was staring directly down.
“You don’t understand. I’ve been the last for so long. How? How even?” he said and just stared in her brown eyes.
“I don’t know. I’ve been this way forever. What happened to the rest of our people?” I said with the word our sounding foreign but comforting in my mouth.
“There was a great war. Everyone died. Everyone, you got that? I was the only survivor. I’ve spent the rest of my life alone and you were just hanging out in California?”
“Yeah I guess. I don’t know. It’s not like I was hiding.”
“You’re just so illogical. A human Timelord child” the Doctor said looking me from top to bottom.
“I am not a child!” I said putting my hands on my hips and shaking out my red hair.
“No, no you’re not a child” the Doctor said grinning like a Devil, “but compared to my 907 years I feel quite a bit older.”
“Wow, 907? How old will I live to be?” I asked crossing my legs and beginning to ponder.
“There is no way to know! You’re one of a kind. But you are guaranteed to live more than a natural human that’s for sure.”
“So you’re saying at some point all of my friends will be dead?”
“Welcome to my world” he said and offered me his arms when he saw I was upset.
I grabbed onto him and buried my face into his shoulder. I sobbed into his coat. I didn’t really know why. He just held me as I sobbed. The thought of my friends, my mother, everyone I knew decaying and dying threw me into hysterics.
It took me 5 minutes to compose myself. He just stood there and hugged me. “How old will you live to be?” I managed to whisper.
“I don’t know, but I’m not dying anytime soon.”
“Then at least I’ve got you.”
“And I’ve got you” he said with a weird melancholic tone in his voice.
We stood there for a bit more and then he looked up at me. “You want to see something absolutely beautiful?”
“Sure” I said and he ran to the controls and started to fiddle.
The sound happened again and then he opened the door leading me out onto a grassy hill. “This is the planet of Rexicalian and this is the still lake” he said and pointed to a piece of glass lying among the grass. It reached out as far as I could see and it took me a minute to realize it was water not glass.
“Wow, why is it so still?”
“No one is quite sure, but isn’t it gorgeous?” he asked looking up at me through his eyelashes and bangs.
“Amazing” I said sitting and looking out at the lake. “Doctor, I’m glad you’re not alone anymore.”
“Me too” he said sitting down next to me and turning to face me. He gently placed his hand over mine and leaned in. He kissed me so softly and passionately. He kissed me deep and as if he’d been lost. Lost and I had found him. He kissed me and I kissed him back, because we were alone in the world. Just the two of us.
That’s how the Doctor and I met, that’s how we were no longer alone in the universe.
When I was 19 my mother finally let me move out and go to college 3 hours away from home in Santa Clarita. I was so excited to be studying English at UCSB that I didn’t realize that my life was changing. Instead of being the typical college student who skated through classes and drank my nights away I spent my time fixing problems people came to me with. It seemed like every day someone new was telling me their life story and what trouble they were in.
One day in my sophomore year, Paul, a boy who lived in the dorm beneath mine came to me one day and told me he was failing English. As an English student I couldn’t quite understand how he was failing a level 100 English class. He begged me to help him pass. I talked to his teacher, I helped him cram and in the end he managed to pass but only because I spent the 52 hours before his test cramming him with every last bit of information.
I left the dorm and headed out to find some food. I walked past a blue box and stopped to squint at it. There was something off about it. I just ignored it and walked away. I grabbed a sandwich at my favorite deli and headed back. As I walked back the box stuck out to me again so I sat down and ate my sandwich on a park bench across from it.
I sat there and ate my dinner staring at a blue police box in the middle of Santa Barbra and no one gave it a second glance. All of a sudden a skinny gangly boy, not much older than me, ran up to it. He was wearing suspenders, a tweed jacket and a bowtie. He looked absolutely ridiculous and yet he opened up the box and ran inside. That was the first person who had touched the box let alone opened it.
“What the?” I said standing up. All of a sudden the man ran out and ran right up to me.
“What are you looking at?” He asked with a British accent and his bangs falling in his eyes.
“Well I’m looking at that blue box you ran into.”
“Why?”
“Because no one else even noticed it, and then you ran right into it.”
“Well…that is pretty odd. What is so different about you?” he said looking into my eyes. It didn’t really seem like he was asking me, but rather looking into me to find out.
“I don’t know. I just noticed the box.”
“Do you want to come in?” he asked tilting his head to one side and running his hands through his hair.
“Uh…sure.” I was a trained black belt so I figured I could handle myself against the weakling man.
“Come on in!” he said opening the door and ushering me in.
When I walked in I noticed immediately that the room was bigger than the outside of the box. In the center was some kind of console with a large glass instrument in the center. There were buttons and gadgets and even a type writer all over the console. I stared up at it and then peered down the hall ways and up the stairs that took off in all directions from the main room.
“I know the inside is bigger than the outside” he said leaning up against the console with the stupidest grin on his face.
“Yeah, but what is it?” I asked. I had acknowledged the size difference and moved on.
“What do you mean? You lot usually get all hung up on the difference!”
“My lot? What do you mean?”
“I mean humans. Well I guess I might as well tell you this is the Tardis, it’s a time and space machine that allows me to travel anywhere I like. Oh and I’m not human” he said scrunching his face as if he were trying to gage my reaction.
“Huh. Well what’s your name?” I asked turning round and round looking at everything.
“I’m the Doctor. And you are?”
“Emily.”
“Why aren’t you freaked out about all this?”
“Should I be?”
The Doctor looked even more confused. “I guess not. Where do you want to go?” he said straightening up and getting that stupid grin on his face again.
“Hmm, the beginning of the human race?”
“Alright!” the Doctor said and started to push various buttons and pulling levers. There was a weird whooshing sound. It slowly got louder and then faded away. “You ready?”
“Sure!” I said and I jumped out the door. There I was standing in the middle of a forest and there stood one man. He looked at me and then walked off farther into the forest.
“Did you see him?” the Doctor asked as he jumped out of the Tardis after her.
“Yeah, is that him?”
“Yep! The first human. Miracle you all made it.”
“It really is. Hmmm interesting. What’s next?” I asked and opened the door to the Tardis again.
“That’s it? You want to keep moving?”
“Sure! What’s next? Where do you want to go?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never met anyone like you.”
“Not most people have.”
“I’ve met a lot of people and yet I can’t seem to grasp onto…I don’t know” the Doctor said opening some metal device. It was as long as a pencil but twice as big around. It had a blue light on it and he kept pointing it at her and then staring at the device.
“What’s that?”
“Sonic screwdriver. What are you?”
“Sonic? Hmmm” I said and grabbed it from his hands. I closely examined it and then shook it a bit. “Hmmm, seems like a simple enough design” I said and tossed it back to him.
“You’re not completely human, are you?”
“I always thought I was human, but I’ve never met my dad. Who knows who he could be.”
“Who is your mother?” the Doctor asked looking concerned.
“Martha Adamson? Do you know her?”
“No. Actually. I don’t. Hmmm…” he said and sat down on the odd seats that looked like they came from my grandfather’s old Cadillac.
I plopped down next to him. “What’s the matter?”
“I don’t rightly know what you are. You’re not human, but you’re not anything I’ve ever seen. Here! Great idea! I know!” he said and grabbed a mirror. He had me look into it and then a paper started to print from the typewriter. He ran over and looked at it. “What the…impossible! Impossible!” He said and looked from me to the paper and back again.
“What is it? What am I?” I asked trying to see the paper.
“It says you are part Timelord. Half human, half Timelord. Impossible” the Doctor said sitting slowly and placing his head in his hands.
“Why is that impossible? What’s a Timelord?” I asked confused by why he was so freaked out. I wasn’t weirded out about being an alien; I had always known I was different.
“I’m a Timelord. The last Timelord.”
“Well I guess not” I said putting my hand on his knee. I tried to look him in the eye but he was staring directly down.
“You don’t understand. I’ve been the last for so long. How? How even?” he said and just stared in her brown eyes.
“I don’t know. I’ve been this way forever. What happened to the rest of our people?” I said with the word our sounding foreign but comforting in my mouth.
“There was a great war. Everyone died. Everyone, you got that? I was the only survivor. I’ve spent the rest of my life alone and you were just hanging out in California?”
“Yeah I guess. I don’t know. It’s not like I was hiding.”
“You’re just so illogical. A human Timelord child” the Doctor said looking me from top to bottom.
“I am not a child!” I said putting my hands on my hips and shaking out my red hair.
“No, no you’re not a child” the Doctor said grinning like a Devil, “but compared to my 907 years I feel quite a bit older.”
“Wow, 907? How old will I live to be?” I asked crossing my legs and beginning to ponder.
“There is no way to know! You’re one of a kind. But you are guaranteed to live more than a natural human that’s for sure.”
“So you’re saying at some point all of my friends will be dead?”
“Welcome to my world” he said and offered me his arms when he saw I was upset.
I grabbed onto him and buried my face into his shoulder. I sobbed into his coat. I didn’t really know why. He just held me as I sobbed. The thought of my friends, my mother, everyone I knew decaying and dying threw me into hysterics.
It took me 5 minutes to compose myself. He just stood there and hugged me. “How old will you live to be?” I managed to whisper.
“I don’t know, but I’m not dying anytime soon.”
“Then at least I’ve got you.”
“And I’ve got you” he said with a weird melancholic tone in his voice.
We stood there for a bit more and then he looked up at me. “You want to see something absolutely beautiful?”
“Sure” I said and he ran to the controls and started to fiddle.
The sound happened again and then he opened the door leading me out onto a grassy hill. “This is the planet of Rexicalian and this is the still lake” he said and pointed to a piece of glass lying among the grass. It reached out as far as I could see and it took me a minute to realize it was water not glass.
“Wow, why is it so still?”
“No one is quite sure, but isn’t it gorgeous?” he asked looking up at me through his eyelashes and bangs.
“Amazing” I said sitting and looking out at the lake. “Doctor, I’m glad you’re not alone anymore.”
“Me too” he said sitting down next to me and turning to face me. He gently placed his hand over mine and leaned in. He kissed me so softly and passionately. He kissed me deep and as if he’d been lost. Lost and I had found him. He kissed me and I kissed him back, because we were alone in the world. Just the two of us.
That’s how the Doctor and I met, that’s how we were no longer alone in the universe.
8/15/10
7/31/10
Something new to work on!
Okay, so I am a writer by nature which means I write 1 paragraph to 3 pages of a story and then get bored. So I've got 4 possible stories to work on and I want to know your position on it!
I'll give you a snippet of each one and you tell me which one you want me to write. Sound like a plan?
Option 1: Matt woke up to the sound of his Watch speaking. Of course it was more than the simple watches we strap to our wrists. Matt’s Watch did much more than tell time. It sent messages, played games, gave directions, opened doors, cooked meals, played music and much more. Matt rolled over to stare at his Watch. The night of partying had left him too tired to lift his head. Once his watch had scanned his pupil it began to read the message.
“Good morning Mr. Matthew Nordwind,” A very official and loud voice read off. “As you know our society runs on a simple system that allows our citizens to enjoy their leisure rather than slave to run an over complicated society. Today is your one day of work for this year. Please report to the deployment bay of your residence by 9 am sharp. Remember without your service we would not be able to function. Thank you”
With that the bright white light faded on Matt’s Watch. He wanted to just roll over and sleep off the night before, but he knew he should get up. He managed to mumble out “Watch, time?”
A chipper voice called back “8:45 am sir”.
“Mer…”
“Would you like me to prepare the cleaner?”
“Yes…” Matt said as he pulled himself out of bed and stumbled over to the corner of his room that had a curtain drawn around it. “And Watch? Toss in some energy on this one”.
“2 doses of energy and a cleaning, prepared sir”.
As Matt stepped behind the curtain he felt a swift current of air moving over his skin. It went through his clothes and tickled a bit as it went. He knew the way the machine worked was that tiny particles flew over his body and removed all dead skin cells and cleaned his skin to perfection. These particles were mixed with another combination of chemicals that would absorb into his skin leaving him feeling awake and alert. In these few seconds he went over the information in his head his whole body had been cleaned. Now all he had to do was pick out clothes.
“Watch, pick out an outfit appropriate for today” he said stripping off his pajama shirt and pants. In the time it took him to untangle his legs from his pants a set of hangers were thrust into the cleaner. “Thank you Watch”.
“It is my function sir. Would you like me to start a morning meal for you?’
Matt pulled on the black v neck shirt and jeans the closet had provided him with. “No I’ll just grab an energy bar on my way out” he said zipping up the gray sweatshirt. He stepped out to find a pair of sneakers placed directly in front of him. He stepped into them and they laced themselves up. He grabbed his Watch off the bed stand and stopped in front of the mirror.
He looked himself in his blue eyes. His eyes, themselves, were clear, but around them was all saggy and dark from countless nights of partying. He ran his hands through his brown hair, blinked twice, and galloped down the stairs.
“Good morning Matt!” his kid brother Andrew called as he heard the thump of Matt’s 6’2” frame thrown full force down the stairs.
“Good morning Andy! Guess where I am going this morning?”
“Work?”
“How’d you know?”
“Your Watch is still set on high from the party last night. I bet the neighbors even heard!”
“Well what are you going to do today?” Matt said grabbing a bite of Andrew’s morning cereal.
“I don’t know, I guess go hang out with my friends. We don’t have our next update on the software till next week so probably go down town”.
“Someday you’ll have it all little brother!” Matt said opening the cupboard and finding the box of nutrition bars. “Well gotta run! See you tonight!” With that Matt walked out to the deployment bay and waited. 1 minute early. Matthew had perfected the art of being early but never too early over years of worrying. He took another glance at himself in the mirror. “Today is the first day of the rest of your life buddy!” Matt said to no one but himself. He had just received the last informational software update he would need for his whole life. This would be the equivalent of someone in our time graduating college. He was ready to get the rest of his life started. As the deployment bay door opened a bolt of bright sunlight shot off the window and directly into his eyes. He walked towards it expecting absolutely nothing.
As he approached the vehicle he noticed that there was no one in it. He had heard about the self drivers, but had never seen one. It was rare he was awake at this hour anyways. As he got in the back seat he saw the screen. “Welcome to your work day!” a chipper woman in a dress suit said on the screen. “Matthew Rosevelt Nordwind, we have received identity confirmation from your Watch and now will procede to the work station. Remember, you will have your memory erased up to the point of entering the station simply so you don’t have to remember the work. Good luck!”
The vehicle pulled up to the local work station and Matt looked out the window. He saw someone he had never seen before. He lived in a small town so he knew almost everyone. How could this girl have escaped him? She was probably just a little below his height with brown hair in a bob that framed her face. Even from 200 hundred yards away Matthew could see her piercing green eyes. She shook her head and her hair fell into place she had porcelain skin over the most delicate of cheek bones. She was wearing a pair of black jeans that looked like they had been specially made for her, as well as a white linen shirt that clung and draped in all the right places. It reached almost down to her mid thigh but she had a cropped leather jacket.
Matthew stared as she entered the work station and ignored the beeping of the vehicle. He knew he needed to get out, but in the presence of this beauty he was having trouble enough breathing let alone moving. He managed to put his feet on the ground outside the vehicle, but only after the door had swung close behind her. He walked the few feet to the door and
– blank –
Option 2:How do you get someone out of your mind and heart that doesn’t know they’re there in the first place? How do you tell someone you’re mad at them because you’re so much more emotionally attatched to them and they had no idea?
I don’t remember the first time I saw Paul. I’m not going to lie and tell you that the first second I saw him I knew how our story would end. I have no idea what day it was, what I was wearing let alone what he was wearing. But I do remember the moment that it hit me. I remember every detail of that night and I know it changed things.
Option 3: I’m sure you’ve all heard the stories of a man leaving his girl for his band. But I don’t think you’ve heard this story yet. This is my story. The story of Matthew and I. Lets set this thing up. I loved him. I loved him since the first time I met him when we were 15 and he kissed my cheek. I was lost in love. Sure my love changed as we grew up. I told him countless times that I was in love with him and he didn’t feel the same. Instead of freaking out and leaving me there he was always my best friend. I couldn’t let go of him. When we were 21 I decided it was time for me to move on. I wasn’t making any progress on the front there, but I was making progress in my music. I packed up my van, got my best friend to come along and we started out on the journey of a life time. A journey into the great unknown that would take us to the moon and back.
Option 4: I’ve tried to write this story a thousand times. Every time I’ve tried I’ve added something, some glimmer of hope for whatever alias I gave myself this time. I always tried to recreate myself in these stories, rewrite what I did, who I am. They never came out right. They never came out right because the way I told it never was right. So here I am. I’m barring my soul to the world. I’m going to tell it all. Tell it all from the beginning.
It was the summer I turned 15. That was the summer after my heart got broken. But that’s a completely different story, lets just leave it at I was crushed. I was a former shell of the once loving, trusting girl I had once been. I became embittered and lost all hope in my self. That was October through June. In July is where our story begins.
Every year of high school I went to church camp. It was what I looked forward to all year round. That year I was there with my best friend Karen and we’d both developed crushes on guys over the week. She was solely devoted to a boy named Clint and I had decided Sam was my one true love. That last night, the big dance, we decided was the perfect time to confess our undying love. Needless to say we both had our hearts broken. We sat outside that dance completely shattered. It wasn’t easy for me to deal with it because I was so fragile. I was a baby phoenix rising from those ashes and was stepped on by a giant shoe. Karen was pretty broken too and so there we sat. We sat outside a room full of music and heat and our new friends and pitied ourselves.
Enter you.
I'll give you a snippet of each one and you tell me which one you want me to write. Sound like a plan?
Option 1: Matt woke up to the sound of his Watch speaking. Of course it was more than the simple watches we strap to our wrists. Matt’s Watch did much more than tell time. It sent messages, played games, gave directions, opened doors, cooked meals, played music and much more. Matt rolled over to stare at his Watch. The night of partying had left him too tired to lift his head. Once his watch had scanned his pupil it began to read the message.
“Good morning Mr. Matthew Nordwind,” A very official and loud voice read off. “As you know our society runs on a simple system that allows our citizens to enjoy their leisure rather than slave to run an over complicated society. Today is your one day of work for this year. Please report to the deployment bay of your residence by 9 am sharp. Remember without your service we would not be able to function. Thank you”
With that the bright white light faded on Matt’s Watch. He wanted to just roll over and sleep off the night before, but he knew he should get up. He managed to mumble out “Watch, time?”
A chipper voice called back “8:45 am sir”.
“Mer…”
“Would you like me to prepare the cleaner?”
“Yes…” Matt said as he pulled himself out of bed and stumbled over to the corner of his room that had a curtain drawn around it. “And Watch? Toss in some energy on this one”.
“2 doses of energy and a cleaning, prepared sir”.
As Matt stepped behind the curtain he felt a swift current of air moving over his skin. It went through his clothes and tickled a bit as it went. He knew the way the machine worked was that tiny particles flew over his body and removed all dead skin cells and cleaned his skin to perfection. These particles were mixed with another combination of chemicals that would absorb into his skin leaving him feeling awake and alert. In these few seconds he went over the information in his head his whole body had been cleaned. Now all he had to do was pick out clothes.
“Watch, pick out an outfit appropriate for today” he said stripping off his pajama shirt and pants. In the time it took him to untangle his legs from his pants a set of hangers were thrust into the cleaner. “Thank you Watch”.
“It is my function sir. Would you like me to start a morning meal for you?’
Matt pulled on the black v neck shirt and jeans the closet had provided him with. “No I’ll just grab an energy bar on my way out” he said zipping up the gray sweatshirt. He stepped out to find a pair of sneakers placed directly in front of him. He stepped into them and they laced themselves up. He grabbed his Watch off the bed stand and stopped in front of the mirror.
He looked himself in his blue eyes. His eyes, themselves, were clear, but around them was all saggy and dark from countless nights of partying. He ran his hands through his brown hair, blinked twice, and galloped down the stairs.
“Good morning Matt!” his kid brother Andrew called as he heard the thump of Matt’s 6’2” frame thrown full force down the stairs.
“Good morning Andy! Guess where I am going this morning?”
“Work?”
“How’d you know?”
“Your Watch is still set on high from the party last night. I bet the neighbors even heard!”
“Well what are you going to do today?” Matt said grabbing a bite of Andrew’s morning cereal.
“I don’t know, I guess go hang out with my friends. We don’t have our next update on the software till next week so probably go down town”.
“Someday you’ll have it all little brother!” Matt said opening the cupboard and finding the box of nutrition bars. “Well gotta run! See you tonight!” With that Matt walked out to the deployment bay and waited. 1 minute early. Matthew had perfected the art of being early but never too early over years of worrying. He took another glance at himself in the mirror. “Today is the first day of the rest of your life buddy!” Matt said to no one but himself. He had just received the last informational software update he would need for his whole life. This would be the equivalent of someone in our time graduating college. He was ready to get the rest of his life started. As the deployment bay door opened a bolt of bright sunlight shot off the window and directly into his eyes. He walked towards it expecting absolutely nothing.
As he approached the vehicle he noticed that there was no one in it. He had heard about the self drivers, but had never seen one. It was rare he was awake at this hour anyways. As he got in the back seat he saw the screen. “Welcome to your work day!” a chipper woman in a dress suit said on the screen. “Matthew Rosevelt Nordwind, we have received identity confirmation from your Watch and now will procede to the work station. Remember, you will have your memory erased up to the point of entering the station simply so you don’t have to remember the work. Good luck!”
The vehicle pulled up to the local work station and Matt looked out the window. He saw someone he had never seen before. He lived in a small town so he knew almost everyone. How could this girl have escaped him? She was probably just a little below his height with brown hair in a bob that framed her face. Even from 200 hundred yards away Matthew could see her piercing green eyes. She shook her head and her hair fell into place she had porcelain skin over the most delicate of cheek bones. She was wearing a pair of black jeans that looked like they had been specially made for her, as well as a white linen shirt that clung and draped in all the right places. It reached almost down to her mid thigh but she had a cropped leather jacket.
Matthew stared as she entered the work station and ignored the beeping of the vehicle. He knew he needed to get out, but in the presence of this beauty he was having trouble enough breathing let alone moving. He managed to put his feet on the ground outside the vehicle, but only after the door had swung close behind her. He walked the few feet to the door and
– blank –
Option 2:How do you get someone out of your mind and heart that doesn’t know they’re there in the first place? How do you tell someone you’re mad at them because you’re so much more emotionally attatched to them and they had no idea?
I don’t remember the first time I saw Paul. I’m not going to lie and tell you that the first second I saw him I knew how our story would end. I have no idea what day it was, what I was wearing let alone what he was wearing. But I do remember the moment that it hit me. I remember every detail of that night and I know it changed things.
Option 3: I’m sure you’ve all heard the stories of a man leaving his girl for his band. But I don’t think you’ve heard this story yet. This is my story. The story of Matthew and I. Lets set this thing up. I loved him. I loved him since the first time I met him when we were 15 and he kissed my cheek. I was lost in love. Sure my love changed as we grew up. I told him countless times that I was in love with him and he didn’t feel the same. Instead of freaking out and leaving me there he was always my best friend. I couldn’t let go of him. When we were 21 I decided it was time for me to move on. I wasn’t making any progress on the front there, but I was making progress in my music. I packed up my van, got my best friend to come along and we started out on the journey of a life time. A journey into the great unknown that would take us to the moon and back.
Option 4: I’ve tried to write this story a thousand times. Every time I’ve tried I’ve added something, some glimmer of hope for whatever alias I gave myself this time. I always tried to recreate myself in these stories, rewrite what I did, who I am. They never came out right. They never came out right because the way I told it never was right. So here I am. I’m barring my soul to the world. I’m going to tell it all. Tell it all from the beginning.
It was the summer I turned 15. That was the summer after my heart got broken. But that’s a completely different story, lets just leave it at I was crushed. I was a former shell of the once loving, trusting girl I had once been. I became embittered and lost all hope in my self. That was October through June. In July is where our story begins.
Every year of high school I went to church camp. It was what I looked forward to all year round. That year I was there with my best friend Karen and we’d both developed crushes on guys over the week. She was solely devoted to a boy named Clint and I had decided Sam was my one true love. That last night, the big dance, we decided was the perfect time to confess our undying love. Needless to say we both had our hearts broken. We sat outside that dance completely shattered. It wasn’t easy for me to deal with it because I was so fragile. I was a baby phoenix rising from those ashes and was stepped on by a giant shoe. Karen was pretty broken too and so there we sat. We sat outside a room full of music and heat and our new friends and pitied ourselves.
Enter you.
7/28/10
A Short Trip
Here is a short story I've written over the last 2 days. It's roughly based off of a true story, but fiction.
There I was, standing on a corner waiting for Kirk to show up. "Can you see me? I'm out on the curb" I said into the phone. I was waiting for a boy I had a class with over a year ago. We had never really hung out, I’d always wanted to get to know him better and the magic of facebook had connected us again when I was looking for a ride down to Utah.
"Oh yeah I see you! --Click--" he said as a white Taurus sped up the suburban street. He jumped out of the car, not quite same Kirk I remembered, well everything but the beard. Where once was a clean shaven brunette boy with piercing blue eyes stood a man with dark ray bands a scruffy blonde brown beard and a stunning outfit. A blue and white checkered shirt, snug khaki shorts and a pair of flip flops. I stood there just staring at him. "You ready?"
"Oh yeah!" I said and grabbed my suit case. He held open the back door and I tossed it on the back seat. I popped up front and buckled in. I looked over at him. I was all set for an awkward half quiet half strained conversation car ride.
"Sorry I’m late"
"Oh no worries." silence ensued. 10 minutes later we got out of the winding Idaho suburbs and got onto the freeway. The air conditioner apparently was broken because the windows were down about halfway.
"So....What classes did you take last semester?" Kirk yelled over the sound of the wind whistling by. He had his hand out the window and was feeling the wind move along outside.
"Well I took astronomy, special education, reading and Hemingway and McCarthy with Professor Allen" I said referencing the teacher we had a class with the year previous.
"Oh how was that class? I really wanted to take it"
"It was really good. About half of the class asked stupid questions but Jeannette, Lindsey and I had a good time."
"Yeah Lindsey said she loved it."
"The best part was the field trip to Sun Valley"
"Oh man, so jealous! I wanted to take my own little vacation up there!"
"Yeah we went and saw the memorial and his grave and we went over to Ezra Pound’s house"
"Sweet I didn't know that was around there.”
“Yeah! You totally should’ve come!”
“Oddly enough they don’t let graduated senior just walk onto a bus and go on the field trip.”
“That is true.”
“I mean in a perfect world, a Kirk world, they would.” He said looking over at me with those hooded eyes, “Well in a perfect Kirk world I would walk down the street and people would be like HEY!!!! And I would just give them a curt little half wave” he said just raising his hand and nodding.
“Remind me never to go there” I said quietly to myself.
He chuckled. That was the first chuckle of the ride. I remember the way it reverberated in my ears. “Oh come on! It’ll be awesome.”
“Yeah for you, what about everyone else?”
“Eh, who really cares?”
“Wow Kirk, I would never have guessed how self absorbed you are!” I said coming out of my shell a little bit more.
“Hey what can I say? I’m awesome.”
I just laughed at him and shook my head. The minutes passed in a comfortable silence. Well, semi comfortable silence. It’s the kind of silence where you try and tell yourself that you are okay with it, but the fact remains you’re both still faking it. The silence lasted for about a half hour, till we pulled over to get gas. As I hopped out of the car and watched Kirk walk into the gas station I couldn’t help but check out his butt. He was just so….so….warm. He was different than the Kirk I remembered. The Kirk I remembered was quiet and semi shy. Well shy in the way that makes them seem so much superior than everyone else. Now he was making me laugh, coming out of his shell and forcing me out of my shell. I wanted to just wrap my arms around him and hold onto him forever.
Why was this happening? I had just gotten out of a crazy crush and here I was being sucked into another one? I gritted my teeth and decided this wasn’t going to happen. I was going to do everything in my power to prevent this. I walked into the gas station with my jaw firmly set and grabbed a bottle of Diet Mt Dew and some trail mix. Kirk got behind me in line with 2 bottles of Mt Dew and 2 cheese Danishes. “How much caffeine do you need?” I asked him hoping he hadn’t stayed up for the last 48 hours like I had.
“Hey! They’re two for three! Why wouldn’t I get it?”
“Some of us prefer not to fill our bodies with as many chemicals as possible.”
Kirk just chuckled and walked up to the counter. As we got back in the car Kirk had a slight half grin on his face. It disconcerted me simply because it drew me in so completely. “So any exciting plans for the break?” Kirk asked starting the car and putting his arm around my seat.
I glanced back at that arm and tried to act naturally.
“Uh, my parents want me to get a job at Kmart.”
“Oh wow…that sounds nice and uh…relaxing.”
“Yeah not really that pumped about it.”
“I wouldn’t think so. Then again, when I was home I was doing 40 hours of yard work and getting paid pretty much nothing.”
“Really yard work? I would never expect that from you.”
“I know I appear like a soft white boy, but my grandpa made me work hard.”
“You don’t appear that way, you are a white boy” I said looking over at that devilish grin.
“Hey now! Don’t go criticizing me!”
“You can’t get mad if it’s true!”
“Fine I guess” he said reaching over and ruffling my hair.
I glared out of the corner of my eye at him and smoothed out my hair. My plan wasn’t really going all that well. The conversation followed the flirtatious teasing pattern for another hour. “Hey do you mind if we stop in Logan for a little bit? I need to look for an apartment for next semester.”
“Yeah sure, I don’t really need to do anything. What are you doing next semester?”
“Oh I got into graduate school at Utah State!”“That’s pretty cool!”
“Yeah, I’m pretty stoked because I am teaching 2 sections of freshman English so it’s basically paying for itself.”
“That’s pretty sweet! Hey isn’t that the exit?”
“Oh yeah!” Kirk said and veered across the lane of traffic between him and the exit.
We walked amongst the dilapidated student housing buildings for awhile. We finally found something Kirk thought might work and we went to talk to the manager’s office. Kirk knocked on the door till a woman opened. “Hey miss, I was interested in renting an apartment for the coming fall.”
“Oh, alright, and who is this?”
Kirk looked back at me. “Oh umm, this is my girlfriend she wants to make sure I don’t live in too much of a dump” he said as he reached back and grabbed my hand.
“Oh yeah! The place he lived last year was just disgusting! I told him I’d have to break up with him if his apartment had another hole in the wall” I said playing along and putting my other hand over his. There went the attempt to resist him.
“Don’t worry darling these apartments are nice and clean!” the woman said taking to me instantly.
“Let’s hope so!” I stood and listened to Kirk and the woman discuss pricing and such. I clung to Kirk’s arm like a life preserver as we walked around the complex and inspected apartments.
After about a half hour Kirk decided to go look at one other apartment before he made up his mind. We walked away from the woman still hand in hand and he opened the door for me as we got in the car. As he got in on the other side he had a huge grin on his face. “Just so you know I’ve never lived in a place with holes in the walls!”
“Hey! I was improvising, besides I would never date anyone like you!”
“Sure you wouldn’t….” As we got out of the car at the next complex he grabbed my hand again. The apartment was worse, but way cheaper.
“Darling I think you should move here! You need to save as much money for the wedding as possible” I said hoping to throw Matt off his guard.
“Oh you two are getting married?” the woman who owned these apartments asked.
“Well yes, but not for 6 months!” Kirk said lifting my hand and kissing it.
“Where’s your ring?” she asked.
“Silly Kirkikens here hasn’t saved up enough for one. I just love him so much I don’t mind” I said snuggling into his shoulder.
“Well I only want the best for my corn muffin!” Kirk said looking me in the eyes with those sapphires.
“You two are so adorable! You’re definitely going to be together forever. I can tell these kinds of things” the woman said and grabbed our clasped hands. She appeared close to tears.
“Well then this is the place for me” Kirk said smiling from ear to ear.
“Oh honey! You will always be able to come to me! My sister is a florist so she can help with your flowers. I hope you won’t be living too far away!”
“Actually I’m going to be living up in Rexburg for the semester” I said frowning and kissing Kirk on the cheek. He glanced down at me, he apparently wasn’t expecting that. He looked at me for a quick second as if I were crazy but quickly changed it to a puppy dog face.
“Oh darling! Why?!? You should be down here with your man! A man as strong and smart as Kirk here will get swept up real quick by another girl!”
“No, my heart belongs to her” he said as he rested his forehead on the top of my head. I could hardly breathe because he smelled so amazing. The hot Utah air was just accentuating the warmth I felt next to him. It wasn’t uncomfortable warmth, though the temperature was near 95, it was one of those heats that feel good with every drop of sweat on your forehead and the small of your back.
Kirk signed a few papers and we got back in the car to head to the road. “So….uhhhh….so about that” Kirk said looking over a little sheepishly. He had a playful glint in his eye, but I could tell he wasn’t sure how to breach the subject.
I looked over at him. “What do you mean?”
“We’re not really going out, or engaged for that matter.”
“Well duh! It was just a little fun. Wasn’t it?” I said biting my lip and starring forward. I was kind of hoping that he would say it wasn’t just fun, that it was something more. But I wasn’t going to let him catch me off guard.
“Well yeah, you just startled me with that kiss on the cheek and the whole engagement thing” he said folding his lips in and keeping his eyes forward.
“Oh I’m sorry, just figured you deserved it because you just grabbed my hand in the first place!”
“True, I guess I did deserve a little jump.”
“I loved giving your little suburban white boy heart a jump.”
“Oh thanks!” he said laughing and turning to me. We had passed the awkward part. As the miles flew past and the conversation grew deeper and deeper Kirk slowly put his arm around my seat. He kept it there, but slowly began to play with my hair where it rested on the seat. We discussed books, movies, what we wanted most out of life and more of what made us who we are.
“What are you most afraid of?” he asked looking over at me. The more we drove and the more we talked, the more his eyes were on me rather than the road. I was too wrapped up in those blue eyes to worry about our safety.
“Being alone. You?” I said as nonchalantly as possible. I have a strange habit of being brutally honest with people when they don’t expect it.
“Really? You’re afraid of being alone? So you can’t be in a room alone?”
“No, I’m scared of spending the rest of my life alone. And you never said what you’re afraid of.”
Kirk sat and looked at the road for a minute. “Well I guess it’s the same. I’ve always counted my biggest fear as never really connecting to people. Sometimes I just push people away, I don’t know why, but nobody has really stuck around long.”
“Guess we’re not so different.”
“You thought we were different?”
“Well yeah, you’re so much smarter and popular than me.”
“Okay, I don’t know who you’re talking about but that’s clearly not me.”
“Whatever, when we had that class together you were always too cool to talk to me” I said staring out my window trying not to show him how much I wished he had talked to me.
“Really? I thought you were too cool to talk to me. You’re hilarious, you’re extremely smart and you just…you were…you.”
“Most people don’t like that about me.”
“No, they’re just jealous that they can’t be like that.”
“Oh this is my exit” I said trying to take the focus off of me.
“Okay” Kirk said pulling off the freeway with a sad look in his eyes.
“Turn left here. And that’s my house on the right” I gave curt directions. I had let my guard down, but it wasn’t going to change anything.
“Okay here you are” Kirk said as he pulled over and opened his door.
I unbuckled and opened the door and put my foot on the curb. If I had my choice I would stay in that car forever. “So I guess this is goodbye…”“Yeah,” Kirk said pulling out my suitcase from the trunk, setting it on the curb and then leaned up against the car.
“So, well good luck at school” I said walking and stopping just short of entering his personal space.
“Thanks, you too. I know that graduating is stressful but you can do it” he said standing up straight. Our faces were just inches from each other. A space that could be breached in a mere second.
I looked him in the eyes and bit my lip. “Thanks, you’ll do great at grad school. Don’t be too mean to those freshmen.”
“Oh I won’t, don’t worry.” He looked from my eyes to my lips and back again. Then he leaned in. Just a little bit. I closed the gap.
We shared a kiss that can only be described as tragic. Both of us knew there was nothing beyond this kiss, nothing that could ever happen, but neither of us was going to leave that sidewalk till that urge had been fulfilled. I slowly laced my fingers around the back of his neck and tugged at the hair on the back of his head. I had wanted to do that the whole ride down. Slowly he pulled away. He rested his forehead against mine and we just took a couple of breaths together.
“Well…I guess this is goodbye” I said and looked up into his eyes.
“Yeah, bye” he whispered and pulled me into a hug.
I held onto him for a minute or so and then pushed away. I knew if I let it go any longer than that I would never let go. I closed my eyes, sucked in my lips, grabbed my suitcase and headed into my parents house. I opened the door and shut it behind me. I sat down on the loveseat in the giant bay window. I looked out through the curtains. Kirk was sitting in the car. He had both hands on the wheel, but the car wasn’t even on. I could tell he was clenching his teeth even from that far away.
I thought about going out to say something, but I didn’t know what to say. There really wasn’t anything I could say. Nothing would change the way things were. I just continued to look out the window. A few minutes later he turned on the car and drove away. He didn’t even look back. I pulled the curtains shut. Stood up. And wheeled my suitcase to my room.
There I was, standing on a corner waiting for Kirk to show up. "Can you see me? I'm out on the curb" I said into the phone. I was waiting for a boy I had a class with over a year ago. We had never really hung out, I’d always wanted to get to know him better and the magic of facebook had connected us again when I was looking for a ride down to Utah.
"Oh yeah I see you! --Click--" he said as a white Taurus sped up the suburban street. He jumped out of the car, not quite same Kirk I remembered, well everything but the beard. Where once was a clean shaven brunette boy with piercing blue eyes stood a man with dark ray bands a scruffy blonde brown beard and a stunning outfit. A blue and white checkered shirt, snug khaki shorts and a pair of flip flops. I stood there just staring at him. "You ready?"
"Oh yeah!" I said and grabbed my suit case. He held open the back door and I tossed it on the back seat. I popped up front and buckled in. I looked over at him. I was all set for an awkward half quiet half strained conversation car ride.
"Sorry I’m late"
"Oh no worries." silence ensued. 10 minutes later we got out of the winding Idaho suburbs and got onto the freeway. The air conditioner apparently was broken because the windows were down about halfway.
"So....What classes did you take last semester?" Kirk yelled over the sound of the wind whistling by. He had his hand out the window and was feeling the wind move along outside.
"Well I took astronomy, special education, reading and Hemingway and McCarthy with Professor Allen" I said referencing the teacher we had a class with the year previous.
"Oh how was that class? I really wanted to take it"
"It was really good. About half of the class asked stupid questions but Jeannette, Lindsey and I had a good time."
"Yeah Lindsey said she loved it."
"The best part was the field trip to Sun Valley"
"Oh man, so jealous! I wanted to take my own little vacation up there!"
"Yeah we went and saw the memorial and his grave and we went over to Ezra Pound’s house"
"Sweet I didn't know that was around there.”
“Yeah! You totally should’ve come!”
“Oddly enough they don’t let graduated senior just walk onto a bus and go on the field trip.”
“That is true.”
“I mean in a perfect world, a Kirk world, they would.” He said looking over at me with those hooded eyes, “Well in a perfect Kirk world I would walk down the street and people would be like HEY!!!! And I would just give them a curt little half wave” he said just raising his hand and nodding.
“Remind me never to go there” I said quietly to myself.
He chuckled. That was the first chuckle of the ride. I remember the way it reverberated in my ears. “Oh come on! It’ll be awesome.”
“Yeah for you, what about everyone else?”
“Eh, who really cares?”
“Wow Kirk, I would never have guessed how self absorbed you are!” I said coming out of my shell a little bit more.
“Hey what can I say? I’m awesome.”
I just laughed at him and shook my head. The minutes passed in a comfortable silence. Well, semi comfortable silence. It’s the kind of silence where you try and tell yourself that you are okay with it, but the fact remains you’re both still faking it. The silence lasted for about a half hour, till we pulled over to get gas. As I hopped out of the car and watched Kirk walk into the gas station I couldn’t help but check out his butt. He was just so….so….warm. He was different than the Kirk I remembered. The Kirk I remembered was quiet and semi shy. Well shy in the way that makes them seem so much superior than everyone else. Now he was making me laugh, coming out of his shell and forcing me out of my shell. I wanted to just wrap my arms around him and hold onto him forever.
Why was this happening? I had just gotten out of a crazy crush and here I was being sucked into another one? I gritted my teeth and decided this wasn’t going to happen. I was going to do everything in my power to prevent this. I walked into the gas station with my jaw firmly set and grabbed a bottle of Diet Mt Dew and some trail mix. Kirk got behind me in line with 2 bottles of Mt Dew and 2 cheese Danishes. “How much caffeine do you need?” I asked him hoping he hadn’t stayed up for the last 48 hours like I had.
“Hey! They’re two for three! Why wouldn’t I get it?”
“Some of us prefer not to fill our bodies with as many chemicals as possible.”
Kirk just chuckled and walked up to the counter. As we got back in the car Kirk had a slight half grin on his face. It disconcerted me simply because it drew me in so completely. “So any exciting plans for the break?” Kirk asked starting the car and putting his arm around my seat.
I glanced back at that arm and tried to act naturally.
“Uh, my parents want me to get a job at Kmart.”
“Oh wow…that sounds nice and uh…relaxing.”
“Yeah not really that pumped about it.”
“I wouldn’t think so. Then again, when I was home I was doing 40 hours of yard work and getting paid pretty much nothing.”
“Really yard work? I would never expect that from you.”
“I know I appear like a soft white boy, but my grandpa made me work hard.”
“You don’t appear that way, you are a white boy” I said looking over at that devilish grin.
“Hey now! Don’t go criticizing me!”
“You can’t get mad if it’s true!”
“Fine I guess” he said reaching over and ruffling my hair.
I glared out of the corner of my eye at him and smoothed out my hair. My plan wasn’t really going all that well. The conversation followed the flirtatious teasing pattern for another hour. “Hey do you mind if we stop in Logan for a little bit? I need to look for an apartment for next semester.”
“Yeah sure, I don’t really need to do anything. What are you doing next semester?”
“Oh I got into graduate school at Utah State!”“That’s pretty cool!”
“Yeah, I’m pretty stoked because I am teaching 2 sections of freshman English so it’s basically paying for itself.”
“That’s pretty sweet! Hey isn’t that the exit?”
“Oh yeah!” Kirk said and veered across the lane of traffic between him and the exit.
We walked amongst the dilapidated student housing buildings for awhile. We finally found something Kirk thought might work and we went to talk to the manager’s office. Kirk knocked on the door till a woman opened. “Hey miss, I was interested in renting an apartment for the coming fall.”
“Oh, alright, and who is this?”
Kirk looked back at me. “Oh umm, this is my girlfriend she wants to make sure I don’t live in too much of a dump” he said as he reached back and grabbed my hand.
“Oh yeah! The place he lived last year was just disgusting! I told him I’d have to break up with him if his apartment had another hole in the wall” I said playing along and putting my other hand over his. There went the attempt to resist him.
“Don’t worry darling these apartments are nice and clean!” the woman said taking to me instantly.
“Let’s hope so!” I stood and listened to Kirk and the woman discuss pricing and such. I clung to Kirk’s arm like a life preserver as we walked around the complex and inspected apartments.
After about a half hour Kirk decided to go look at one other apartment before he made up his mind. We walked away from the woman still hand in hand and he opened the door for me as we got in the car. As he got in on the other side he had a huge grin on his face. “Just so you know I’ve never lived in a place with holes in the walls!”
“Hey! I was improvising, besides I would never date anyone like you!”
“Sure you wouldn’t….” As we got out of the car at the next complex he grabbed my hand again. The apartment was worse, but way cheaper.
“Darling I think you should move here! You need to save as much money for the wedding as possible” I said hoping to throw Matt off his guard.
“Oh you two are getting married?” the woman who owned these apartments asked.
“Well yes, but not for 6 months!” Kirk said lifting my hand and kissing it.
“Where’s your ring?” she asked.
“Silly Kirkikens here hasn’t saved up enough for one. I just love him so much I don’t mind” I said snuggling into his shoulder.
“Well I only want the best for my corn muffin!” Kirk said looking me in the eyes with those sapphires.
“You two are so adorable! You’re definitely going to be together forever. I can tell these kinds of things” the woman said and grabbed our clasped hands. She appeared close to tears.
“Well then this is the place for me” Kirk said smiling from ear to ear.
“Oh honey! You will always be able to come to me! My sister is a florist so she can help with your flowers. I hope you won’t be living too far away!”
“Actually I’m going to be living up in Rexburg for the semester” I said frowning and kissing Kirk on the cheek. He glanced down at me, he apparently wasn’t expecting that. He looked at me for a quick second as if I were crazy but quickly changed it to a puppy dog face.
“Oh darling! Why?!? You should be down here with your man! A man as strong and smart as Kirk here will get swept up real quick by another girl!”
“No, my heart belongs to her” he said as he rested his forehead on the top of my head. I could hardly breathe because he smelled so amazing. The hot Utah air was just accentuating the warmth I felt next to him. It wasn’t uncomfortable warmth, though the temperature was near 95, it was one of those heats that feel good with every drop of sweat on your forehead and the small of your back.
Kirk signed a few papers and we got back in the car to head to the road. “So….uhhhh….so about that” Kirk said looking over a little sheepishly. He had a playful glint in his eye, but I could tell he wasn’t sure how to breach the subject.
I looked over at him. “What do you mean?”
“We’re not really going out, or engaged for that matter.”
“Well duh! It was just a little fun. Wasn’t it?” I said biting my lip and starring forward. I was kind of hoping that he would say it wasn’t just fun, that it was something more. But I wasn’t going to let him catch me off guard.
“Well yeah, you just startled me with that kiss on the cheek and the whole engagement thing” he said folding his lips in and keeping his eyes forward.
“Oh I’m sorry, just figured you deserved it because you just grabbed my hand in the first place!”
“True, I guess I did deserve a little jump.”
“I loved giving your little suburban white boy heart a jump.”
“Oh thanks!” he said laughing and turning to me. We had passed the awkward part. As the miles flew past and the conversation grew deeper and deeper Kirk slowly put his arm around my seat. He kept it there, but slowly began to play with my hair where it rested on the seat. We discussed books, movies, what we wanted most out of life and more of what made us who we are.
“What are you most afraid of?” he asked looking over at me. The more we drove and the more we talked, the more his eyes were on me rather than the road. I was too wrapped up in those blue eyes to worry about our safety.
“Being alone. You?” I said as nonchalantly as possible. I have a strange habit of being brutally honest with people when they don’t expect it.
“Really? You’re afraid of being alone? So you can’t be in a room alone?”
“No, I’m scared of spending the rest of my life alone. And you never said what you’re afraid of.”
Kirk sat and looked at the road for a minute. “Well I guess it’s the same. I’ve always counted my biggest fear as never really connecting to people. Sometimes I just push people away, I don’t know why, but nobody has really stuck around long.”
“Guess we’re not so different.”
“You thought we were different?”
“Well yeah, you’re so much smarter and popular than me.”
“Okay, I don’t know who you’re talking about but that’s clearly not me.”
“Whatever, when we had that class together you were always too cool to talk to me” I said staring out my window trying not to show him how much I wished he had talked to me.
“Really? I thought you were too cool to talk to me. You’re hilarious, you’re extremely smart and you just…you were…you.”
“Most people don’t like that about me.”
“No, they’re just jealous that they can’t be like that.”
“Oh this is my exit” I said trying to take the focus off of me.
“Okay” Kirk said pulling off the freeway with a sad look in his eyes.
“Turn left here. And that’s my house on the right” I gave curt directions. I had let my guard down, but it wasn’t going to change anything.
“Okay here you are” Kirk said as he pulled over and opened his door.
I unbuckled and opened the door and put my foot on the curb. If I had my choice I would stay in that car forever. “So I guess this is goodbye…”“Yeah,” Kirk said pulling out my suitcase from the trunk, setting it on the curb and then leaned up against the car.
“So, well good luck at school” I said walking and stopping just short of entering his personal space.
“Thanks, you too. I know that graduating is stressful but you can do it” he said standing up straight. Our faces were just inches from each other. A space that could be breached in a mere second.
I looked him in the eyes and bit my lip. “Thanks, you’ll do great at grad school. Don’t be too mean to those freshmen.”
“Oh I won’t, don’t worry.” He looked from my eyes to my lips and back again. Then he leaned in. Just a little bit. I closed the gap.
We shared a kiss that can only be described as tragic. Both of us knew there was nothing beyond this kiss, nothing that could ever happen, but neither of us was going to leave that sidewalk till that urge had been fulfilled. I slowly laced my fingers around the back of his neck and tugged at the hair on the back of his head. I had wanted to do that the whole ride down. Slowly he pulled away. He rested his forehead against mine and we just took a couple of breaths together.
“Well…I guess this is goodbye” I said and looked up into his eyes.
“Yeah, bye” he whispered and pulled me into a hug.
I held onto him for a minute or so and then pushed away. I knew if I let it go any longer than that I would never let go. I closed my eyes, sucked in my lips, grabbed my suitcase and headed into my parents house. I opened the door and shut it behind me. I sat down on the loveseat in the giant bay window. I looked out through the curtains. Kirk was sitting in the car. He had both hands on the wheel, but the car wasn’t even on. I could tell he was clenching his teeth even from that far away.
I thought about going out to say something, but I didn’t know what to say. There really wasn’t anything I could say. Nothing would change the way things were. I just continued to look out the window. A few minutes later he turned on the car and drove away. He didn’t even look back. I pulled the curtains shut. Stood up. And wheeled my suitcase to my room.
7/27/10
And trhis is why I love Matt
My Letter
"How do you always know what I need to hear? I am done with school for the semester and I think I'm going to pass all of my classes. I have the joy of staying up all night tonight to white glove my apartment. Oh joy. Anyways, earlier today I was reading through some stuff that I wrote when you first left and I thought I should send it to you. So here it is "I miss you like heck. I miss burying my face in your chest and breathing you in. I miss texting you whenever something made me think of you, or made me laugh. I miss the way your hair was straight but curled around your ears. I miss the way you made me feel when you smiled at me. I miss the way my insides shook with excitment, fear, joy whenever you were around. I miss the way we always discussed your girlfriends even though you knew I secretly hated them. I miss the way you loved my mother and you could make her smile. I loved the way you would sit close to me on the couch and whisper silly comments in my ear. I miss the way you could make me laugh no matter how shitty of a day I had. I miss the way you told me not to complain when I was being a baby. I miss the way your voice changed when you realized I was really in trouble, or scared. I miss the way I could text you in the middle of the night and you didn’t mind. I miss saying good night to you ever night. I miss wanting you here, because even now, when I am in pain, I can’t wish you were here. I can’t betray either of us that way."I'll write more later, but I dunno....I just felt like I needed to send that to you. I miss you Matthew Gaile Ingram.-Amanda Jane Hatton"
And this is what he said back
"amanda. you are a beautiful person. and i had no idea i had such a great impact on your life and i will cherish what you said thats a great i felt like poem, and the part about the girl friends made me laugh."
"How do you always know what I need to hear? I am done with school for the semester and I think I'm going to pass all of my classes. I have the joy of staying up all night tonight to white glove my apartment. Oh joy. Anyways, earlier today I was reading through some stuff that I wrote when you first left and I thought I should send it to you. So here it is "I miss you like heck. I miss burying my face in your chest and breathing you in. I miss texting you whenever something made me think of you, or made me laugh. I miss the way your hair was straight but curled around your ears. I miss the way you made me feel when you smiled at me. I miss the way my insides shook with excitment, fear, joy whenever you were around. I miss the way we always discussed your girlfriends even though you knew I secretly hated them. I miss the way you loved my mother and you could make her smile. I loved the way you would sit close to me on the couch and whisper silly comments in my ear. I miss the way you could make me laugh no matter how shitty of a day I had. I miss the way you told me not to complain when I was being a baby. I miss the way your voice changed when you realized I was really in trouble, or scared. I miss the way I could text you in the middle of the night and you didn’t mind. I miss saying good night to you ever night. I miss wanting you here, because even now, when I am in pain, I can’t wish you were here. I can’t betray either of us that way."I'll write more later, but I dunno....I just felt like I needed to send that to you. I miss you Matthew Gaile Ingram.-Amanda Jane Hatton"
And this is what he said back
"amanda. you are a beautiful person. and i had no idea i had such a great impact on your life and i will cherish what you said thats a great i felt like poem, and the part about the girl friends made me laugh."
7/23/10
Advice
Advice for my heart:
Keep trying, give up, just wait and see how it works out or none of the above?
Your thoughts please.
Keep trying, give up, just wait and see how it works out or none of the above?
Your thoughts please.
7/3/10
It's been a year
It's been a year since I started this blog, and I'm still here. That is a freaking miracle for me. But also I reached some of my goals. I was reading through my first couple blogs on here and they were all about how I wanted to be a connector, how I wanted to be a creator. In the last year I've written a book, 3 songs and become a part of social board where I put together events to help people get to know each other! I was looking for someone in my life who honestly cared about me and who would pull me out of those funks. Over the last month or so I have found 2 of those and I am grateful to them! I am still alive and I'm still learning major things. I am growing up and I am loving life. I'm not the shut in freaker outer that I used to be. So here is to friends, social board, virgin margaritas, onesies, soccer and summertime!
Happy 4th!
6/23/10
Social Board Pictures from Mystery Dinner
Ok so as you know, if you read below, that we had mystery dinner and my group of friends and I were in charge of it. So these are kind of the behind the scenes shots. During set up we decided Merilee definitly needed to be wrapped to look like a bride, and David, dressed in a suit, showed up at the right time to appear as groom and train bearer.
I call this one RAR Wedding
And this one is Russian Bride, note that hat.
And here is just David looking contemplative.
And the Fabulous trio...
David looking like the master of ALL creeps
More of us. David likes to give the camera sass
I call this grrrrrrrrrrr
And here is the shot that came before grrrr that had NONE of us even looking at the camera or looking relativly attractive.
I was handcuffed to the evidence box the whole time.
After our group pictures David decided he was going to walk through the frame one step at a time.....
I call this one RAR Wedding
And this one is Russian Bride, note that hat.
And here is just David looking contemplative.
And the Fabulous trio...
David looking like the master of ALL creeps
More of us. David likes to give the camera sass
I call this grrrrrrrrrrr
And here is the shot that came before grrrr that had NONE of us even looking at the camera or looking relativly attractive.
I was handcuffed to the evidence box the whole time.
After our group pictures David decided he was going to walk through the frame one step at a time.....Going.....
Going......
GONE!
6/18/10
6/13/10
Mystery Dinner
Last night was mystery dinner and I had an absolute blast. I loved our group! We were in charge of it and so setting up was super fun and it looked beautiful!
This was our backdrop for photographs, all done by the lovely Merilee
This is what our tables looked like close up. Each one was a little different because we had different centerpieces. Beautiful.
Then we went to dinner at Applebee's. Merilee and I at dinner.
Then Merilee David and I went out to the park to drink Martinelli's. It was basically like this, but with a lot more laughter and a few more cracks of the head on the table.
This picture kind of just sums up the evening. I had so much fun!
5/24/10
I miss home
I miss home. Not the place my parents lived, not even the house I grew up in. I miss feeling like I belong. I miss the friends who got me through high school. I miss the nights I was fine staying at home. I miss all day vacations with my friends to marching band comps. I miss not worrying about cliques. I miss feeling safe. I miss feeling like I belong. I miss feeling loved completely, not just parts of me, not just for the parts I let people see. I miss the people who knew everything that I had been through and loved me all the same. I miss the people who didn't know what I had been through but knew I was broken all the same. I am sick of people treating me like I should bounce back. I can' bounce back. Not from this. Not from you. I can't deal with this stuff right now. I can't deal with the 14 year old drama that you're giving me because I have been dealing with things above your head. I can't deal with you mourning that boy because I handled that on my own 4 months ago and you paid me no mind. I don't really care how sad you are. You blow your nose and get over it. Look at me. I just balled my eyes out and no one cared. I am going to write this blog and then finish the 80 pages I have to read before tomorrow. So I'm sorry you're sad, but life is not going to stop for you. Life isn't stopping for me to mourn missing my home. I still have to get up at 6 tomorrow. I still have to go to school and do my laundry and do homework. It's really not going to get any easier. I know you judge me for all the daydreaming and whatifing I do. I know it. I don't care anymore. If you knew what I have been trying to work through you would realize its either be hopeful and try or kill myself. I'm to strong to go out that way. So stop whispering about me. Stop judging me. Stop it. I'm just done. I am going to talk to the friends I lost in high school. I am going to reminisce about the good old days. I am going to wonder what would've happened if I stayed in that town. All I know is that I don't need you right now. I'm going to dry my tears and get back to homework. Screw this.
5/20/10
The Bell Tolls for Thee
I don't think I've been grateful enough lately. I am feeling the pressure that a senior college student who is involved in 2 societies feels, but I am blessed beyond all belief. Today in Hemingway we discussed enjoying the now as Hemingway shows us in For Whom The Bell Tolls. As he says "I suppose it is possible to live as full a life in seventy hours as in seventy years; granted that your life has been full up to the time that the seventy hours start and that you have reached a certain age...So if your life trades its seventy years for seventy hours I have that value now and I am lucky enough to know it. And if there is not any such thing as a long time, nor the rest of your lives, nor from now on, but there is only now, why then now is the thing to praise and I am very happy with it" (182). How are you living in the now? What would you do if you had 70 hours to live? Would you be doing what you are now? Would I be sitting in the Crossroads eating lunch and procrastinating astronomy homework? Would I be at this school? Would I be in this town? So our teacher had us create 2 bucket lists. 1 that is just what we want to do before we die, and 1 that is what we would do if we had 70 hours to live. Here are mine:
Life: 1. Perform one of my songs in front of more than 250 people.
2. Go viral on youtube.
3. Get published.
4. Get in a bar brawl.
5. Visit every LDS temple in the continental US
6. Steal something.
7. PLan the perfect murder.
8. Kick a guy in the balls.
9. Open a bakery.
10. Tour with/in a band.
11. Use an alias for a day.
12. Read all of the "classics"
13. Have someone tell me I inspired them.
14. Own a neapolitan mastiff named Brutus
(those were just the ones I thought of in class)
70 Hours:1. Tell my father I forgive him.
2. Makeout with my crush.
3. Tell "her" off/give her some advice
4. Pray
5. Bear my testimony to the people I know who need it.
6. Pass on my journals.
7. Give my honest opinion to everyone.
8. Compliment everyone I see and do it honestly.
9. Give my possessions away.
10. Record a testimonial of my life and put it on youtube.
11. Write a letter to those I care about.
12. Visit Brother Grant.
13. Stay in Rexburg.
14. Go to Porter Park.
15. Sit under the trees I've marked my life by.
16. Smell the ocean.
17. Spend every last cent I have on things my mother wants but will not buy for herself.
So I am going to continue keeping these lists. I hope you love the life you're leading now.
Life: 1. Perform one of my songs in front of more than 250 people.
2. Go viral on youtube.
3. Get published.
4. Get in a bar brawl.
5. Visit every LDS temple in the continental US
6. Steal something.
7. PLan the perfect murder.
8. Kick a guy in the balls.
9. Open a bakery.
10. Tour with/in a band.
11. Use an alias for a day.
12. Read all of the "classics"
13. Have someone tell me I inspired them.
14. Own a neapolitan mastiff named Brutus
(those were just the ones I thought of in class)
70 Hours:1. Tell my father I forgive him.
2. Makeout with my crush.
3. Tell "her" off/give her some advice
4. Pray
5. Bear my testimony to the people I know who need it.
6. Pass on my journals.
7. Give my honest opinion to everyone.
8. Compliment everyone I see and do it honestly.
9. Give my possessions away.
10. Record a testimonial of my life and put it on youtube.
11. Write a letter to those I care about.
12. Visit Brother Grant.
13. Stay in Rexburg.
14. Go to Porter Park.
15. Sit under the trees I've marked my life by.
16. Smell the ocean.
17. Spend every last cent I have on things my mother wants but will not buy for herself.
So I am going to continue keeping these lists. I hope you love the life you're leading now.
5/6/10
Fiction with a ring on it.
As some of you may remember, I have my wedding dress picked out. And you also all know I go to "BYU-I Do". A common thing to do when you're bored up here is to plan your wedding. Last night while watching bridewars I just decided I might as well find pictures of what I want. So here it all is, planned out. Perfect. Now I just need a groom....hmmmm do you really need one of those?
The black of this over cream table cloths
These shoes, but in ivory
The setting. I love oak trees.
Bridesmaid dresses! SOOO gorgeous. It's from 1954.....we'll have to make them and add a black beaded cardie. I want one too.
Bridesmaid dresses! SOOO gorgeous. It's from 1954.....we'll have to make them and add a black beaded cardie. I want one too.
4/8/10
Amanda's LIfetime Movie Part III
As Amanda helped abate the line of angry old women she couldn't get her mind off Marcus. He was funny and soooo cute and really nice. If things went right with everything maybe she could drive up to Idaho with him. Is there anything better than a road trip with a cute boy?
Work at the Bead Barn normally passed slowly, but that day the clock was running at a glacial pace. Finally 4 rolled around and Amanda was pacing her 2 foot by 2 foot square waiting for Ally to come release her.
"Allyson please come to the register. Allyson please come to the register" Amanda said into the intercom 5 minutes later when she couldn't take another minute of the monotany.
Finally 5 more minutes later Ally managed to find the register.
"What's the rush?"
"Might have a date with a cute customer tonight?"
"Meh, men will only break your heart-- " and before Ally could go off into her schpiel about her divorce Amanda snuck to the back to clock out.
She punched in her number and clocked out and grabbed her back pack, throwing her apron on her hook at the same time. She pulled her phone out of her pocket.
1 missed call, 2 text messages.
Amanda quickly saved Marcus' number and then opened the text messages.
Text #1
Marcus: Hey so any chance we could hang out tonight? My family is driving me nuts.
Text #2
Melissa: I need a girls night! STAT!
Amanda was obligated, by the sacred bonds of best friendship, to respond to Melissa first. Who would she be if she put testies before besties?
"Hey, for sure. Quick question, any chance I could bring this new kid Marcus I met today?" she typed, thumbs aflying and sent.
10 seconds later a buzz. She didn't want to text Marcus back until she was sure Melissa was okay with it. Amanda flipped open her phone with fingers crossed.
Melissa: Yeah, totally kosher. Diner?
Amand typed back "yes, 8. Gotta get ready!" and sent it.
She pulled up Marcus' text next and typed "Hey! Yeah totally. My friend Melissa and I are meeting at the 24 hour diner on 5th around 8. Do you know where that is?" She took a deep breath and sent it.
She ran out of the back room of the Bead Barn avoiding all the other employees who would try and keep her there. She popped into her 1970's station wagon that she absolutely adored and called "the Death Star" and headed home. It was only a 5 minute drive, but she had to have good tunes. So she turned up "" by Matt and Kim and rolled down the windows. It was winter in California, only a few short days till Christmas, and yet the weather was perfect.
Work at the Bead Barn normally passed slowly, but that day the clock was running at a glacial pace. Finally 4 rolled around and Amanda was pacing her 2 foot by 2 foot square waiting for Ally to come release her.
"Allyson please come to the register. Allyson please come to the register" Amanda said into the intercom 5 minutes later when she couldn't take another minute of the monotany.
Finally 5 more minutes later Ally managed to find the register.
"What's the rush?"
"Might have a date with a cute customer tonight?"
"Meh, men will only break your heart-- " and before Ally could go off into her schpiel about her divorce Amanda snuck to the back to clock out.
She punched in her number and clocked out and grabbed her back pack, throwing her apron on her hook at the same time. She pulled her phone out of her pocket.
1 missed call, 2 text messages.
Amanda quickly saved Marcus' number and then opened the text messages.
Text #1
Marcus: Hey so any chance we could hang out tonight? My family is driving me nuts.
Text #2
Melissa: I need a girls night! STAT!
Amanda was obligated, by the sacred bonds of best friendship, to respond to Melissa first. Who would she be if she put testies before besties?
"Hey, for sure. Quick question, any chance I could bring this new kid Marcus I met today?" she typed, thumbs aflying and sent.
10 seconds later a buzz. She didn't want to text Marcus back until she was sure Melissa was okay with it. Amanda flipped open her phone with fingers crossed.
Melissa: Yeah, totally kosher. Diner?
Amand typed back "yes, 8. Gotta get ready!" and sent it.
She pulled up Marcus' text next and typed "Hey! Yeah totally. My friend Melissa and I are meeting at the 24 hour diner on 5th around 8. Do you know where that is?" She took a deep breath and sent it.
She ran out of the back room of the Bead Barn avoiding all the other employees who would try and keep her there. She popped into her 1970's station wagon that she absolutely adored and called "the Death Star" and headed home. It was only a 5 minute drive, but she had to have good tunes. So she turned up "" by Matt and Kim and rolled down the windows. It was winter in California, only a few short days till Christmas, and yet the weather was perfect.
4/4/10
Giving away my heart.
People ask me why I always have to be in love. They say it’s dumb and that I am just digging myself a hole to fall in. I know I am, but its the only way to keep me from turning into my father. Once he lost his love, that is when he lost his humanity. So I do have to love. I do have to hold on with my heartstrings to each man that catches my eye. It may be destructive but the alternative is far worse. I am fighting fire with fire here. You tell me to slow down, I’m only 20. Chill out, there is time for marriage later. I know that. I am not looking to get married. I am looking to fill my heart so full of love that all of the hatred and the bitterness, all of the detachment and silent feuds will fade away. That all of that pain that I am holding inside will dissipate. That’s why I have Him. He has always been the one who could make that go away. Not once in our time together have I wanted to run away from him or hurt him in anyway. He has been the one who when I couldn’t find a boy in my life to keep my heart full I could turn back to. Just as he is using me I am using him. Some people say “Playing with matches a girl can get burned” well a burn on the finger is better than the forest fire that destroyed my childhood. I will fight for my heart. I will fight for my right to give it away. As long as it’s not in my possession I can’t destroy it. I am now beginning to understand the dilemma of the werewolf. Loathing oneself to protect the ones you love. I hope I can always find a home for my heart, because it does no one any good when it’s inside my chest. So don’t judge me for throwing these words around. Don’t criticize me for wanting him so bad. Don’t say that I am throwing myself at these men because I have no self esteem. I do have self esteem. But I also care about the people around me. That’s why I give away my heart. That’s why I throw myself in this drowning pool. That is why I can NEVER let him go.
2/25/10
You're turning into John Wayne
So here I am introducing you all to one of my new favorite bands Twin Atlantic. I love their accents, I love their vibe and most of all I love the messages behind the music. Okay so the first time I listened to this song was the day after I finished one of Emerson's essays, but I've always been a strong believer in nonconformity. I like who I am and thats just not going to change! But this song spoke to me on a little deeper level. What am I doing because my country tells me it's what I should be doing? Are all of my actions supported by my own motives? Is everything that is cluttering my life cluttering it for a reason? I have been looking at my life and I think I am confident in my individuality. I think the things I am doing are because of my own belief in them. I think this song could be directed at all Americans or all humanity. Are you being yourself? Are you...you?
2/13/10
I Will Not Be Your Valentine, Nor You Be Mine
I wrote my first poem in over 3 years today. Here it is:
I Will Not Be Your Valentine, Nor You Be Mine
She lifted her head
to see what he'd said
Blinking back from the screen
"Will you be my Valentine?"
Her child's heart leapt for joy
There was nothing that day that could annoy
Today was her perfect day
Two hearts had found each other from far away.
A smile woas on her face the whole day long
The wind howled, the snow fell, but nothing could go wrong
Her mind rested on him the whole while
She decided it best to call
Share a Valentine's Conversation
So without any trepedation
She called, they laughed, she told him of her excitement
Excited she was to have him
His voice grew dim
"We are just friends...."
I Will Not Be Your Valentine, Nor You Be Mine
She lifted her head
to see what he'd said
Blinking back from the screen
"Will you be my Valentine?"
Her child's heart leapt for joy
There was nothing that day that could annoy
Today was her perfect day
Two hearts had found each other from far away.
A smile woas on her face the whole day long
The wind howled, the snow fell, but nothing could go wrong
Her mind rested on him the whole while
She decided it best to call
Share a Valentine's Conversation
So without any trepedation
She called, they laughed, she told him of her excitement
Excited she was to have him
His voice grew dim
"We are just friends...."
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